Once upon a time I had a best friend. We met in college and seemed to have an affinity for eachother that drew us together. Eventually we took classes together, acted together, worked together in the costume shop, and even lived together for a while. Then I graduated, but thanks to emails and cell phones we stayed in touch. She came to visit me in Washington, and I went to visit her after she graduated and moved to Chicago.
We were a bit distant, but things were good. Even though we might go a long time in between catching up, we still caught up, and that was the important part. Yes I am sure there were ebbs and flows in our catching up as I fell for this deity nicknamed boyfriend and was ecstatic or as she struggled with the jealousies of her long term boyfriend, as said deity boy dumped me to be closer to his deity and as her relationship eventually splintered under its own baggage and the allure of the world outside of it. When one of us needed more support or when one of us needed someone to celebrate with, the other was there at the end of the phone line.
Then I went to grad school and her relationship ripped itself apart. I was not able to be as available to her as I had before because I was in grad school. I had class, I had rehearsals, I had to memorize lines, I had to do homework, I just had a life that suddenly became full.
She got out of a bad for her relationship, and she got into one with her current husband. I would tell you more about how that worked, except that I don't really have a good recollection of it. I also probably was not as excited as I was expected to be when she told me she was engaged because it seemed like such a quick jump from one relationship to a marriage in another. But I was happy for her, and she asked me to be in the wedding. I had to say no though because I couldn't get there. I was a broke ass college student. Plus I was in summer rep and couldn't get permission to leave in advance, but I had to do the rep that summer in order to get my student loan money which was paying for my life (and getting me able to move away) and enough credits to graduate. In the end I found out about a week before that I could've made it out there, but by that point there was no earthly way I could afford to pay for it.
Apparently this was a MAJOR sin on my part. I still feel there really was no good choice for me there. Yes I did make the choice that was more selfish. I chose to eat all summer, to graduate from my master's program, and to make it possible to move away right away instead of a weekend at a wedding of my best friend (at the time) to someone I had never met. I don't think she ever understood or forgave me for that choice.
Then I moved into the same town as her, and didn't see her for two months. She didn't come help me move or welcome me to town. Our relationship got better about 6 months after I moved there when she fixed me up with a coworker of hers. For the three months we were together, she hung out with me a lot. She called, we did stuff, there was double dating, it was great, like back when we had been in school together.
And then I got dumped, and I freaked out in that dumping. There was a lot of tears, and I soooo freaked him out, and I initially took it a lot harder than I should of. But she wasn't very there for me in my tears and my pain, and I think I was fairly understanding of that. I mean, she was stuck in the middle of that break up, and that is a sucky place to be, so I tried to pour my vitriol out to others and be a little more chill (if not totally fine) to her.
After about a month or so I snapped out of that break up and came back to life. But it seems that I had dropped out of her life. She never managed to find room in her life for me again. We would go months without seeing eachother, even longer than our conflicting schedules would suggest. I would find my way out to her shows and performances, but she wouldn't find her way to mine. Her calls would get less and less, my emails would go unanswered. I would only get emails from her when her theatre company wanted my money or support. I started dating Sam, and I really wanted her to meet him. She ditched late on a double date night arranged like 6 months into our relationship.
She still has never met him. She hasn't returned a call from me in over a year, or sent me an email, or messaged me on facebook or myspace (well she still hasn't accepted me as a friend on facebook). I guess we are broken up. I mean. . . yeah, I guess we are broken up. What else would it be? The people who I call my friends at least try to keep up with me, they inquire as to what I am doing, they come see me, they speak to me. Hell I have enemies that are currently better friends to me than she is. I mean at least they are interested in what I am doing.
For a long time I tortured myself about this. I beat myself up for missing her wedding. I tried to figure out what I could have done to offend her. I tried to think of ways that I could make it back up to her, but none of my overtures were accepted. It made me really sad. It hurt. I blamed myself.
I do not anymore. At this point, I have to accept that it takes two people to hold up a friendship and she has not held up her end in a long time. I am letting this go. We had a great friendship even if it seems it was never meant to be a lasting one. And I have come to a point where I need to stop kicking myself for this because at this point the end of our friendship is on her and not me because she is the one who stopped trying and stopped participating. So that is what this blog post is, closure. Closure on this part of my life.
Or maybe her coworker somehow won her in the break-up?
Where's Beebo?! There she is!!!
11 years ago
7 comments:
I suppose I should add a few more details for people who read this, although I have no indication that she has ever in her life read this, so I am going to assume that if you read this you aren't her.
She went to undergrad with me, we were in the same grade and were roommates for the first semester senior year (and then I graduated early).
She dated the same guy for most of her time there even after he graduated and then there was a big scandal that didn't break them up.
She and he moved to Chicago shortly after she graduated and lived together until they broke up three years later basically because of the thing the scandal was about.
She was Viola when I was Olivia.
That sucks. But closure is good.
I barely stay in contact with a lot of people I used to be close to, and I do feel bad about it. But on the other hand, they don't call me either so I guess we're equally slacking.
Well I too have people like that. People I really love but like neither of us managed to keep calling, emailing, whatever.
I best keep in touch with people via this blog and their blogs or via facebook.
There is a much smaller group who I keep contact with over the phone, and she was one of them. We talked every few weeks for like an hour when we lived far apart. Then I moved to her city and we seemed never able to talk on the phone. We seemed even less able to see each other in person, although at one point we lived about a half mile apart.
And I felt bad for not being able to make her wedding, and this is where all this stemmed from. I assumed we would see eachother more when we lived in the same place. That was not the case, and I felt kind of punished for not living happily ever after with the friend she set me up with. Like it was my fault he and I didn't stay together forever even if we were really incompatible (and I point out he had to dump me twice I was so willing to stay in it).
But yeah, I don't seem to mind people where we both slack. That's fine, I understand what is happening there. It makes sense. Very little of this unravelling still makes sense to me.
To all brides out there, past and present:
Weddings are big deals, as you know, and sometimes it's tough to recognize that it's not such a big deal to the rest of the world as it is to you. People have commitments that they are required to honor to make their own lives happen. When they choose to focus on those commitments that conflict with your wedding, it's not about you.
For example, my husband's godson got married a month or so ago. We were thrilled because the wedding happened after classes were out and before summer stock started, which meant that we could go. If the wedding had been scheduled for a week before or after it was, we probably would have missed it. Which would have sucked.
Unfortunately, one of my husband's brothers was on sabbatical, a trip he'd been planning for over a year, so he couldn't attend. The sabbatical was in the works long before the wedding was announced. No one blamed him for not being there. They knew he wanted to be, but that circumstances wouldn't permit it.
So. When someone tenders their regrets because their lives aren't organized in such a way as to let them be there for you, don't take it personally. It's not about you.
To Heather: She sounds like a rather immature, potentially selfish person. Certainly not particularly self-aware. I'm sorry it got in the way of your friendship.
It does really suck when you realize you are no longer friends with someone. Hugs!
Thank you guys all of you. I actually started writing all of this because I wanted a final out of my system. I am at peace with this.
But all of your kind words and Sally's wonderful note to brides are great! Thank you. Sally, you should post your note to brides on your blog.
your ex won her after your separation. i truly believe that given how she felt after you couldn't make her wedding and you being a "past friend" and he being a "current friend" she chose him.
her loss!
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