I feel like I am punishing myself. But that is not how I feel. My thoughts on what I have done to my own relationship which I know was vitally necessary, vitally, vitally necessary like it was on a path to totally wither and die in a horrendous horrendous way a year or two down the line and this sort of upturning was what it needed IF it was going to survive (which at this point I am pretty confident it is). I mean I get that. I also get that it was less than two weeks ago, so nothing is really changed now, but I keep having to remind myself of that.
This is so jumbled. And I don't know how to untangle my thoughts and my emotions here, and I think that writing them here is better than vomiting them all on Sam because he feels like he ought to have a cure or a fix for them and then he feels like he caused them and not drinking is really a hard enough big deal for him to focus on. So I am going to ramble here instead.
The great news is that he isn't drinking and has been filling his life with projects that have languished around his apartment like pictures that need hung and learning new songs on the piano. He also bought a printer/scanner/copier that he used to make his own personal fake book with the best sheets for every song that he knows from his many fake books, so he just brings a binder instead of a bag full of music. He looks better, he seems to be feeling better, and I think he is on the right track. I worry that he hasn't yet reached out to get a support net outside of himself, but it is still early on and he takes some time to psych himself into taking big scary steps. I am so glad that he is getting better.
I hate that I can't be with him while he does this, even though I think that the space he is getting is important to him getting better, but it is just a total bummer. Like tonight, I am wiped and just want to go home and chill and cuddle. But since plan is in effect, I am going home to my house. Sam has to stay late at work and will not be coming over. So I can go home and I can chill, but as for cuddling there is no cat no boyfriend. I get what a pillow? A cell phone? Not the same dudes. Not the same. And I have my stuff (my good stuff) all split in two places. Which is a weird way to live. It is kind of living out of a hotel room that you are in long enough to put stuff in the drawers but not long enough that you have all your stuff. And I am kind of an asshole, so I resent that he still gets to be with all his stuff. He gets to cuddle with the cat. He didn't have to be uprooted. He still gets cable and tivo. And these are totally stupid things to resent.
In fact I think that I just resent this situation. I resent that this had to happen. Really it isn't even resentment, it is just the way I funnel how upset I am about this. I don't know. It is a big pain, and I don't like it, and I would just freaking move back in if I didn't still think this is an important thing for him to have right now until he really has a good track record of being healthy and having his stuff in order. I just don't like it. I don't like it and it makes me unhappy. And I feel like a toddler. Because I want to just sit down and cross my arms and pout. Big pouty pouty face.
7 comments:
i'm sorry things are the way they are for you. but i'm really happy to know that you are still the resilient, strong person i've always loved.
cheers and good luck! i'm wrestling some relationship demons myself. but i don't see us staying together.
let me know if you need anything! cheers!
Thanks Jenny and thanks everyone else out there for reading this. I know that I have all of your support, so I can write things like this even if you might not know what to say. Thanks for being there.
And now rereading my post I feel I should add an update that kind of proved me right but in the way no one really wants to be right.
Sam had a relapse last night. He had a bad day and was going to have one little drink which turned out to be a lot of drinks and going out on a bender. It ended up with him getting his wallet and cell phone stolen by a homeless woman he had bought a pizza for. He got the wallet back, but not his credit card or the cash (quite a bit) that he had in it. He called me at 6am to apologize to me for it, and yes he was still drunk because this all happened around 4:30am.
I told him he needs a plan that is bigger than, I am not telling anyone about my problem and will just handle it myself because he stayed sober 12 days this time. His best friend (who he called before me) told him that he should go to AA. Sam says he will sometime this week. I also told him that he needs to absolutely this week come clean to his psychologist (who I discovered is an addiction specialist) about this problem. Sam did say he will do this.
So, I do need to stay at my house. It is the right choice. Sam needs to figure out how to help himself and get a network of support that he believes in and that works for him.
God I hate this.
I'm rooting for both of you to get the best possible results out of this.
With that in mind, there are support groups for the partners of alcoholics as well. I believe Alanon is one. You might think about that for you.
I have looked up Alanon meetings around me, and there is a lunchtime one near where I work. At this point I am waffling on going. I imagine in the next few weeks I will at least give it a looksee.
You might feel like a toddler, but you are one of the best adults ever because you are doing this for him, out of love. You want him to be better on his own and that's what you're allowing to happen. And you can't have what you want and you can't be happy ... but you're just a really good person for doing this this way and doing it for him.
My time working in rehab I've seen the wrong way. I've seen people spiral down further and further while their partner, who may love them so much, allowed it to happen because they couldn't let go to let them get better. However difficult this might be, you're better off than those people.
And thanks. I'll be happy to meet Sam in July and I'll be happier that he's healthy and your relationship is so much stronger.
God, I'm just full of good feelins'. And I enjoyed this line, "It is kind of living out of a hotel room that you are in long enough to put stuff in the drawers but not long enough that you have all your stuff."
Well played, Heathertron.
Word Verification: "grangth" = Strength of character exhibited by those with excess saliva.
Go to Alanon.
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