Being a Grown up

I guess that that's what I am, or it is becoming more and more apparent that even if I have a Hello Kitty wallet, the ID inside it says I am 27. Face it, my high school 10-year reunion is this summer, and it has made me reflect upon several things.

Like the fact that it is unlikely that I will be married before I am 30. That is two and a half years away, and I have no marriage prospects--no matter how the current fantasy of me, Henry Rollins, and an Elvis impersonater in a chapel in Las Vegas plays out (still a fantasy and NOT reality).

The thing is, I don't feel like I am missing anything in my life. I don't feel like my single status makes me less of a person or even that it defines me in any sort of negative way. I like being just me. I like that I never have to consider other people when I make my plans. When I watch a movie, I never have to think will Joe-bob (or other hypothetical significant other's name here) be upset that I saw "The Departed" without him? I can just go out on the spur of the moment and meet friends and never have to worry that I am interfering with someone else's plans for 'our' night. My life is entirely my own, and I like it that way, and I like my life.

But I have no context with which to discuss my life with my family. I don't have a career. I have a job which I keep saying I will change but I never do anything to change. I am not even pursuing my "passion" (in quotes since I have not felt very passionate about it in a while); I don't even go see theatre anymore. I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't have dates, and I am not doing anything about that since I mostly don't care. (Note, I say mostly don't care because 95% of the time the only thing I really miss about not being in a relationship is the fact that when you are in a relationship you can generally count on getting laid on a very regular basis--when single much more work is involved in getting laid each individual time). My family understands pursuing careers and husbands and children, but they don't understand just hanging out or living life. They can forgive it for a few years because I am the artistic, eccentric one, but they still ask me if I am seeing someone or when I am going to get a serious job (although they generally phrase that one something like, "Wouldn't you like a more regular job that maybe paid a little better?"). My answers baffle them. They can't understand why I don't look for a man or a career or both, and it often makes me feel like I should be looking for those things or like there is something wrong with me for not being interested in those things.

Is there something wrong with me? I don't think that there is. But if I had told 16-year-old me that there was no way I would be married at 30, 16-year-old me would've been appalled. How could I never have met someone by 30? What the hell happened to me?

Nothing happened to me. Or nothing bad, I guess lots happened to me. I have met several someones. Many of them very nice, but none of them for me or not for me forever. Even the love of my life (so far) wasn't someone I could see myself marrying. Yes, for a while, I did see myself ending up with Patrick, but I think that was part 16-year-old me seizing her last chance to nest and part me being high on falling for someone and coming out of a depression all at once (so the run of the mill falling for someone new felt more significant in contrast to the feeling like crap while I was depressed). I still think I am a perfectly nice person. I am intelligent, pretty, funny, quirky, and obviously not humble in any way.

I am a catch, but I don't think I am for everyone. I recognize that I tend to freak people (men) out. I am a little more then most of them bargain for, and I would rather be alone then with someone I have to gentle my image up for. That's why I probably won't be married at 30 and may not be married ever. But that isn't cause for alarm. I like my solitary life, and I wouldn't trade it for an unsatisfactory partner or even a satisfactory partner. I am a special case, and I want someone special. If a good man is hard to find, I imagine a special one may never be found, but that is okay. I can be just me forever. I know I like it. Unless Henry Rollins wants to give me a call. He seems like a special case.