I know, I know two long posts in one day.

Yeah, I am a bit much lately, but I have had so much to think about and so much more time to internet that it happens. When I start babysitting, I am sure that these will get shorter and maybe happen a little less frequently.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about was how the musical Company sort of fell back ito my lap this past week, and I vaguely knew and had heard some of the music (since I have always been a Sondheim fan), but it seems to have shown up to help me (or at least give me perspective). Now I have never seen it (only heard the music), but it seems to be about people and love and relationships (I know, isn't everything?). Particularly, there is a character named Robert (Bobby) who seems to share with Patrick a reluctance to serious relationships (not to say that I think they are the same since I only know the songs in the musical). Robert sings a song called "Being Alive" that I can't seem to get out of my head, and the lyrics themselves seem important to me at this moment, like I had needed to find them.

Now, I wasn't sure if I should write about this and my feeling about it here in such a public venue, or if I should just have kept in my own paper journal at home, but as this has continued to almost haunt me, even after I wrote about it, I decided I should just fuck it, and put it all out there. Besides, if I change my mind I can always delete this post, right? So, here goes.

I have been torn between reacting to this break-up by crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and just staying there (for days or weeks if I could get away with it) or by just walking away from it completely with no ties--severing any emotional connection that I can, killing the last vestiges of love that remain. Neither has seemed the best option, or even a doable option for me. I also feel like I don't ever want to try this again. I don't like being left hanging or playing the fool for 'backing the wrong horse' if you will, so part of me wants to just give up entirely (and I realize that I am not the first or the last person to think these thoughts when left alone to think after a break-up). The song "Being Alive" has made me think about what I have done and am doing right in the me-Patrick saga and it' aftermath, and I think it has sort of a way to aspire to. This song gets it right, or what I think is right from where I am standing today, so I include the lyrics here.

FRIENDS [frantically]:
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby baby...
Bobby bubbi...Robby...Robert darling...
Bobby, we've been trying to call you.
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby baby...Bobby bubbi...
Angel, I've got something to tell you.
Bob...Robbo...Bobby love...Bobby honey...
Bobby, we've been trying to reach you all day.
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby Baby...Angel...Darling...
The kids were asking--
Bobby...Bobby...Robert...Robby...Bob-o...
Bobby, there was something we wanted to say.
The line was busy...
Bobby...Bobby bubbi...
Bobby fella...Bobby sweetie--

ROBERT [speaking]: Stop!...What do you get? [Sings]
Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.

PAUL: That's true, but there's more to it than that.
SARAH: Is that all you think there is to it?
HARRY: You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but
Robert,
you haven't got one good reason for being alone.
LARRY: Come on, you're on to something, Bobby. You're on to something.

ROBERT:
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

DAVID: You see what you look for, you know.
JOANNE: You're not a kid anymore, Robby. I don't think you'll ever
be a kid again, kiddo.
PETER: Hey, buddy, don't be afraid it won't be perfect. The only thing
to be afraid of really is that it won't be.
JENNY: Don't stop now. Keep going.

ROBERT:
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

SUSAN: And what does all that mean?
LARRY: Robert, how do you know so much about it when you've never
been there?
HARRY: It's much better living it than looking at it, Robert.
PETER: Add 'em up, Bobby. Add 'em up.

ROBERT:
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

AMY: Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish. *Want* something!
Want *something*!

ROBERT:
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!