And on and on

I have been a very good little worker at work of late.  This is not to say that I ever let myself be a really bad little worker at work, but I haven't been the best this winter/spring as I was dealing with the distractions of my personal life (which at times seemed more like my personal hell).  I have accomplished things in a very timely manner and quite well.  Last week I even got out way ahead of myself (which was weird), so my vaction of all next week shouldn't hurt so bad.

 

However, the personal life that had seemed like it was fixing itself up, has hit a bump in the road.  Sam fell off the wagon twice in the last week.  Last Tuesday he got kind of stressed out about a friend and decided that half a bottle of vodka would make him feel better, and it did for a while until he realized how it would make me feel.  Instead of letting him head out and drink more, I asked him to stay in and talk to me and to stop drinking with what he had.  And we stayed up late and I listened to him prattle on with all the excuses his disease would give me to get me to play along nicely.  I simply pointed out that I disagreed with the babble his disease spouted and kept him talking and not drinking until he could fall asleep. 

 

This weekend he was oddly sleepy.  We went to bed kind of early Friday night (well for a Friday) around 11 and slept way in.  Then he was busy all Saturday making a stew for a couple of friends we had over for dinner, and we went to bed early again at like 10 and we slept in until 10.  Then he napped after we went over to clean my apartment because my roommate returns tonight, and I wanted to make sure the house was left in good order.  I tried not to let him nap too long because I knew he would never go back to sleep and that is a terrible way for him to start the week (especially a week when we are picking my roommate up at the airport late tonight and then going to the Elton John and Billy Joel concet tomorrow), but he couldn't fall asleep.  I however could since I had not been napping as much as he had all weekend (being wrapped up in a few novels).  Since I was there sound asleep and he couldn't sleep, he remembered some Sake he had noticed in our fridge a few days ago.  It must have been very old sake, and it angered me to find he hadn't mentioned it to me earlier, but he is an alcoholic and I would wager that he is at best in the early stages of recovery.  So he drank the entire bottle (he says it was a little bottle) in order to help him go right to sleep (he says).  And I slept through all of this.  I awoke when he was fully dressed and about to leave the house to go out to his favorite piano bar, and I knew immediately that something was wrong.  I asked him what was going on?  Where had he been?  What was he doing?  I got out of them that he hadn't been anywhere. . .yet and then asked him if he had been drinking, and he admitted he had.  It was a little past two in the morning.  I asked him not to leave, and he didn't.  I realized he hadn't gone to the Sunday meeting he had decided he would start attending, I guess he had slept through it.  I spent the next two hours awake. . . just hanging out with drunk, unsleepy, alcoholic who is my partner.  We talked a little, I listened a lot.

 

We especially talked about 90 meetings in 90 days which is a program that alcoholics are encouraged to do when they first give up drinking.  He wasn't going to do it when he gave up drinking at the end of May beginning of June because he wasn't sure he needed AA.  Then he wasn't going to do it when I nearly broke up with him right before my birthday because he was doing AA, and his therapist said that it was probably alright not to start it if he didn't fall off the wagon, but if he did, he would have to do it.  I asked him about it last night.  He says he will start it, but he can't start it until we get back from Colorado.  Basically because he cannot tell his parents he is an alcoholic.  I have encouraged him to tell them because I think they will end up being a bigger asset than he thinks, but I also understand his fear.  I do however think he won't ever get truly recovered until he can tell them about it honestly.  He doesn't want to tell them about it until he has been on the path to cure for a while, like after he has finished a 90 meetings in 90 days course.  I sort of dropped my course of arguing then.  He isn't going to do what I want of him.  When we return from Colorado, then I will see what happens.  Hopefully that will entail him starting 90 meetings in 90 days.

 

It is very interesting how I feel like I deal with this now.  My reaction is kind of clinical.  I feel like a nurse.  Well, not in the moment exactly.  I cry because this is heart-wrenching, but I also sort of pull my chin up and set to work and do what needs to be done, like staying up late with a drunk alcoholic.  And in reflection, my experience of it becomes sort of matter of fact and sterile.  I guess it has to be to put one foot in front of the other and move along.

Life Goes On

I feel like I am bad at using my free time.  I come up with all sorts of projects and activities, but as soon as I get into the apartment, they are pushed aside by what is on the Tivo.  I have been empowering myself to delete things from the Tivo that I am not going to watch.  Those three episodes of Mythbusters that are mostly if not all reruns, they can get deleted.  It is fine.  They won't last until the weekend when I should be enjoying the lovely weather and not watching them, or I should at least leave them unwatched until they get deleted by newer shows.  If it rains this weekend I can curl up with them, but I don't have to.

 

I made a big pasta salad last night, but I am not satisfied with the dressing.  I cheat and buy dressing premade for it, but the one I bought was not the one I thought it was, and it was missing some of the flavor.  Quite frankly the best pasta salad dressing I have ever found is The Olive Garden's house Italian dressing.  I am not a huge fan of The OG since I have discovered neighborhood Italian joints that blow it away (I am looking at you Rose Angelis and your gnocchi with apricots and prosciutto and Gorgonzola cream sauce and your demilune spinach ravioli with pine nuts, sun dried tomatoes and brown butter sauce--heavenly gigantic bowls of YUM), but lets face it the draw there has always been the bread sticks which may well be made of crack and their Italian dressing for their salads which is probably the best thing they actually make.

 

My cat is probably a two litter box cat, and so we begin that process this week.  Since he has been protesting pooing where he pees and he has a history of deciding those things must not go together (although before that meant he used the litter to poo and the toilet to pee), we decided to just go along although Sam's place is awfully teen for two litter boxes.

 

Also I am starting my own personal campaign of being unashamed of what I like even if it is dumb stuff that I ought not to like, such as the music of Nickleback (which I actually don't like but I think that we can all universally agree that no one ought to like them and perhaps should be ashamed if they do).  Like chick lit and rom coms.  I love them.  I do.  I mean like all genres their are good and bad and better and worse specimens and I don't give them all a universal pass.  I bought 27 dresses about a month and a half ago and have watched it 10 times since then.  It makes me happy.  Not every movie needs to challenge every neuron in my brain, some of them can just make me happy.  It isn't incredibly deep, but it uses Shakespearean devices to twist its plot, and if some of its plot devices are obvious or trite or not so realistic, well I am fine with that as all I ask of my escapism is to help me escape my reality.  I don't need slavery to realism because well real life is what I am trying to avoid when I watch this stuff.  My reality is harder and more complicated than a rom com, and I am fine if the rom com wanted to airbrush that stuff out.  That is what I want it to do.  And I get really sick of boys being all down on it.  I am sorry this genre isn't aimed at you, you are not its target demographic.  Of course some of you will like it, just like some girls like action-y or war-y pictures that they are not the target demographic for and of course quality comes in here, the higher quality the story and its story telling the higher likelihood to rise above the target demographic.  And boys are the target demographic for like everything practically, so give me something.  Plus I would like to ask if all their targeted stories are slavish to reality (like the laws of physics and the fact that bad guys are way worse shots than good guys the end).

 

OK, rant over.  BUT I say we all start today not being ashamed of the cheesy pop songs and silly genre movies we secretly love.  I am not asking you to go proclaim it on a street corner, I am asking you to defend your crush when others talk it smack.  Go.  That is your mission should you choose to accept it and this blog will not self destruct in fifteen seconds, it will likely take much longer.

I hate that my boyfriend smokes

I hate it. For a variety of reasons. I have tried not to be a jerk about it though because he is a grown up and gets to call the shots in his own life--that is how I would like to be treated so that is how I will treat him.

I was very tolerant of it when it was one or two cigarettes while we were out late at a bar maybe once or twice a month. Fine, whatever, I can handle that. Plus the bars here are smoke free, so he had to go outside away from me. Fine. But it is many more now, approaching a half a pack a day, and I don't like it. Especially as he has taken to smoking inside.

I hate it because it bothers my sensitive eyes that if not actually allergic to smoke are very sensitive to dryness and irritation.

I hate it for all the regular reasons of it smelling bad and tasting bad and just being kind of gross and icky.

I hate it because the fact that he totally ignores the fact that I hate it seems so flippant and kind of rude. I mean, seriously, just take it outside dude. And for the love of God at least brush your freaking teeth after you get done.

I hate it because my towel in the bathroom smells of it, as does the cloth shower curtain, and I fear the scent will waft further to my pillow and the sheets and my clothes and the couch.

I hate it because I fear he is using this addiction to cure his other addiction which seems awfully counterproductive and just a postponement of dealing with the actual problem rather than getting down to the business of solving the problem.

I hate it because it feels like a lie or a trick. I didn't start dating a smoker. I dated a non-smoker who turned out to really be a very rare social smoker who is fast becoming a serious smoker with a habit. This feels very unfair especially since I am working through many other things I hadn't bargained for (although granted so is he), the least he could do is work at quitting.

I hate it because he is always quitting in the same way the stupid cartoon character Cathy is always about to start a diet tomorrow. And I now even hate the lie that he is quitting. I am sorry but you are or you aren't. It isn't a complicated difference and at this point intentions-schmententions.

I just hate it. I hate it I hate it.

I. Hate. It.

Stuff on my Mind

I am tired from my trip.  And CRANKY.  Mostly at work people, for being dumb.  Not major dumb, just you know needy and worky and I didn't miss that when I was gone.

 

I am however very excited about going to St. Louis.  It should be awesome.  My undergrad friends are having a do it ourself reunion of sorts and Sam and I will drive down on Friday and back up on Monday.

 

I am also a big fan of my library even if my Kindle isn't.  I also added the due dates of my library books into my calendar, so that I can be sure not to have overdue fines that are more expensive than just buying the freaking book.

 

I want to write a bigger blog about the wedding, but just thinking about it exhausts me, so I might not get there.

 

I want to go to a movie, or watch movies for like a whole day, just as a recovery sort of thing.

 

I am hungry and need to go to lunch.

 

I thought I had cooler things to say but NO.  Sorry.  I got boring all of a sudden.

Brother Wedding Brief Update

So, I left last Wednesday for my brother's wedding this past Saturday and spent A LOT of time with A LOT of family and friends, and I mean A LOT!!!!!

It was wonderful and kind of a giant mess all at once (it can happen with weddings) and I am exhausted. I will update more later maybe tomorrow once flying is done.

Birthday Cupcakes

My boss just sent me cupcakes for my birthday.  I am sure he ordered them on Friday before he left on vacation when he realized that no one had done anything for my birthday at the office while I do all the birthday planning, but I feel this in no way diminishes how tasty and awesome they are.  They are from a bakery called More Cupcakes and they are totally delicious (and more frosting than cake).

Birthday post: 30

So I am 30. For sure. So far it feels exactly like 29.

Last night's birthday extravaganza was awesome! Seriously wonderful food at Graham Elliot which included a couple of dishes that I wanted to keep on my tongue forever they were so incredible (Kung Pao Sweetbreads with sesame sauce and chili sauce and peanut brittle which tasted in credible no matter how scary it sounds and the dessert of Darjeeling panna cotta with lychee and raspberry yummies and sunflower seed shortbread ooh and ginger sorbet)! Sally and David go eat here once you live here, well worth the train downtown. They even put a candle on the dessert plate. Very sweet.

The limo was great and no vomiting. Everyone had a great time talking and laughing. We got to Navy Pier with just enough time to get on the boat which was a speedboat which added to the sparse rain meant face massage by raindrops. It was crazy and so ridiculous that it made it a better time than if we would've had lovely weather, and then there were fireworks right in front of us and the skyline off to our left. It was beautiful and exactly what anyone could hope it to be. Then we walked back to Sam's along the lake for some snacks and some camaraderie (and we stayed up late all discussing possible end of the world disasters and we discovered that Jared knows big geology words because his dad is a geologist).

Today I was almost too pooped to do anything, so there was much napping and watching of tivo'd stuff. Oh and reading. . . on my new Kindle!!! Which I love! I haven't put too much onto it yet being a little short of cash, but I put the free books Sally recommended, plus every free book I could find that seemed appealing to me including a crap ton of trashy cheapo romance novels. Yeah, that's right, and the best part is that no one will ever have to know I am reading them on the El anymore. I also downloaded the Kindle app for the iphone to my iphone touch, so that I can put book I am currently reading on them and read that if I leave the kindle behind.

Funny story, my mom was on a teacher trip for most of the last week and one of the women on the trip had a Kindle. My mother had never heard of one until that moment, and she saw it and thought, oh my God Heather would love this soooo much I should call Sam and tell him because it would be the perfect birthday present. So when I told her that he got it for me, she screamed. Hilarious.

Dude, I saw my wrapped present!

It is wrapped in Amazon wrapping and there is basically no way it is not a Kindle! I AM SO EXCITED! This will be so dangerous because this book can just get other books in it from the air! Well with the help of a credit card. My current worry is how to fill it before said trip.

Ummm, also it is soooooo hot here and my house is sooooooo not air conditioned that I am staying at Sam's for the duration of this feels like over 90 degree weather that doesn't cool off enough overnight to cool places down inside. It just is too hot. Last night was my first night at his place and it is sooooo nice to be able to sleep in a coolness rather than having to take a cold shower and go to bed still damp so that you are cool enough to sleep as long as the ceiling fan is hitting you and making the still dampness feel like actual cool.

Also, taking cat to vet tomorrow, so that should be awesome because he is an angry angry kitty when we go there, but he has been vomiting lately and we want him to be ok before we leave.

Holy 30th Birthday

It is upon me.  Like really, really upon me.  Like Sunday.  And I had some good things planned and then thought I would fill the rest with Pride and then head home for the family wedding which would include some birthday for me as well, and then Sam got excited.  I also think he is probably trying to atone a bit. 

 

By the way, sidebar--he has attended his first AA meeting and it seems to have made a very strong impact on him and he plans to keep going to that specific one and maybe add another one or two to his weekly rounds at first.  He sounds very different in how he speaks about this now, like a switch went from kinda get it, to oh shit i get it in his brain.  I am still letting this progress to see what really happens and taking it day by day, but I feel calmly optimistic about this.

 

So, next tuesday is the BNL concert in Grant Park with Taste of Chicago.  Sunday is the Pride Parade (which has absolutely nothing to do with my birthday but it will be a fun party where many of my friends will be out and about for) and a wind down from Pride event at friends' house that will likely have some sort of dessert confection with candles on it.  BUT Saturday night is where things get a little out of control (and totally awesome).

 

Sam and I will be picked up by a limo and driven to dinner (totally walking distance from his house but whatever) at Graham Elliot a restaurant by a James Beard nominee (and maybe winner) who was on last week's Top Chef Masters, Graham Elliot Bowles.  Bring it on molecular gastronomy!  Then we get back into limo and drive around Chicago to pick up a select few friends (sorry other friends but I just couldn't take everyone).  The last friends are way up North, so we drive down Lake Shore Drive (with champagne and sparkling grape juice) to Navy Pier where we get on a boat to take a boat tour/ride.  Oh yeah, we get on that boat in time to watch the fireworks that happen every Wednesday and Saturday night during the summer from Lake Michigan over the city skyline.  WHAT? 

 

There is no way this won't be totally awesome!!  And way too extravangant, but Sam keeps telling me I only turn 30 once.

A very informal and unscientific poll

So, going to the wedding quite soon.  It will involve two long plane flights and two long drives and likely some serious airport time.  I will bring my itouch, but I am contemplating bringing my laptop and air card along.

 

Pros: Can watch movies streamed off netflix in airport, in car, even hanging out if applicable (likely not I know), Can read ebooks from library and check out new ebooks from library (this is why I want a Kindle), Can blog and check email super easy, Can upload pics easy

 

Cons: Carrying a laptop everywhere, maybe unecessary as Sam will have his (with aircard), Sam's has netflix on it too (but he works and won't just let me watch what I want), Will likely also be carrying real books

 

 

What say you faithful readers, bring it or leave it?

 

Now I hurt my F -ing finger!

Because when I tried to open a window it came right back on down closed but with enough time for me to stick my hand under it, and then there was blood and some swelling mitigated by ice lots of ice. And it is possibly hotter than actual hell here in my apartment right now because of course my boyfriend picks the first freaking heat of the summer to be a disaster and keep me far the fuck away from his air conditioning.

Hand is better, but will be stiff and probably bad looking for a few weeks. Window still not open. Mani/Pedi postponed since finger seemed a bad choice for that until it gets a little more healed. Apartment still hot but not as hot as it will be tomorrow. Waiting for Sam to finish his meeting.

Watching an old show

I started watching Homicide Life on the Street last night.  It is based on a book by the guy who made The Wire which is really genius brilliant television if you watch it long enough to let it into you.  Homicide is really good too, although I guess this changes midway through its whole life as it became too much regular tv, but I like it right now.

 

Sam relapsed again.  I told him I don't want to speak to him and will not speak to him until he has started AA.  He left me a voicemail while drunk, so I didn't speak to him this morning, I left him a voicemail and sent him an email saying that I am done talking to him.  I imagine he hasn't gotten that yet because he is still sleeping it off.  I am pissed off and exhausted by all this.  I met my breaking point, so I will stay strong on this.  I am looking into Al-Anon and listening to some podcasts. 

Mostly I just want to ease that other post on down the road

Had an interesting weekend.  On Friday, we got caught in a downpour or a deluge on the way to friends' Shakespeare show and was so soaked we couldn't (Sam and I) very well go to the show anymore.  Literally we were wet through, my bra was drenched, we were dripping, the only possible way we could've gotten more wet was to go swimming.  So, we headed home and had a quiet night (where I learned how to download ebooks for free from the library (you only get to keep them for 21 days, but they have audiobooks you can get that way too).

 

Saturday was a lazy day at home until Sam brought delicious food over for dinner and another friend joined us.  Then we went to see the 500 Clown's latest production loosely taken from Brecht's Man is Man into a sort of crazy cabaret type thing.  It was awesome and great fun.  I will probably try to grab another showing of it before it closes (which means sometime my birthday weekend).

 

Then yesterday I was even more lazy before heading over to Sam's for a dinner he made and we had some friends over for that too.

 

Unfortunately, Sam had another relapse this weekend.  He seems to have bounced back from it, but he still went out and had a party night Saturday after the show.  I could tell he wasn't feeling himself at the show, and he intended to go home and sleep but when he got home there was a work emergency involving the Seattle Mariners and the Jonas Brothers (different events).  It stressed him out, so he decided he should go out to a piano bar and drink until 5am.  Then he texted me about it.

 

I let him know my displeasure about it, and the fact that his one night relapses seem to be forming a new pattern within his "not drinking" that makes me crazy and makes me fear he isn't getting as better as he thinks he is.  I also let him know this is a major reason why I think he should try AA, so he would have a person to call when shit starts pulling him the wrong direction.  Instead of having to call me or his friend who barely ever drinks or someone who doesn't really understand the complications of addiction because they haven't really had to fight it.

 

Mostly at this point it freaks me out because I was sure he would get things figured out enough that I could move in by the time my lease is up at the end of August (or mid-August if Azar gets a school roommate).  And right now, I am not sure he will.  And I don't know what I am going to do then.  I mean I can find myself an apartment or a sublet or somewhere to crash.  I have done it before.  I'm a grown up, but I sure haven't planned for it.  And moving to my own place, well it just isn't what I had hoped for or wanted.  That is the bottom line.  I don't want it.  It sucks.

Post-mortem: A friendship

Once upon a time I had a best friend. We met in college and seemed to have an affinity for eachother that drew us together. Eventually we took classes together, acted together, worked together in the costume shop, and even lived together for a while. Then I graduated, but thanks to emails and cell phones we stayed in touch. She came to visit me in Washington, and I went to visit her after she graduated and moved to Chicago.

We were a bit distant, but things were good. Even though we might go a long time in between catching up, we still caught up, and that was the important part. Yes I am sure there were ebbs and flows in our catching up as I fell for this deity nicknamed boyfriend and was ecstatic or as she struggled with the jealousies of her long term boyfriend, as said deity boy dumped me to be closer to his deity and as her relationship eventually splintered under its own baggage and the allure of the world outside of it. When one of us needed more support or when one of us needed someone to celebrate with, the other was there at the end of the phone line.

Then I went to grad school and her relationship ripped itself apart. I was not able to be as available to her as I had before because I was in grad school. I had class, I had rehearsals, I had to memorize lines, I had to do homework, I just had a life that suddenly became full.

She got out of a bad for her relationship, and she got into one with her current husband. I would tell you more about how that worked, except that I don't really have a good recollection of it. I also probably was not as excited as I was expected to be when she told me she was engaged because it seemed like such a quick jump from one relationship to a marriage in another. But I was happy for her, and she asked me to be in the wedding. I had to say no though because I couldn't get there. I was a broke ass college student. Plus I was in summer rep and couldn't get permission to leave in advance, but I had to do the rep that summer in order to get my student loan money which was paying for my life (and getting me able to move away) and enough credits to graduate. In the end I found out about a week before that I could've made it out there, but by that point there was no earthly way I could afford to pay for it.

Apparently this was a MAJOR sin on my part. I still feel there really was no good choice for me there. Yes I did make the choice that was more selfish. I chose to eat all summer, to graduate from my master's program, and to make it possible to move away right away instead of a weekend at a wedding of my best friend (at the time) to someone I had never met. I don't think she ever understood or forgave me for that choice.

Then I moved into the same town as her, and didn't see her for two months. She didn't come help me move or welcome me to town. Our relationship got better about 6 months after I moved there when she fixed me up with a coworker of hers. For the three months we were together, she hung out with me a lot. She called, we did stuff, there was double dating, it was great, like back when we had been in school together.

And then I got dumped, and I freaked out in that dumping. There was a lot of tears, and I soooo freaked him out, and I initially took it a lot harder than I should of. But she wasn't very there for me in my tears and my pain, and I think I was fairly understanding of that. I mean, she was stuck in the middle of that break up, and that is a sucky place to be, so I tried to pour my vitriol out to others and be a little more chill (if not totally fine) to her.

After about a month or so I snapped out of that break up and came back to life. But it seems that I had dropped out of her life. She never managed to find room in her life for me again. We would go months without seeing eachother, even longer than our conflicting schedules would suggest. I would find my way out to her shows and performances, but she wouldn't find her way to mine. Her calls would get less and less, my emails would go unanswered. I would only get emails from her when her theatre company wanted my money or support. I started dating Sam, and I really wanted her to meet him. She ditched late on a double date night arranged like 6 months into our relationship.

She still has never met him. She hasn't returned a call from me in over a year, or sent me an email, or messaged me on facebook or myspace (well she still hasn't accepted me as a friend on facebook). I guess we are broken up. I mean. . . yeah, I guess we are broken up. What else would it be? The people who I call my friends at least try to keep up with me, they inquire as to what I am doing, they come see me, they speak to me. Hell I have enemies that are currently better friends to me than she is. I mean at least they are interested in what I am doing.

For a long time I tortured myself about this. I beat myself up for missing her wedding. I tried to figure out what I could have done to offend her. I tried to think of ways that I could make it back up to her, but none of my overtures were accepted. It made me really sad. It hurt. I blamed myself.

I do not anymore. At this point, I have to accept that it takes two people to hold up a friendship and she has not held up her end in a long time. I am letting this go. We had a great friendship even if it seems it was never meant to be a lasting one. And I have come to a point where I need to stop kicking myself for this because at this point the end of our friendship is on her and not me because she is the one who stopped trying and stopped participating. So that is what this blog post is, closure. Closure on this part of my life.

Or maybe her coworker somehow won her in the break-up?

A couple times a summer

WARNING:  If you do not like gore or blood do NOT read on.

 

 

 

I totally slice myself open with a brand new razor while shaving in the shower, and this morning I did it the worst I have done it in six or seven years.  This meant the shower looked like we had been filming psycho in it.  Seriously about a one inch gash in my thigh that would not stop bleeding.  Pile of blood stained tissue in the trash.  It looks like I was performing bad battlefield surgery on the toilet seat.  And the worst part is, it wasn't from a particularly bad shave.  It was from when I went to rinse the blade in the stream of water from the shower and just drug it across my thigh.  OUCH!  I would advise against that.

 

Seriously I had to use band-aids (two of them) to cover it to go to work because the boo boo brushing up against my skirt was killing me!!!

 

 

Musings

On the fashion front I would like to add these little summer short/jumper combo things to stuff I really hate. If you are older than 6, you should not wear them because they do not look as cute as you think.

I am obsessed by this song called "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked" by Ida Maria (who is norwegian or something). Go here to hear it.

I want to write a big long thing in the next few days but who knows if I will get to it. A post about the end (I guess) of a friendship that I thought would always last (if you are reading this, it ain't about you).

I need a haircut REAL bad! Hopefully I will get in to get one today or Thursday.

I have decided that the lotion that gradually gives you color is my solution to looking pasty at the wedding.

Things I need for the wedding trip: some cute long slim shorts for the rehearsal dinner (so I don't have to wear a skirt and can play volleyball which will happen because it is a family outing, I can wear a skirt to the rehearsal if I have to) and what I term a "full torso sucker-inner" by which I mean something made of a lot of lycra and spandex that smashes all my jiggly bits in and smoothes me out, so it looks like I have lost a few pounds, but I sincerely doubt it will make me look like I have lost 30 pounds, so it isn't going to work as well as I want.

This whole staying at my house instead of Sam's thing got really lonely when my roommate left for the West coast on Saturday.

Also, I sent out my birthday party invites. I didn't invite people I didn't expect to make it to Chicago on a Tuesday night, but if anyone here wants the evite, I will send it to them. My 30th will be celebrated with a free BareNaked Ladies concert during Taste of Chicago but they won't know it is my birthday.

WaMu Chase sucks my balls

Or it would if I had them.

 

A few weeks ago, I realized that I never got a new Chase debit/check card when all the correspondance from the WaMu becoming Chase told me I would, and I was worried that all of suddden my debit card would stop working.  So I go into a WaMu branch to ask them to order me one (that seemed correct as I was a WaMu customer originally), but they can't do that, they in fact can barely find my account.  They then tell me that because my account was opened in Washington and is still routed to Washington state WaMu which has now fully transitioned to Chase (they are doing state by state transitioning), they cannot request that for me.  In fact about all they can do for me is what an ATM can do for me.  Which is fine 90% of the time but not fine when any minute now (you don't know when) your ATM card could get shut off.  Oh yes, your ATM/Checking card that you use for practically everything!!!!  But apparently I can "try" online or certainly go into a Chase bank and get things situated.

 

Alright fine.  At this point I am not too miffed, I though that might be the case.  So I go to a Chase bank (actually I go twice because the first time I had forgotten to put my ID back in my wallet, totally my fault not theirs no biggy whatever).  When I go into a Chase here in IL, they conceded that my acocunt has basically become Chase, but not really, and they cannot see it in their computer systems, so basically here in Illinois they can't help me--although guy who was there when I didn't have my ID was totally willing to try to help me.  So thanks for that Chase branch on the corner of Adams and Wabash.

 

So, I go down to Washington Mutual down the street where they can at least process my deposit but can only kind of give me the cash back I want.  Ok, it was a lot of cash back as I was restocking petty cash for work, but I have plenty to cover that in my account already AND I was putting even more money in (which will all have extra holds because they don't recognize me totally as a WaMu/Chase customer but as some fake not quite Chase customer).  Which I think is a totally crappy way for these banks to treat me for something that is their FAULT anyway.  I didn't fail, WaMu did, and I have been a prefectly decent customer over the years.  Not exemplary but perfectly fine.

 

Anyway, I got what I needed for today, but at this point it seems unlikely that anyplace here in Illinois will be able to get me a new debit card before my debit card gets shut off, thanks for that!  However, if I go to the bank while I am back in Washington, they should be able to help me get a new check/debit/bank card, but lord knows if they will be able to mail it to me.  Woo hoo!  This has been so fun.  But I tweeted @chasebank about it, and hopefully they will try to help me.  Dbags!

lovely surprise

Sally of Sallyacious.com is in town getting an apartment in preparation to move, and she brought me my birthday present early (AND SHE MADE IT) and it is AMAZING!!!!  It is so lovely.  As soon as I find my camera I will post shots of it here.  But it is awesome, and I am so happy.

 

More on that once there is visuals though.

Sam wants to go back to college

He wants to get an MS in product development which sounds very engineer-y mostly I guess because it is.  I think this will be good for him.  I think that it will open up a new world for him in his job, which will I hope keep him happy for a very long time.  It will also open up opportunities that would lead to other jobs if he wanted them in the future.  He also would be able to get this degree while working full time.  So, we will have a lonely kitty in the months when I am in rehearsals.

 

I think this is very good for him, and I like that it will give him a focus.  In other news the restaurant/bar where he played piano on Sundays and found many of his drinking buddies has closed.  So no more piano for him although he is looking to see if this active seniors retirement community in the neighborhood would be interested in having him play and he might do mornings there bright and early.  He played at this place on Mother's Day and they loved him.  We used to know the director of dining services, but our friend moved on to another job in Phoenix.  I am sad for the people we know who worked at that restaurant, but I am not sad that Sam's main drinking haunt has been shuttered.

Awesome Discovery!

Yesterday I realized that I am (technically) "gay for pay."  Yes I am, thank you the Ville.  I mean I put technically there because I am not in porn.  I am just in a play where I pretend to be gay although I have pretended to do the business with a girl on stage, so there you go.  This post just got awkward and uncomfortable and all I meant was for it to be funny.  I am sorry.

Paintball hurts

I have welts.  Some of them look awful but only hurt moderately, others look barely existant but hurt like f ing hell!  But paintball was way fun!  Lots of running around and I don't really shoot that many of my bullets.  I conserve and shoot when I think I have a good clear shot.  Plus I tend to let others do the military like stategizing and I follow their instructions because I don't really know what I am doing.  But I will definitely go again in the fall when we set it back up.

Solution to my craptastic day?

Is Henry Rollins the solution?  He might be.  Listening to some spoken word by him.  Sigh.  Also I just discovered that my roommate met him.  She saw him in NYC with Jeanane Garofalo and Mark Maron, and he spoke about his visit to Iran and how nice and smart and not at all like he was led to expect the people were there.  This made her sob like a baby (her parents are Iranian who left around the time the Ayatollahs happened--I could be mistaken on some of that) because so few Americans realize that.  So she talked to Mark Maron after the show and asked him to relay her thanks to Henry, and instead he went and got him and Henry talked to her for about 20 minutes.  I am so jealous.  She confirms he is super hot in person too.  (Insert Sally shaking her head and disagreeing here--she doesn't get what I see in him.)

Thoughts about turning my own relationship sort of upside down and shaking it by one leg

I feel like I am punishing myself.  But that is not how I feel.  My thoughts on what I have done to my own relationship which I know was vitally necessary, vitally, vitally necessary like it was on a path to totally wither and die in a horrendous horrendous way a year or two down the line and this sort of upturning was what it needed IF it was going to survive (which at this point I am pretty confident it is).  I mean I get that.  I also get that it was less than two weeks ago, so nothing is really changed now, but I keep having to remind myself of that.

 

This is so jumbled.  And I don't know how to untangle my thoughts and my emotions here, and I think that writing them here is better than vomiting them all on Sam because he feels like he ought to have a cure or a fix for them and then he feels like he caused them and not drinking is really a hard enough big deal for him to focus on. So I am going to ramble here instead. 

 

The great news is that he isn't drinking and has been filling his life with projects that have languished around his apartment like pictures that need hung and learning new songs on the piano.  He also bought a printer/scanner/copier that he used to make his own personal fake book with the best sheets for every song that he knows from his many fake books, so he just brings a binder instead of a bag full of music.  He looks better, he seems to be feeling better, and I think he is on the right track.  I worry that he hasn't yet reached out to get a support net outside of himself, but it is still early on and he takes some time to psych himself into taking big scary steps.  I am so glad that he is getting better.

 

I hate that I can't be with him while he does this, even though I think that the space he is getting is important to him getting better, but it is just a total bummer.  Like tonight, I am wiped and just want to go home and chill and cuddle.  But since plan is in effect, I am going home to my house.  Sam has to stay late at work and will not be coming over.  So I can go home and I can chill, but as for cuddling there is no cat no boyfriend.  I get what a pillow?  A cell phone?  Not the same dudes.  Not the same.  And I have my stuff (my good stuff) all split in two places.  Which is a weird way to live.  It is kind of living out of a hotel room that you are in long enough to put stuff in the drawers but not long enough that you have all your stuff.  And I am kind of an asshole, so I resent that he still gets to be with all his stuff.  He gets to cuddle with the cat.  He didn't have to be uprooted.  He still gets cable and tivo.  And these are totally stupid things to resent.

 

In fact I think that I just resent this situation.  I resent that this had to happen.  Really it isn't even resentment, it is just the way I funnel how upset I am about this.  I don't know.  It is a big pain, and I don't like it, and I would just freaking move back in if I didn't still think this is an important thing for him to have right now until he really has a good track record of being healthy and having his stuff in order.  I just don't like it.  I don't like it and it makes me unhappy.  And I feel like a toddler.  Because I want to just sit down and cross my arms and pout.  Big pouty pouty face.

Work Fail

I have a coworker who is a bit of an exacting asshole who loves to jump on other mistakes and fly them like flags. I am also in a position to support him with administrative assistance, so often I am in a position to do things for him. But he is very exacting while still being resistant to offering help in any way like not even feeling obligated to give me the full and correct information on something. I feel it is not shocking that this leads to me screwing up. I screwed up a few weeks ago when I ordered letterhead.

I mean, I thought it was ok from the PDF proof and the communication to help me read it and approve it. I thought it was ok. I could've gotten a paper proof, but it would've added another week onto the production time, and this coworker was already breathing fire that this letterhead was a month too late. So I thought it was ok, as best as I could tell, and I opted for speed instead of total surety. And that seems to have been the wrong choice. The letterhead is wrong. It is too small and printed in not exactly the right place and looks overall kinda weird.

This is the second time I have made a major purchase for his division and something went majorly wrong. This is the second time the catalyst has been the pressure and even the voice raising (not quite to yelling) that he has done to me about what I am ordering.

When I have done orders like this for other divisions, there have been no mistakes in the year I have been there. I have taken a lot longer time (well, just the time needed to insure it is done right), and no one has yelled at me or put crazy undue pressure. Well not entirely true. My boss yells but only because he doesn't realize how loud his voice is, and I will yell right back and then he quiets down, apologizes, and shapes up. But shocking, letting me do my job allows me to do my job, who knew?!

Anyway, the discovery of said fail just ruined what had been a good morning. Awesome! Thanks Douchey McDoucheface.

Weekends

I am liking them more and more. They used to be exhausting and often rather disastery (which is to be expected when you either go out until all hours in the morning or stay home and worry about someone else out until all hours of the morning and then sleep away all the day parts of them).

This weekend was full of friends and shows and fun. Friday night was Legally Blonde the musical which was AWESOME! And WAY fun!!! Saturday was costco trip and friends and bad movies and then a autobiographical monologue show starring other friends. Sunday was rehearsal and then a little cuddle time with the boyfriend and then running into random friends on the street and then dinner with my roommate. We had steak and this cucumber, greek yogurt, mint dip that she makes (she is Persian) and green beans and then we ate ice cream straight out of the pint and watched another bad movie (this one was worse than the other, a seriously terrible rom com that is the reason the genre has a bad name--actually it was pretty funny how I kept calling out exactly what was about to happen with a 97% success rate and I had never seen it before). It was great!

Tomorrow night is show time! We open another ep of the ville. And I have people's coming.

I hate Maxi Dresses

For real. I just don't like them if they fall longer than mid calf. They are ok falling that length, comfy and cozy, perhaps longish but whatevs, summer appropriate and sometimes what you need. I HATE full length eat your feet maxi dresses. They look awful and mumu and caftan-y (not in a good way) on almost everyone. I mean they aren't even that flattering a look for Uma Freaking Thurman and she is 19 feet tall with all the boobs and curves a woman could hope for. About the only people they look mildly flattering on are anorexic models who need the extra pounds they add if only to look less like a corpse.

Just seen a lot of them around Chicago lately and would like my displeasure to be felt.

Other than that, I got nothing. Well except this, the June episode of the Ville is going to be really good! Lots happening, people being funny, good sad serious stuff. Just all around good. People seem to be really nailing it, so if you will be in Chicago on a Monday in June, you should come out and see it.

Long Weekend

It was also a trying one. My decision turned out to be even harder than I thought that it would be, and I already knew it was really, really hard. Then Sam was being difficult and I wasn't sure why, but we ended up talking it out, and I think we both understand each other better, and he still isn't drinking, so that is good.

I am back at my apartment watching "The Way We Were" as Azar makes a collage. She has never seen it, but I think she will love it. (Right now she is squealing and covering her eyes because Hubble has gone home with Katie and it is only the first half an hour)

This week will see me falling back into my life's routine. It will also see me stopping work on the novel. I just have had too much stress and insanity in my life to keep it up and the deadline is just stressing me out, and I am stressed out enough without it. It is there on my computer, if I want to work on it, I can. I just am off the program. I will NaNoWriMo this November, and call it good.

This is weird

But, I know that this is something that I am going to have on my mind for the next few weeks if not months, so I know I will want to be able to talk about it here, so I have to acknowledge it here even if this is kind of uncomfortable for me.

 

In the past I have acknowledged that Sam and I have been going through some rough patches.  It has been now the better part of the year that we have been in and out of rough patches.  I know now (and have known for some time but not the whole time) that they are due to the fact that Sam is an alcoholic.  He hasn't quite gotten to the point where he has or even can acknowledge the full power of what that means to himself.  He has said he thinks he is one, but I don't think that he has let himself really wrap his brain or life around that, right now he mostly considers it a "symptom" of his anxiety disorder.  At times he does better with it than others, and he is definitely a functioning alcoholic when it comes to work, but when it comes to his home life (and my home life) he is way less functioning.  He has never hit me or done anything that extreme to me other than just generally being a jerk to me when he is drunk and having no recollection of it while sober.  This week, it got the better of me.  I finally had enough of his shitty behavior and how crappy it was making my life, and I decided that if I want my life better I need to quit moping and take action, so I have.

 

For those of you with pits in their stomachs, Sam and I have not broken up nor do I have intentions of doing that.  While I still have my own apartment, I am moving there.  Tonight I drive a zipcar load back home, and I will be staying there at least until my roommate gets back from her summer vacay in Iran near the end of July.  It solves the problem of who will look after my house while she is gone, and gives Sam the opportunity to shape up.  I will not be staying at his house, although I will go there to visit my cat (who is staying with Sam).  Sam is welcome to stay at my place although he has a curfew to avoid late night drunken insanity of the variety that has of late been making my life crappy.  Along with the cat, some of my stuff will still stay at Sam's because I don't intend this a permanent move.  Although, if Sam does not use this opportunity to get his shit in order, there is the ominous (and I hope unecessary) possibilty that it is a permanent move.  I really, really hope not.  But Sam the alcoholic has the very classic alcoholic history of fixing things just enough to get himself out of trouble but not enough to lead to him having to give up too much of what he wants.  I did also make a condition of my returning to his apartment that he must either attend start attending AA or make a full disclosure of his drinking and the problems it has caused in his life to his psychologist who he mostly has been not bothering to tell about it while being on medicine for an anxiety disorder that totally is sabotaged by alcohol.

 

Like I said, this will be on my mind for the next weeks and months.  I am on the one hand happy about it because I really am optimistic that it will put us on the path to real change, but on the other hand quite sad because it is kind of a heart wrenching thing to be doing and just a generally awful circumstance to find myself in.  I really wish we had never had to be here.

 

I am not however a disaster.  I am fine.  I have been much more of a disaster than I am right now when dealing with this earlier.  I do think this is a good step.  Sam and I both plan on attending my brother's wedding over 4th of July, the bitchbarn reunion the next weekend, celebrating my birthday at the end of June, and taking a huge vacation with his family right around the time I am to move back in (if all goes well), so this is definitively not a step towards the end of a relationship so much as a step towards fixing what is broken in it.

no further

I have written no further, instead I was in the grips of a killer cold that made me feel like I was going to die.  Well maybe not so dire, but there was feverish bits and chills and a painful sore throat that turned into a hacking cough and there were rivers and oceans of snot that wasn't terribly technicolor which was nice.  I basically stopped eating since I wasn't hungry, but if hot soup appeard I would drink that because it made the throat feel better.  I think I subsisted for four days off three bowls of soup and some water.  I tried to drink liquids, but I know I wasn't drinking close to enough.  Mostly I fell in and out of sleep on my bed.

 

Which makes today back at work wonderful!  WONDERFUL!  There is sky and the air from outdoors and other people, and I am just so happy to be out and alive--although some of this may be the codeine in my cough suppressant/expectorant talking.  I also have a new doctor who is very exotic and beautiful, and I will be going back to see her for regular phyiscal/check up doctoring (my first since moving to Chicago, I know, I know, shame on me, I know, there were just big chunks of no insurance or insufficient insurance or no ability to pay the copay or take the time off to go to the doctor, so please don't tell me socialized medicine would be awful because it would make many people's lives so much easier but whatever).  Did I mention codeine?  Ok, so I am not really taking as much codeine as I am making it sound.  I take a teaspoonful and then like later by many hours (often more than the label says) I take another when I start coughing again, and the label says I could take two teaspoonfuls if I want which I did last night to help get to sleep.

 

I seriously have not had a cold like that in so long I cannot remember.  Seriously it was ickariffic.  A term I have no coined for bad colds.

 

Back to rehearsal and some writing tonight.  Tomorrow night and Friday will be heavy writing nights as well.  Basically I must become instantly very effficient at finding time to write as I am about halfway to what I should be by the end of the week (as in should be at 15k and am at 7250).

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Well that is a little better. I guess, a little less in the whole for this week. I will keep things posted.

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I have been so sick today. My throat hurts so badly. It just hurts like right where a choker would go and I am drinking cough syrup (well not really, really using it as directed on the label) and eating the occasional cough drop and drinking hot liquids and sleeping a lot while everyone else went sailing. But I am trying to get some words in tonight even though it is not likely I will stay on goal target, but I will get back on goal target soon. I know I will. Tomorrow has a good chunk of time devoted to typing/novelling.

New Modern Wing of the Art Institute of Chicago

It is a truly gorgeous space.  It feels like you are in a piece of art, or more like a generous, glorious frame.  The views are gorgeous, and along the side of the building that has the truly amazing ones overlooking Millenium Park, they have done a good job of staging art that seems to be complimented by it.  A lot of the stuff are old favorites from the collection which is nice (good to see the Picassos and the Pollock and the Chagall's and the Braques and all that and the Joan Miro and my favorite Spanish Dancer painting, oh and the candy pile that makes me sad and want to take a piece but I never do now that I know it symbolizes the death of the lover it is in memorial to), but other things are new or at least much less exhibited than the ones I listed above.

 

A video installation called "Clown Torture" which is so bizarre and so hilarious, made more hilarious by the many, many people who either clearly don't get it, just don't like it, or are scared of clowns.  It just made me laugh and laugh.  A giant fallen log made from a cast of a giant fallen log that was then carved in a different kind of wood, creepy lynching wallpaper room, and the room chock full of Joseph Cornell boxes were some of my favorites.  I bet I will go back to that room over and over because I feel like those boxes will reveal new things each time.  They are so beautiful but so lonely.

 

 

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So I wrote some more last night, just not a ton more.  I fear for this book, it is clearly on the path to not working as well as it should because we still haven't seen hide nor hair of the hero.  Whoops!  But I toy with two things, holding out hope that the book itself has a story salvageable from some of the filler that is being written and probably will continue to get written (thanks deadline) or the possibility of making it a romance novel where you meet ther hero as late as possible (which would be a very clear this book's plot will self destruct in ___ pages).  Although the second choice may be harder than just writing the dang thing and plugging forward.  I won't be writing today as I have a very full day, but I intend to bust at least a couple hundred to a couple thousand words out Saturday morning, and then I will have my three hour writing marathon on Sunday night to look forward to.

 

 

I kepp forgetting things

I put on a windbreaker over my lightweight sweater today feeling that would be sufficient to get to work warmly enough and light enough to cram into my bag on the way to rehearsal after work.  However, I realized AT work, that I had put my windbreaker on inside out.

 

Yes, yes I did this.

 

In my defense it is almost the exact same color red on the inside and on the outside, plus equally shiny.  It also is a fashion windbreaker rather than a sporty one, so it has no bungess, pockets, or random cordy-lumpy-sticky-outy things on it.  Just a little like ruching detail that isn't terribly bumpy.  So I walked to the bus stop, by many people, stood at bus stop on Michigan freaking Avenue with many people, and got onto fairly full bus (you know full of people) and no one mentioned that perhaps my coat was on wrong.  It seems wistful to hope that no one noticed.

 

Such is my life.

Oh, and Twitter

There is this guy I follow (not sure why back from my early days) who has been leaving an alarming number of tweets about his divorce.  LIke about signing the papers and taking off his ring, and I don't know him, and he is leaving them on a page that also mostly pimps the company he seems to co-own, and it makes me uncomfortable, plus he has like 4800 followers, so that seems like not something you should do.  AT ALL.  It has been creeping me out for more than a week, so I just unfollowed him.  Phew.

I am so squidgy

I am now.  I didn't used to be.  Or at least I am much more squidgy about things like buses and crazy neighborhoods now that I am so used to living in much more tony neighborhoods.  I think it is in part, that Sam's neighborhood is full of eyes at all times because every other building has a doorman and so do all the hotels, often more than one doorman.  They are standing or sitting and often looking out and around, and the hotel guys usually nod or say hello.  I have become accustomed this, so when I am in neighborhoods without the doormen at each building, I get squidgy.  Back in the day I lived in the neighborhoods I get squidgy about.  Now, I like to think I was aware and stayed reasonably safe.  Well I was fine, so I did stay safe, but I tried to avoid doing things that were really risky and even took longer routes home as needed depending on the time of day.

 

Last night I was on the Sheridan bus fairly late and found myself being extra squidgy.  I mean there was a dude on the bus who deserved squidginess, but nothing else did.  I even knew it was ridiculous, but there I was getting weird in my old age.  Sigh.  What to do.

 

Anyway, Sunday was a day full of house cleaning and rehearsal and Star Trek (which was GREAT and you should go see it, totally fun), and yesterday was full of work and rehearsal.  Rehearsal that was full of real acting.  Like REAL acting, like I haven't done in forever.  I have been just off as Alex lately, and I don't know why, like I think I am pitching strikes right at the catcher, but these pitches are going totally wild every time.  However, last nights rehearsal really helped a lot, and I just have to do some homework with myself and be a good actor.  Side note, it was also a good rehearsal because the director and I have now worked together enough that we just get eachother's process, so we can just lay things out and be honest and not need to get all angsty examining things--one of the best things about working on a project this long!

6035 and not even midnight

Well, I hit a roll and found not only the 5000 I needed for the week's goal, but am a day and some ahead before next week has even technically started. I intend to wake up and work on it a bit tomorrow before rehearsal, and then hope to steal some time with it over the week around rehearsals. I am probably going to need to take the laptop to work a few times, to type away at lunch and maybe even on longer bus and train rides. Oooh, I will feel so important novelizing on public transportation.

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So I just thought I was twice as far along as I really was. That is awesome, so I have two hours to get 613 words or I fail at my first deadline, and I am so letting myself be distracted by IM's with Chrissy who helped the cause by knowing the word syllabus!

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I have resorted to bad cliche and minute descriptions in order to put more words to my count. Although more and more odd people are beginning to populate the setting, my hometown not in any way concealed or veiled.

Whatevs, I have a hard enough time keeping the geography straight in real places much less fake ones, and this is a practice novel, just to get it done and accomplished and hid under the bed for all eternity if not ceremoniously burned. Anyways, I am going to stop for right now. Watch some Gray's Anatomy 100th episode, and maybe go back to it later tonight and certainly tomorrow morning. I may also bust out the help book Sally sent me for ideas on how to power through this slump or rather challenge, this challenge. At least I am close to where I should be today, and tomorrow's numbers are doable.

Ok, so I didn't write anything again last night

But I had a very full evening of driving all over Chicago to pick up my crew to go see 500 Clown MacBeth which I have seen before and totally love.  Sam, Jamie, and Chris went with me.  Jamie has seen their Christmas show live and this show on DVD, Chris has seen it on DVD, and Sam has nothing of theirs, so it was exciting to watch it with newbies.  It was awesome as it always is with the first half making me laugh so hard that my face hurt before the show itself devolves into serious moments that make me hold my breath and then lose some tears.  But it took up my whole evening, so no writing. 

 

Tonight however, there is a different agenda.  Tonight I am shooting for at least 1,000 words and another 1,500 tomorrow which means I meet my weekly goal.  Sunday is pretty jam packed, so I am secretly trying to double that amount for each day in order to pad for next week when I will have limited time because of rehearsals and because I am giving up my usual 3 hour Sunday writing window to go see Star Trek with people.

 

Also I walked all the way to work today.  1.8 miles broken up by a short trip into Dominick's to buy dessert for today's work luncheon.  It was a lovely walk, and I took a little detour through the Lurie Garden in Millenium Park which was cool, lovely, and brimming with Spring flowers this morning.  A wonderful start to the day!

Just odds and ends

I didn't write any yesterday, instead I went to bed early because I was very tired, but I am very glad to be welcoming Jim into the 5k a week for 10 weeks club.  He is at http://livewriteordei.wordpress.com so please help me encourage him on.

 

I really, really, really, really REALLY want an Amazon Kindle 2.  I check on it online every couple of days, and it is still really expensive, and I should start saving up for it now.  Although I have a $30 Amazon gift certificate, so that only leaves me like $329 dollars short.  Which you know is only a ridiculous chunk of my monthly paycheck, so whatever you know?  Plus we are saving up for a next generation TiVo box, so we can have dual tuner capabilities, more storage space, the ability to watch netflix on demand through it, and so we can put one in the bed room so Sam never misses an episode of friends ever and can watch some of them from bed as he falls asleep.  But when that has been purchased (as we are almost there on that one), I will start saving up for a Kindle.  Unless I get one for my birthday.  I did ask for one, but it is one of those presents that I feel bad asking for because they are quite expensive, and even if I would LOVE having one, I would feel bad getting one as a gift because they are expensive.  So we shall see.  Maybe I will just ask for an Amazon gift certificate that I will just apply to my Kindle purchase, maybe I will ask my family for those too?!  Then I would be very close to the end goal.  This may be the way to go.

 

Seeing 500 Clown MacBeth tonight with Chris, Jamie, and Sam.  It should be fun since it will be everyone else's first time seeing it live (Jamie and Chris have seen tapes of it).  I am way excited.

 

Last night I kind of live twitterd "Criminal Minds" because it had a few glaring factual errors.  They went to Bend, Oregon to solve a series of murders by car (or rather big truck) and it used as a set piece one if not two multi-story parking garages.  At this point I called bullshit because although a similar size east coast or even midwest town might have a parking garage or two at a hospital or a downtown area, Bend is in the middle of almost nothing and therefore, they pave, they don't build.  They might have one in the whole town, but I seriously doubt it, and they do not have two.  My twitter network seemed to confirm this.  They did pronounce Oregon correctly, but they also seemed to think the commute from Eugene to Bend would be something people may do for work which I again call bull shit as that would be around a 5 1/2 to 6 hour round trip.  Yeah they probably head to Eugene for shopping and things every once in a while but not terribly frequently.  I will give them the 8+ hour drive back from Napa Valley as an every once in a while thing, but that barely I give them.  It was just bugging me.  I hate it when they get things super wrong about the Pacific Northwest, although last season they did a decent job faking the Spokane area, so I will give them that.

New other blog post and a thing

http://www.barebonedtheatre.org/villeblog.html is the link to the second blog post for the Ville. 

 

The thing:  I am really overwhelmed and hugely excited by how helpful and supportive my blogosphere types have been to project novel that has barely just begun.  Seriously, you guys are wonderful and I really appreciate all your input in the comments!  Thank you, thank all of you so much.

2690

And I had to take a break today. I wrote nothing more yesterday because I had to go to the Ville and I was lazy after work and before bed. All I wanted was some How I Met Your Mother and sleep which is what I did. I was hoping to get to 2860 before the end of the day, and I just realized that I was much closer to that than I imagined. 170 more before the end of today totally possible. Also hoping to have taco salad for dinner tonight, and I should start cooking that soon.

Looking forward to Friday

Because as it stands I get it all to myself. From the moment I get home, it will be just me until probably lateish. I forsee an evening of novel writing, cat cuddling, and movie watching. Sam will be out with his coworkers at an employee event.

1510

Lots of writing tonight while Sam played piano at the bar. Hopefully I will stay ahead of the curve. That is my goal for all ten weeks, so hopefully I will be done before the ten weeks are over.

218

And so it begins. I am a couple of paragraphs in and I have no real idea where it is going. Big city girl returns to her old home town due to a death in the family. Other than that, it is wide open!

Taking a break for now. Will be writing more tonight at the restaurant where Sam plays for three hours every Sunday. It seems that will be some prime writing time.

I will keep you all posted.

My mother and the email

My mother cannot remember my email address to save her soul. This was understandable back when I primarily used my hotmail address because it consisted of a series of kind of nonsense-y words some of which were spelled with numbers. There was really no hope that she would be able to remember it ever, and it was even kind of a stretch for her to write it down correctly.

About a year and a half ago I made the switch away from hotmail to another free internet email provider and I simplified and professionalized my email address. It is now resume friendly. It is my first name . my last name at (newprovider).com.

My mother gave me my first name, and I think she is aware of what it is, and we actually share the same last name, so there shouldn't be any spelling misunderstandings. And I have had the, "Now what is your email conversation again?" with her every few months for that entire time. At no point has it ever gotten shorter, like at no point has she gone, "Oh, oh yes, I know that one. OK."

Every. single. time. She asks, so it is heather? What? Oh ok. Wait, what does dot mean? Oh a dot is a period. Ok. Yeah. Then she will say it to me and it will be wrong. Now when my mother calls and I start to say my email address, Sam collapses into giggles and must leave the room because he finds it so seriously hilarious. I cannot fathom how she cannot remember it or for the love of god at least save it to her address book

Janeane Garofalo was AWESOME

I can't even begin to explain how wonderful she is. She is the funnest, coolest, awesome kind of girl ever. And her stand up was funny, but I cannot explain how. It was kind of like being at a party with someone who is 150% on while still being a good listener and only being mean to like Hannity and scary Fox News Republicans and not mean to anyone else.

I LOVE HER!!!!! Like I just love her. That is all I have.

She appeared with Mark Maron who was also great. His comedy was much more complicated and walked a pretty fine line between what most people would find funny and really awkward. And I admit to finding some of it uncomfortable. But I think my favorite thing about it was that he clearly loved watching his more complicated jokes hit the audience because they didn't hit everyone and the people they did hit sort of rolled into the joke in a wave. And he got such great satisfaction out of people running with his very hard, very smart comedy that he completely won me over. I also kept thinking how much Chrissy would like him.

There was also a local comic named Dan something, and I really liked his long geek based jokes. He got a lot of mileage out of being a big nerd and telling really long complicated jokes about the comic books he is a fan of and playing too much worlds of warcraft. I liked him, if I could remember his f ing name I would try to go see him again. It was kind of like Dan Fogelberg, but he obviously wasn't Dan Fogelberg.

what a busy bee i is

This weekend is just chock full of the fun!

 

Tonight, we have Jazz at the symphony center (an evening with Brad Meldhau) and then (like literally I will haul ass outside and grab a cab to haul ass to my seat at the LakeShore Theatre) Jeananne Garofalo.  Tomorrow night a late night preformance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  I am so full of stuff to do.

 

Also, I would like to announce my intention to write a novel in about two months.  Instead of the NaNoWriMo version of one month, I want to force myself to do something I can do.  May is rehearsal month for the Ville, and I just couldn't do my very on ChiMayWriMo and stay with it.  The end of the month would kill me, so I am adapting my own version.  5,000 words a week for 10 weeks or 50,000 words/end of novel that is at least 50,000 words--which means if I break 50,000 and finish novel before 10 weeks I stop writing.  I will hold myself to writing at least every third day, but this is asking me to average 715 words a day, so I will need to keep my nose to the grindstone.  I will update my progress here, and I would like all of you to please, please, please keep me to it.  Bet me.  Make demands on me that require me to embarass myself if I do not finish.  Conveniently, the week after my deadline is the reunion of the bitchbarn.  I will even give draft copies there to people who wnat them.  But please, keep me with it. 

 

Rules:

I start on Sunday.  So the 4th of July is my Independence Day (also my brothers wedding so I better get some serious typing done on the plane and around the festivities/

A week is Sunday to Monday.

I have to hit 50,000 words, or I am massive Fail.

 

And away we go.

 

Is this awkward?

Basically, I have taken over being in charge of having my boyfriend take his medicine.  And I am torn over it (oh and this is his anti-anxiety medicine and his blood pressure medicine both of which he takes once a day).

 

Pros:

 

He is total crap at remembering to take it at all and at a regular time each day.

 

When he forgets, he takes a few days to adjust it back to normal which raises his anxiety level, sometimes a lot and then stupid ridiculous things happen like him setting fire to a pizza in the oven (because he thought it would be fine to warm it up in the pizza box under the broiler, it was not fine) as well as him panicking over small things that often make small nuisances into giant disasters.

 

He invents odd science that doesn't really work to explain/justify his spacing of meds.

 

When he is on his medicine, taken correctly he feels better, a lot better (as in not about to panic most of the time).

 

Cons:

 

Dude, I totally feel like his mom.

 

I can be a total hardass about it, and I don't think he appreciates it.

 

Dude, I totally feel like his mom.

 

C'mon, isn't it kind of weird.

 

Dude, I totally feel like his mom.

 

 

Well, and things just become very, very not good when his medicine is not taken.  The doctor has found a good dosage for him, so he doesn't feel hampered by his medicine, and I would imagine that is in part because he takes a pretty low dose at regular intervals and that the blood pressure medicine is a helper at making him feel more calm and relaxed.  And he seems to be at his best self when he is relaxed and happier.  Off the meds he gets kind frantic and things start going wrong and wrong and wronger.  Because he hasn't been on the magic dosage that long (other doses came with there own set of total crap effects), he does still need them.  He is learning lifestyle ways to manage his stress and anxiety but they are all the kind of thing that takes a while to become second nature and super effective.  So for now, I am the medicine drill sergeant. 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

******

Also I was totally going to make today's post about how the city is FINALLY in spring bloom.  They put in all the tulips at the beginning of the month for the Olympic Committee visit, but they were just stalks, and now they are flowers!!!!!  And it always happens over a two day segment which has been the last two days.  Of course in some places in Streeterville and downtown, it happens overnight because buildings and places hire landscape gardeners and their crews to do this and they literally do it overnight or early one morning or one afternoon.  In a snap!

My temporary other blog

Hey, please go here if you want to follow my blogging about the play I am in for the theatre company.

 

http://www.barebonedtheatre.org/villeblog.html

 

I am clearly still getting the hang of this and maybe should take some breaths between my sentances.

Exercise

I forget how good it makes you feel, even when you only do a little bit of it.  I have been staying on track with my wii trainer, and I have been feeling good.  And I do this thing where I decide to [run, do yoga, do pilates, jog, go to the gym, hit a NIA class] on a reasonable basis, and I always dread it and try to weasel my way out of it.  And then I go and do it and feel much better in my daily life whether the yoga makes me feel taller or more flexible or the cardio wakes me up or whatever, I just end up feeling better.  And I am sure there is some science about endorphins or something that explain it, and since it happens every time I should be less shocked by it, but every time I am astonished.  This time though I am trying to make it a life change.  Wouldn't it be nice to feel this way all the time?

 

Oh, I will be blogging for the Ville, the live GLBT soap opera that I am in.  I will post links here whenever one of those posts goes live.  I just finished writing my very first ever, and yes, yes I am avoiding working.

 

Feeling confident

I realized a while back that I had gained weight.  Not the just a little bit, but A LOT of weight.  I had moved out of appropriate for my height and into overweight and then well into overweight.  It had gotten pretty not cool.  Most of my clothes didn't fit.  I had moved from muffin topping to gigantic oven mess that has no name, and even though friends and family still assured me I did not look big, I knew that this was getting to be problematic.  Especially when I started feeling it while walking.  I had slowed down a few speeds not because I was in less of a hurry, but because I was too out of shape to keep up my old pace. 

 

So, I think I have mentioned here that I was going to do something about it.  And then I didn't really do anything.  And then almost three weeks ago, I stopped drinking alcohol.  That meant no glasses of wine (well half bottles) with dinner, no margaritas at mexi places, no two and three french martini nights at the local bar, no extra large vodkas and sprite at howl at the moon (thanks anyway Tony), and no Bailey's nightcaps.  Because well I drank a lot.  No, I mean a LOT!  I took a survey and counted it up, and I was averaging 18 drinks a week, that is almost three a day.  You know how many calories are in that?  Especially when you like fruity sugary drinks?  So yeah.  That is a lot.  And it isn't like I was swapping out dessert or anything else for them.  I was adding it all on. 

 

For the last three weeks I have been trying to replace them with something no calorie, water at dinner, diet coke on weekends or if I want to stay awake, occasionally cranberry juice with a shot of orange, sometimes sprite or orangina or horchata or whatever non-alcoholic tasty drink they may serve at the restaurant.  It was way harder than I imagined it would be.  Not that I have really been tempted to cheat, but it totally sucks to wash down those chips and salsa at a mexi place with water when you really want and icy margarita.  And wine bars, without wine?  Ummm, less fun actually.  Cheese plates without red wine?  Well cheese is still good, but it misses its friend.

 

However, I feel a lot better and a lot more alert most days.  It is a little easier to get up in the morning.  I have also started to work out (but so far only a little), but I have begun to see other results.  Like a pair of pants that was getting dangerously close to being my last pair of pants that fit me and being dangerously close to not even that.  I kind of had to wear them with the right shirt that landed just so, or better yet a sweater that sort of folded up all blousy at the bottom or people would totally notice the too much sausage trying to fit into (or rather bust out of) the casing.  Perhaps that wasn't the best metaphor.  Today, the first time in a week I have worn said pants, they slipped on and have more room in them than before.  They still squeeze in a bit at the waist, but only a tiny bit.  I don't feel self concious about them.  At this rate, if I gear up the working out, and I stay off the booze, and I try to protion control/eat healthier for more serious, I may well have slimmed quite a bit down in time for the big 30 looming just over the horizon of two months and odd days away.

Even MORE pouch cooking

Here is tonight's dinner. A chicken/potato based pouch. Turns out potatoes not fully cooked this way even if they are tiny and red, but we nuked them the rest of the way, and they are even ok this way if you don't mind more raw potatoes. See below for putting it together pics as well as more info about what I made.

Pouch Cooking: pre oven

I was so impressed with the colors of my dinner that I decided I would blog it.



Here is tonight's pouch meal. On the bottom are teeny tiny red potatoes (halved or quartered as needed) and bits of onion that I salted and peppered. Then I added a layer of julienned yellow peppers and on top of that the chicken breasts (each salted and peppered). On top there are halved grape tomatoes, more yellow peppers, some carrots (my other aromatic with the onions), and a bay leaf (because if we are steaming, this could work out well).

Now I am ready to pouch up!

Pouch Cooking: into the oven

Here is my pouch all stapled up (yes with that office stapler) and ready to be put in the oven. The liquid I used was some champagne that was going flat (from mimosas on the weekend), some honey, and some bitters (so I can call this champagne cocktail chicken).

It is actually in the oven as we speak!

cooking

I made my first foray into pouch cooking last night, and even though I kinda screwed some of it up, it was still totally delicious and super easy.  Bascially I washed and cut up some veggies, soaked some couscous for a bit, thawed out some chicken, threw all of the above into a bit of parchment paper, added salt and pepper, dumped some vermouth on it and stuck it in a 400 degree overn for 25 minutes.  Out it came with juicy chicken, perfectly and fragrantly steamed veggies, and sooooo yummy.  I messed up on the couscous prep, and I could've used better veggies (but I had to improvise), but I am soooo doing this again.  Mostly because we have a freezer stuffed with chicken, but yeah.

 

Tonight it is going to have red potatoes and cherry tomatoes in it.  And some other stuff, not sure what.  A yellow pepper?  Onions and carrots?  The chicken, and maybe white or red wine instead of vermouth.  Or vermouth again.  I don't know.  I do what I want.  And I cooked it inside of parchment paper, that I then threw away when finished.  Ok, so not eco friendly, but Heather's approach to dishwashing friendly (ask Chrissy, she will tell y'all, she was my roomie).

 

All in all, I might be addicted.

Thoughts on Miss California

Sooo, Perez Hilton asked a bitchy tough question this weekend at Miss America.  And we are surprised because..?  Did we not know that Perez Hilton was bitchy?  Yeah he asked about gay marriage.  It was a political question, so were some other questions asked.  Miss California answered marriage is between a man and a woman, and Perez Hilton is very open about how he graded her down for it.  This was all over the Today show this morning.

 

They were asking is it ok that Miss America is judged on questions like politics and morality that may be subjective?  I think a better question is, is it okay that she is also subjectively judged by how good she looks in formal wear or a bathing suit (or activewear or whatever bs it is now)?  I think there is nothing wrong with that question.  Miss California seemed to think it not ok that that was why she lost.  Ummm, did she not know who Perez Hilton was?  Did she not know that gays like pageants?  From her answer and her interview, she is a self-identifying Christian of the big yes on Prop 8 variety.  You know the smug God Hates fags, Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve variety.  She stands by her answer (and her God).  Which if she is going to have convictions, she should stand by them even if I think her convictions are bigotry.  But I also think she ought best not be on the Today show bitching about losing.  She knows that answer cost her the crown (or likely did) no one will directly say at camp Miss America, but she also says even if she knew that she would say the same thing.  Well Whoop de doo, then you don't get to bitch about losing.  Like pick one.  Either be a champ for sticking to your bigot guns or or be miss america, but no whining about not getting to be both.  Also, maybe try being a little less of a bigot.  Its fun, ask Perez Hilton.

 

Now I don't know how all my readers feel about gay marriage, but I am all for it.  If individual churches do not choose to consecrate gay vows, well cool that is their right, and I could see where it would be at odds with their foundation or beliefs (kind of like science).  I may not choose to join them, but they are probably fine with that anyway.  I am all for freedom of religion.  Just like I am against tyranny of religion.  This religion has no business in my state affairs.  Quite frankly I feel that a civil marriage is a legal contract not a sacred consecration (thus it is called civil and not like holy or something), and by therefore any two legal adults should be free to enter into it and receive the same protections from the state as any other two legal adults.  The Catholics already kind of get this.  They don't consider a civil marriage to be the same as a church one.  And they need the marriage to be blessed by God and the church to really count.  Umm, other churches welcome aboard this train of thought.  Give civil marriage to everyone or to no one.  Let the churches keep their sacraments out of my government.

 

 

Suggestilbe illness

After Saturday night out with the parents, Sam and his mom were both very sick all day Sunday.  Sam is still feeling awful, not sure about his mom, but I feel fine and so does Sam's dad.  I still feel fine here at work.  Last night I was getting phantom stomach pains, or rather I was convinced any sort of any feeling near my stomach was pain that was the beginnings of what Sam had.  But I was also fairly certain they were not actual pains.  I think part of me just wanted a really good excuse for a sick day.  If I were less totally lazy, it would be awesome to work from home.  However I am realistic about  myself enough to know that working from home would equal not working while at home.  I doubt that is sustainable business model.  Although I do have daydreams where I became a "succesful" romance novel author where I work like 4 hours a day four or five days a week and make enough to not do any other work.  I don't even think I would need to be rich just making what I do now or a little more. 

 

I suppose that if I really think I could make a go at that I should get serious about writing a novel or two.  Right now that business is booming, and they are a business always on the hunt for new authors.  Maybe I should see if I could get one written by my birthday.  Even if it is bad, I could say I wrote a novel before my 30th birthday.  This is a good plan, now I must work on being committed enough to said plan to see it through.  I could start with my Jamie/Paul prototype chapter teaser.

Parents in town (not mine)

Sam's. I went out to lunch with his mom and we hit up the Art Institute's student art show. I didn't buy anything, but probably will try to buy from a jewelry maker I found there in the future (her stuff alone may make me pierce my ears, it is that cool). I would post a link, but I can't find her card offhand.

Then all parents and boyfriend went out to a French bistro for dinner where I had amzing sweetbreads and grilled veggies with cream chive sauce (yummy glands and pancreas!!!) and chocolate mousse with chocolate sauce. After that we saw a set of Monty Alexander at the jazz showcase where the highlight was his trio covering "No Woman, No Cry." Yeah that is right a jazz trio covering some Bob Marley (and Alexander himself is a pianist, so it was a very piano forward cover and totally available on itunes). The best part was, Sam's dad and I both immediately knew we knew it, then quickly knew it was a rock song and famous, then I knew it was Bob Marley, and he immediately knew it was no woman/no cry. Very fun table moment. Sam's mom thought he was a bit too much of a show off piano player, but the rest of us enjoyed it.

Today we did some errand running with his mom. Then we were going to go to restaurant for dinner that we fortuitously discovered was closed before we went there, and we are now waiting for time to leave for our reservation at the Jean Georges Restaurant Vong's Thai Kitchen (yummy tea and noodle dishes await). Then 12th Night at Chicago Shakes.

Pain in my neck

Literally. I have one which I believe to be caused by sitting to much in one position that is bad for it. So. . . I am sitting with my feet flat on the floor, instead of crossed one over the other. I have put my seat and my monitor screen at appropriate Alexander Technique-y heights, and I have tilted the seat to ensure best possible alignment. Next stop lumbar support also massage, sigh I wish. I need to figure out a way to get my insurance to pay for that, also a chiropractor, well at least one of them.

Oh, and hourly get up and move it abouts. But today's real solution may be a shorter day. Going home a bit early to stretch and roll around on the floor in yoga clothes, maybe NIA it up a bit.

Also, Sam's parents get into town tonight. Tomorrow Sam's mom and I are doing lunch and some art. This weekend we will see a Twelfth Night with a huge ass swimming pool as a major part of its set or a high tech Tempest, it sort of depends on ticket availability and if I can get Luke Daigle to get us a discount on the Chicago Shakes tix.

LAUREN AND ZACK were mentioned on TBTL!!!

Because the Brooklyn Tens were having a party, and one of the hosts asked if they heard from Lauren and Zack, the Josts!  But they probably did not go out because Lauren has a bun in the third trimester of her oven.  But, clearly they are far more well known than I, but they went to prom.

 

This post will make no sense unless you are a hardcore ten like myself.

TBTL thanks Me!!!

For help with a segment on kanye west wanting to be a better person after being lampooned by southpark.  Anyway.  It made my rather crappy day better.  Crappy because people at work might need to occasionally give me all the information to deal with a sticky situation instead of just enough information to hang myself.  Awesome.  Only three more hours at work.

Brunch with Old People

That is actually listing in my google calendar for this weekend. Sam and I will be eating at a high rise apartment complex for senior living where Sam will play some paino for the oldies and their families, and I will sit by myself and enjoy Easter brunch. We know the head chef of the fine dining establishment on site at this complex, so that is how Sam got this gig and why we will be dining there free. I also may end up occastionally being a lectern at their church services (it is run by the Catholic church). But the listing cracks me up every single time.

Castle

I really, really enjoy the new Captian Tightpants show even if it has nothing to do with brownshirts or outerspace.  I am glad that Captain Tightpants is back, and he is so charming and wonderful on this show.  Plus I like the chick cop who is tough and yet not so hard ass as she wants to be portrayed.  They do the same old same old crime mystery thing and don't really add too much of a twist on that, but whatever I find formulaic mystery/crime tv really, really comforting even if it is bad.  I mean I enjoy it more when it is better, but I will still enjoy it bad.  It is like my tv Linus blanket.  Anyway, I think this is a good version of it on the sheer charming force of captain tightpant's personality.

 

I also am thouroughly enjoying the newest (now like 16 month old) Jennifer Weiner book Certain Girls.  Very cool, very interesting although I checked it out with the like girliest stack of books.  I got that (which was the least embarassing girly since it actually is a good smart book, but the other two were paperback Georgette Heyer's.  Paperback from when like Harlequinn romance was the only people publishing her in trashy bodice ripping covers (well not really because her books have no trashy, like the most that happens is at the end of the book the hero "embraces" the heroine).  Lately she has been reprinted in good nice copies (some in hardcover that I kind of want to own every single solitary one of because I love them, they make me happier when I open them, much like watching episodes of the West Wing).  Anyway, good books all.  Kind of embarrassing to have checked by the security guard at the door to the library.

Went to be early

Like before 9pm, and holy god did I need it.  I feel much more refreshed now.  Feeling more like I can conquer the world.  Ok, maybe just conquer my neighborhood or my building, we'll stick with that.

Ok, so no scavenger hunt. Most likely.

I mean clearly that was going to cost a lot of money, but I let the lowball "Starts at" price be what I visioned I wanted.  It is not.  It is not sufficient.  Sufficient party would require too much more money to happen.  So, yeah, unless I get inspired to write my own and stage it (ummm, probably not this summer), not happening.  Back to the 30 drawing board.

 

Any ideas?  May be medieval times.  Maybe something else.  I might need to see who plays taste of chicago...

I HAVE U2 TICKETS

Oh and Snow Patrol in Soldier Field to a concert I couldn't go to because I would be in Spokane, but they added and extra day and we will back from Spokane, so I can go!!!!  Summer of concerts!!!!  This and Elton John and Billy Joel face to face.  Plus weddings and bitch barn reunions.  BEST. SUMMER. EVER!  30th birthday notwithstanding (although may have an amazing race style birthday scavenger hunt so who knows that may totally rule as well).

Pillow Fight

I went to one yesterday in front of the Art Institute. It was public and about 40 people and very fun. A few hard whacks, but mostly just gentle giggly swats, but I had to cart my own pillow downtown and back. I highly reccomend pillow fights to all out there in the blogosphere.

Harry Potter Yo Mama Jokes

That is right.  They exist.  Here at the Nerdist.

 

"Yo mama so masculine she makes Dumbledore go DAH-YUM!"

 

and

 

"Yo mama so dumb she thinks Sirius Black is the soul station on sattellite radio"

 

Some of my faves because apparently I am some kind of bigot, or I like their jokes.

I don't have a toothbrush

Because last night Sam was cleaning up a mess in the bathroom and my toothbrush was on the side of the sink (which actually was kind of weird because usually it is put away), and he sprayed cleanser on it.  For you know, fresh comet-y breath or something.  Yeah.  It happened late last night, so that meant this morning, no toohbrush.  Used mouthwash but not quite good enough.  Sam is buying me a new one today.

 

 

The Fog Is Lifting

I feel much better, maybe it was rest or better food or doing things that make me happy, but I am feeling better.  Some people at work are being stupid which is not helping the feeling better entirely--mostly because I have been doing things on my own timeline and no one told me that a few things on my list they would prefer get done earlier rather than later which I totally would've done if anyone had said something because it is not like I am doing nothing over here people!  I just have a long list of things to do to recover from whole office spring cleaning.

 

But I feel like I am taking pleasure in things and not feeling clouded over, and that is good.  Getting out of the rut is good.

Captain Crankypants

That has been me lately.  I have just had the blues.  You know? 

 

I would say I am a generally laughy giggly person, and I had a great week last week, but sometime this weekend a fog rolled in.  And it has stayed.  I had to work over the weekend, maybe that was crappier than I thought.  I had a minor fight with Sam this weekend, but I feel it was a fight because I am in a funk and was spoiling for something, plus we resolved what it was about.

 

It is an especially thick funk fog because yesterday I could feel happy fun people at rehearsal doing and saying things that generally get me out of things like this, and I could feel this part of me really wanting to break out of my cloud and join them.  It wanted to laugh and smile and sing along loudly with the song on my ipod while I was walking, but the rest of me just clawed to it and wouldn't let it.

 

And the self-critic is out in full force, chastising specific behaviors and instances I cannot go back in time days, weeks, and months to fix.  And really, really harping on them and their specifics and making it easy to stay and dwell in this fog and I don't want to.  I want to lighten up, and for unexplicable reasons that is not happening.  Tonight I will go home and watch some Sports Night or West Wing, they usually make me happy or maybe I can convince Sam that we should go somewhere new and exciting.  I don't know where that would be, but maybe breaking out of the routine will help me break out of this fog as well.

Recessed

Yeah, so my life met the recession a little first hand last week or two week ago. My hours at work have been cut (and my pay too since I am hourly) to 35 hours a week, but the surprising thing is that I freaking LOVE it. My show is up and running and busy, busy. I get paid less but not CRAZY less, and since I had Sam's help in consolidating my credit card debt I am now paying it down faster AND have a savings account towards a rainy day.

Basically all it means is that I get paid a bit less but I get to go home earlier everyday. Or I can have a half day once a week and still go home early a couple of days. Plus I always take a for sure one hour lunch--sometimes meeting Sam for it. How can that be bad. It has made me a better employee because I have a reason to stay focused and a happier employee because I don't feel like the job is imprisoning me. Apparently all I needed to like my job was do the same job but for less hours a week. It was proposed to me as a temporary measure, but when the economy straightens itself back out and it can be time for me to go back to full time, I will probably ask to stay at 35 hours a week. I am just soooooooo much happier because of it.

Here's hoping this is all the recession/depression does to my life, and I hope it only touches all my readers out there in a similarly serendipitous way, if it has to touch them at all.

Everyone calm down

I found my cell phone, or the staff at Old Navy on State Street did, and I will pick it up later.  Sigh of relief.  Also will copy down all of the phone numbers into the interwebs.  Yea for Google docs!

I think I lost my cell phone.

It is for sure not in the house. It may be at old navy. It may be at nine west, and it may be somewhere else entirely. This totally sucks. Although it may be just the excuse I need to get the new purple phone that I want. We shall see.

On a kick in the kitchen

So last night I made pesto from scratch for dinner when Chris came over to just hang out and watch movies. Today I decided we should make cobbler and I just put into the oven a berry cobbler (where the berries get some punch from whiskey and lemon zest) from a recipie by Emeril. We also picked up some ginger flavored ice cream at the store that should taste awesome with this once we get around to eating it.

Sam helped slightly on each of these, but basically they were all me. I am quite the Suzy homemaker for the weekend.