Patterns

I have been finding them in things that had formerly seemed not at all my fault, nothing to do with ME, I just stumbled into them. Well, turns out if I stretch the window I am looking at out just a little bit, there is more of a pattern then I thought. I seem to like brashness that is really not much more then a thin veneer over "I don't know what the heck I am doing, but grasping at any straw that comes my way might be a good way to sum this up."

Why would I seek this out, is my new question. Do I like feeling smugly superior in a, "Yes I may be a mess but not quite as big a mess as this guy I am standing next to," sort of way? Do I have a hero complex heretofore unoticed by myself? I don't necessarily think I am one to look for or latch onto the easy answers (at least not at this stage in my life), but yet I end up with (or chasing after) guys who do. In fact, in my dating history (or would-be dating history) I am a little hard pressed to find someone who doesn't fall squarely in this category (except maybe one boyfriend way back in undergrad who I dated for like 5 minutes).

Sometimes the answers they find freak me the fuck out--see all things related to the great sad heap I became after Jesus boy dumped me for aforementioned Jesus. That was all kinds of smarting from serious betrayal--or at least that is how I felt, seriously betrayed, like he was all sneaky in falling for fundamentalist Christianity.

I have been contemplating this pattern for a few days now and the possible implications it has for me, and I have come up with a whole lot (I am really good at overanalyzing things like this), but nothing I have come up with has been very illuminating or satisfying. It just leads me to more thinking and mulling.