The Universe Gave Me Flowers

No really, it did.

There is this funky, seemingly found object vase at pier one that is bright turquoise and I have wanted for a while, and I always wanted a few stems of peonies (bright red) to put in it. However the vase is $30 and the peonies are $5 a stem, so it just was too expensive, and I never bought any of the pieces. Yesterday, they both went 50% off, and I get my discount on top of that, so the ended up being about $22, and yesterday our store finally got the pier one bucks (gift certificates to the store) that we won last month. I got $21. The universe gave me flowers.

Also, I got an important update on my auto insurance in the mail today. I think that perhaps the insurance company that sent it to me needs an important update--I don't have a car.

Sleepy

Must have sleep soon. Too tired from having too much fun and seeing too many people. Also must rest up for babysitting and second truck on Friday. So tired.

My friends are growing up, so maybe I am too

Seeing everyone this weekend was a pretty powerful thing. It was wonderful, and with such a gap between actual conversations with them they had all grown up a lot. Before we were like training wheel adults, but the people I saw this weekend were for real, fully actualized, grown-ups. I didn't know we could do that. It was fantastic, and I am so glad I went.

Also, I will be house managing (kind-of) for the company that did the show I loved a few weeks ago in order for the director to see it one last time. Anyway, hopefully this will be a good connection to build. We shall see. I better go downstairs and buy food before the little store closes.

So tired

I could sleep for a week, but that isn't actually going to happen because I am working for the next ten straight days, and then I go to Pennsylvania.

Seriously seeing all of my wonderful friends this weekend was fabulous, and I am soooooo glad that I got to go and that I went. I plan to be at Jim's wedding in July too. Speaking of, it wes nice to meet the new types too (Mandy and Amy).

Plus, I got home to an email from the director of the best play I have seen in Chicago. He was wondering if I wanted to or could help house manage this weekend (going to try). Also, he was extending info about his auditions next time. So that is cool.

Now here is to watching season finales!!!!

In honor of Mother's Day

And in honor of my mother (inspired by Kevin Smith's--yes, that Kevin Smith--blog which totally rules), I would like to make this blog a list of things she has taught me.

How to make the world's most amazing chocolate chip cookies from memory.

That it is valid to speak your mind always because no one can take your opinion or point of view away from you, nor should they.

How to sew like a bad ass.

That family is family, and you love them no matter what, and you do for them no matter what, and they don't have to share your DNA or your blood to be family.

How to drive (which would explain a lot to the friends who complain of my driving).

To try to find the good (or at least the thing that will help you grow) in everything.

That a great fit is important whether clothes cost $500 or 5 cents.

That quality is always better then quantity, especially in relationships.

To look at the practical side of things (dad gets an honorable mention here too).

To enjoy your friends.

But beyond what she has taught me, I must thank her most of all for always supporting me even if she had no idea what I was doing or what she was supporting.

I hate rain

It is cold and rainy today in Chicago, and this post will be short.

Saw big long two Shakespeare plays last night. Two in a row, both Henry IV's. OMG!!!!! Roger Ebert was in the audience with me, no sign of thumbs after either show.

Going out with Emily and Holly. YEA!

Have no idea how I will get all things done before leaving for trip. May never sleep again.

Work 7+ hours before my lunch break today, of an eight and a half hour shift (the half hour being the lunch break). Was not as bad as it sounded.

Will see many of you in KC in two days!!!!!!

Things that rule

Brian Turpin
My Boss
Wendy's chicken nuggets and french fries
Frosty with bits of Butterfinger in it
Getting home in time for American Idol and going to the library first

Here's why:

Brian Turpin has gotten me a comp ticket to go see BOTH PARTS of Henry VI at Chicago Shakes!!!! FOR FREE!!! Uh-huh, uh-huh. That rules most certainly (however am babysitting in afternoon, so may not get to go which kind of sucks).

My Boss let me off work 45ish minutes early, so I got to go to the library way before it closed instead of maybe just as it was closing. I got 3 Jasper Fforde novels, and a Georgette Heyer for the trip to St. Louis, and got home in time to see American Idol.

Wendy's is just good.

Again, good with Wendy's and frosty's.

I got home just in time to see it. Oh yeah. Also, on the way home I saw the best bumper sticker ever!!! It read "Frodo Failed. Bush has the ring."

That is all I leave you with today.

Reflecting on Jesus

Jesus-boy that is. Reflecting on the fact that that is the longest relationship I have ever been in. That was my high water mark, my endurance point. Seriously? I look around and see all my friends in relationships (marriages and not, going to be marriages and not), and I think why can't I do that? A couple of months seems to be all I have in me (whether I am the one ending the relationship or on the receiving end of that).

What am I missing? What day of life did I sleep through? Even my grown-up relationships can't stay the course. How did the long term one come from the guy who I thought was kind of dumb but really too pretty to turn down when he was being so persistent, so I let him go out on a date with me. And then another and then another and so on until we were in a relationship, and that lasted a year and a month. WTF? There was no future in me and Jesus-boy (although if there were I would totally be running one of his dad's hotels right now).

Thank you CJ Cregg for sending me wondering in this direction. What would have done with tonight if I didn't have this to dwell on?

Okay, fuck all tv people except CJ Cregg

She does relationships like real people with crying and yelling and having no idea what the fuck to do, so don't fuck her. She's fine. Her relationships only get straightened out by writers who are being nice to long term fans in the final episodes of the whole series after she has screwed things up for eight years. That's more like it.

Also, upon reflection, I may actually be that scary.

Sorry about the crazy post-happy this weekend. I swear I will not be quite so every five minutes as my life gets back to busy this week--especially with using my days off to go to KC.

Fuck tv people!

Fuck them, seriously. TV people both cutely and upfrontly admit that they are scary and damaged, and that means the way is paved for smooth starting of new relationship.

Well, if only I had know it was that easy!

I am scary, and I am damaged, and I don't think I particularly try to hide either of those (beyond the measures of general politeness and sometimes not even then). I mostly feel the scary is right on out there, all of the time (and therefore so is the damage--the scary being a direct result of years of damage starting way, way back in the childhood), and yet this doesn't seem to draw men or relationships to me. In fact, I was under the impression that it seemed to do the opposite (some of you reading this remember the days when I theorized that I in fact repelled men--and had good evidence to back this theory up). Also I have found that listing the general damage or scary doesn't work as nicely as it did for Chris O'Donnell. So, fuck tv people. Fuck them, seriously.

Post will be short

Grey's Anatomy on first c break. Cannot believe Callie just peed half-naked in front of Meredith. Awesome!!!

Umm, so sinuses are no cool, and hopefully claritin will make it better. Also, I will be in KC this time next week. And, I won a candle at work. Woo hoo!!!

Brian Bush

So, I had my audition, and it went well-ish (I think), and Brian was there. Well, not really (but he had met the director who was auditioning me the night before so I ended up talking about him at my audition).

Basically, the room was small and concrete, and I am really, really loud. Who knows if I was even in any way intelligible. The pieces were fine--made the director laugh at the funny one and the Romeo and Juliet one was pretty good and made more interesting by the fact that I basically had to whisper it to not reverberate in the room (damn, did I never realize just how I loud I am). Then there was the talking part where I found out he was from Western Washington and had been a student of Nike's (a professor of mine from grad school), and we bonded over Washington a little and then enter Brian Bush. Anyway, I have no idea if I will get it or not, but I survived and it was easier then I thought it would be. Enter more auditioning for Heather.

Movies, moving, friends, and an audition

Yea for Netflix. Five at a time may be just the perfect mass for post-boyfriend me (not, hopefully post boyfriend for my entire life but you know just currently post most immediate boyfriend). I am very movie happy currently.

Moving is hard, especially when it is only three girls moving heavy shit three doors down in the alley. My forearms hurt like a bitch!!! And I get to do it again tomorrow/later on today (technically since it is Saturday already).

My friends here rule, and I realize that more and more every time I see them or hang out with them. Also all of us need to remind Renee to stay strong and harass Janna about a boy. I know many of you who read this don't really know what I am talking about (but Renee and Janna are the future roomies).

I am kind of freaked out/scared to death/little bit crazy about the upcoming audition. The goal is to remember to breathe. All night and all day tomorrow with the breathing. Oh shit.

Also happy cinco de mayo.

Why do I want to spend my days off on the couch

I have tons to do today, and I just want to watch Netflix on the couch. Moonlight Mile right now, then maybe some children of God and then maybe some MI5, but I have laundry to do, phone calls to make, and I need to ensure I don't suck at my audition this weekend. So what am I doing? Sitting on the couch. That's right. And still in my jammie.

AUGH!

I freaking missed American Idol tonight!!! I even took the time to set up the tape and everything. I think it is possible that my roommate may have watched tv after I left for work and before AI and Hous e (which I also missed). That totally blows!

I know, I know two long posts in one day.

Yeah, I am a bit much lately, but I have had so much to think about and so much more time to internet that it happens. When I start babysitting, I am sure that these will get shorter and maybe happen a little less frequently.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about was how the musical Company sort of fell back ito my lap this past week, and I vaguely knew and had heard some of the music (since I have always been a Sondheim fan), but it seems to have shown up to help me (or at least give me perspective). Now I have never seen it (only heard the music), but it seems to be about people and love and relationships (I know, isn't everything?). Particularly, there is a character named Robert (Bobby) who seems to share with Patrick a reluctance to serious relationships (not to say that I think they are the same since I only know the songs in the musical). Robert sings a song called "Being Alive" that I can't seem to get out of my head, and the lyrics themselves seem important to me at this moment, like I had needed to find them.

Now, I wasn't sure if I should write about this and my feeling about it here in such a public venue, or if I should just have kept in my own paper journal at home, but as this has continued to almost haunt me, even after I wrote about it, I decided I should just fuck it, and put it all out there. Besides, if I change my mind I can always delete this post, right? So, here goes.

I have been torn between reacting to this break-up by crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and just staying there (for days or weeks if I could get away with it) or by just walking away from it completely with no ties--severing any emotional connection that I can, killing the last vestiges of love that remain. Neither has seemed the best option, or even a doable option for me. I also feel like I don't ever want to try this again. I don't like being left hanging or playing the fool for 'backing the wrong horse' if you will, so part of me wants to just give up entirely (and I realize that I am not the first or the last person to think these thoughts when left alone to think after a break-up). The song "Being Alive" has made me think about what I have done and am doing right in the me-Patrick saga and it' aftermath, and I think it has sort of a way to aspire to. This song gets it right, or what I think is right from where I am standing today, so I include the lyrics here.

FRIENDS [frantically]:
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby baby...
Bobby bubbi...Robby...Robert darling...
Bobby, we've been trying to call you.
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby baby...Bobby bubbi...
Angel, I've got something to tell you.
Bob...Robbo...Bobby love...Bobby honey...
Bobby, we've been trying to reach you all day.
Bobby...Bobby...Bobby Baby...Angel...Darling...
The kids were asking--
Bobby...Bobby...Robert...Robby...Bob-o...
Bobby, there was something we wanted to say.
The line was busy...
Bobby...Bobby bubbi...
Bobby fella...Bobby sweetie--

ROBERT [speaking]: Stop!...What do you get? [Sings]
Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.

PAUL: That's true, but there's more to it than that.
SARAH: Is that all you think there is to it?
HARRY: You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but
Robert,
you haven't got one good reason for being alone.
LARRY: Come on, you're on to something, Bobby. You're on to something.

ROBERT:
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

DAVID: You see what you look for, you know.
JOANNE: You're not a kid anymore, Robby. I don't think you'll ever
be a kid again, kiddo.
PETER: Hey, buddy, don't be afraid it won't be perfect. The only thing
to be afraid of really is that it won't be.
JENNY: Don't stop now. Keep going.

ROBERT:
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

SUSAN: And what does all that mean?
LARRY: Robert, how do you know so much about it when you've never
been there?
HARRY: It's much better living it than looking at it, Robert.
PETER: Add 'em up, Bobby. Add 'em up.

ROBERT:
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

AMY: Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish. *Want* something!
Want *something*!

ROBERT:
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!

What is up with my taste?

Seriously, when did I become this person I am now? I used to be perfectly happy to be single all the time (because, let's face it, I was single ALL the time--whatever, who was I going to be with in Idaho or in Pasco?). I date one great guy (who turns out not to run the course as I had hoped), and all of a sudden I can't handle the single life (which had kind of been my niche).

Admittedly, I did just break up with Patrick, so perhaps I will snap back into singleness sometime in the nearish future, but I feel like my psyche has betrayed me or something. She used to be on my team, but now she is on someone else's team--like she has been hanging out with my mom and grandma and their friends, and she (psyche) can't wait to marry me off. When did this happen? Six months ago I was not this girl. Where did she come from? Can I send her back?

So, in connection with the new psyche, what are my favorite shows on tv right now? Well (other then Grey's Anatomy) they are "What About Brian?" and "How I Met Your Mother" which are basically the drama and comedy versions of eachother The story is about a group of friends in their late 20's to mid 30's. In Brian, everyone is paired up except Brian a smart, funny, tv perfect kind of guy who can't seem to get himself the right girl. In Mother, there is the couple, the single career babe, the asshole womanizer (Doogie Howser being freaking hilarious), and Ted the smart, funny, tv perfect kind of guy who wants to get married but can't seem to get himself the right girl. Frankly, they are the kind of characters (Brian and Ted) that make real people's lives miserable because you never seem to meet them in real life (or you think you do but are proven wrong because that's how real life differs from TV and movies). Anyway, that is what I toture myself with lately. Thanks psyche, thanks for everything.

Also, Brian Bush and I saw the best play the other night. I rank it right up there with 98 Midsummer at OSF and Imago's Frogs as some of the most magical theatre I have ever seen. It is called Dustbowl Gothic, and I highly, highly reccommend it, so if you are in Chicago, go see it. It's at the building stage (see their website ), and I don't know how to explain it except to say that it is magical and touching and the more Bushie and I talked about it, the more we loved it and the more we got out of it. Speaking of theatre, I have an audition Saturday which means I should get off this computer and get my ass ready!

Great Friends

I love my Chicago girlfriends!!! They are awesome, and I should spend more time with them because my life is better when we are together. We went out to our favorite punk bar tonight and had a few beers and a ton of laughs. It ruled (even if my throat is now sore from the yelling you do in bars and smokiness).

Also, I am kind of amazed that they all read my blog. I guess a lot of people read this on a regular basis. The three of them, and then Robyn and Jim and Margaret all regularly comment, and Holly and Jenny read this too. Patrick used to read it and still might for all I know. I write in it with basically the assumption that no one really reads it, so it gets kind of confessional. Lots of the things I put in it used to go in my journal which now only really gets the stuff that I want to keep absolutely private. Blogging is weird. I just never dreamed that people find what I have to say interesting enough to read it on a regular basis. Plus, when I go for days without a comment I guess I jut assume no one is paying attention (although I read Jim and Margaret and Robyn and everyone else I know who has a blogs' blogs everyday--or chck them anyway--and I only rarely comment, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they/you don't comment all the time either). That's cool. I am flattered by that. Thanks guys.

I got a new gig

I guess it is another gig. I will still be Pier One-ing it, but now I will baby sit a 27 month old and a 7 month old. I think it will be cool. The kids seem wonderful. The parents seem very nice, earnest types--a little high strung, but they are trusting me with their kids for like whole days at a time, so what do I really expect? Anyway, I hope this works out.

Ummm, so I have been thinking of turning some of my more rageful and or pathetic inner monologues (the ones that have been plaguing me lately since the boy left) into actual monologues of the outer variety that potentially could be a play or an audition piece or something (or just more healing then keeping them in). Anyway, I thought about posting them here for people to read, but that seemed too much, but I am interested in sharing them, so if you are interested in reading them either email me or friendster or my space message me and I will send them out as I get them done. Jimmers, you already expressed interest in my memoiry stuff, so I will for sure shoot them at you. Please feel free to comment on them, even if they are sort of raw experiences for me--just know I may not read the criticism right away, but I will want it for the future if I ever put these things to use.

That's all I got today. I talked to my mom last night, but only briefly because they had some sort of garage door opener emergency like it turned into a monster and was attacking the car or falling off the ceiling or something. Anyway, she had to get off the phone and help my dad. She might call me later tonight.

Was going to be an interesting post

It was going to be one about how I met a potential employer (babysitting a couple of days a week) and what we talked about and whatever, only she flaked and forgot the meeting. Kind of crappy since Bucktown is sort of a long bus ride away from my house, but whatever. This seems like just the sort of second job I need right now (since the lotto isn't panning out for me, haha), but of course it can't happen easily. Not in my life right now.

Anyway tomorrow I meet her, the kids, and the husband, and we shall see how it all goes. Hopefully the two little ones are nice, and she sounds great. Plus this is the kind of side job that doesn't involve contracts or paperwork which is extra great, if I get it that is.

Still haven't talked to my mom. Hopefully we will catch up tonight before I get to bed. We shall see. I am far more rational today then I have been recently.

I lost my lotto ticket

I bought one thinking that if nothing is going well in my life something ought to, and the lottery would be a nice thing to go right. $20 million dollars would rule, but so would enough to eliminate my credit card debt or my student loans or both, and now I can't find the ticket which of course means it will win. Hopefully I will find it whether I win or not (my avid fantasy day-dream life doesn't need any more fodder).

I am going to buy one again for Friday too I think. Why not? It is a buck, and I would be psyched to win just twenty dollars right now, I am that kind of poor.

Being Nice to my mom

That is my plan for talking to her on the phone. She called me today while I was at work and left a message, and she had totally talked to my sister before she did. Many, many times she told me she had been thinking about me and praying about me.

Sidebar, it weirds me out when my mom talks about praying for me because I feel like she rarely seems like a religious or spiritual person (there is no vibe like that off of her in everyday life), and then she tells you that she is praing for you, and that is hard to believe because it just comes out of nowhere.

Anyway, I want to not get hysterical or defensive on her from the start. If she is going to show up and be there for me, I want to be gracious in accepting that support as it is and not hold anything against her because I feel it showed up to late.

On a different note, today started as a really wonderful day. Last night I did some NIA with the focus of healing, and it really brought me to a nice place of calm and peace, and for the first time since Patrick I felt like I had worth and fullness where there had been gaping emptiness. That fullness was me. But tonight is a diferent story, I am crying again. I wish that I wasn't.

Pissed

That's me right now pissed! In descending order I am pissed with my mom, Patrick, and my sister, and all of it really is Patrick's fault. He broke up with, so I had to tell my family--I kind of put my sister to do it since she lives with my parents and she was the only one answering the phone on Easter. However, last Monday I called my mom to tell her since she had left me an irrepressibly perky message on my answering machine (just what I had wanted).

Anyway, I ended up leaving a message on her machine saying that Patrick and I broke up, and that she should call me soon. That was Monday. It is now Sunday. Have I heard from my mother? Ahhhh, no. No I have not. WTF?!! She is my mom, and now that I am 26 there isn't a whole lot left for her to do in that capacity, however the main job left is to be a shoulder to cry on when my life is sucky. That would be now. My life is sucky now. The man that I love broke up with me, and it hurt a lot, and she is supposed to be there for me, and she didn't fucking call me back.

Admittedly, I might be more pissed at her then I ought to be as a nice change at being pissed at Patrick and/or being a terrible puddle of tears because I miss him so much. I realize my mother may be catching some misdirected feelings, but at the same time I think I am legitimately pissed at my mother.

Then enters my sister into the predicament. I called her the other night to bitch about my mother, but she only called me back this morning. Guess what she did? That's right she fucking defended my mother!!!! She had some valid points. Point A is maybe my mom hasn't checked her messages for a week, but that just makes her careless, and you shouldn't get a free pass for that one. Point B is maybe she thinks I am overreacting since I tend to be 'melodramatic' or 'overdramatic' over little things. However, I feel being dumped by the man you love would quite obviously fit into the actual serious event category and not the hysterical for no good reason category, and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see the distinction there. Sucking at being my mother is again something that shouldn't let you off the hook. Point C (my favorite) is that maybe she was distracted when she listened to her messages and didn't hear the part about me being broken hearted. Here is the killer, fucking ignoring me or really not listening to me; not a good way to be there for me. Not a good way for my sister to convince me that maybe mom isn't doing this maliciously to me. I didn't think she was, but I do think she is falling down on the job of being my mother.

That's why I am pissed at her and my sister. All I need is a mom who will tell me (even if I think it is a lie or empty fucking words) that everything will be okay. A mom who will offer to send me cookies in the mail or something else simple yet significant in their meaning, their attempt at consolation. All I need is a sister who will be on my side. I am not saying I am not irrational at this moment or even overdramatic, but I got a dumped 9 days ago. I have had 9 days of being heartbroken, and I think that means I still get to be pissed and hurt without yet being pathetic especially to my family. I don't think that is too much to ask.

God dammnit! I hate this. I want things to start getting better, something, anything. Please? I just want it to be better or at least improving. I just want some improvement. That's all I want.

Doubt

I am at that point in post-break up fallout where I am questioning everything I know to be true. Since the relationship I was so sure of wasn't sure at all, maybe other things I am sure of are faulty as well. I am not really in any kind of position to talk myself out of this. I am confused, and I am flummoxed by love, by jobs, by practically everything, so it is easy to think that I am wrong and have always been so and have just been convincing myself otherwise with no substance behind it.

I guess I just really need something to go right. I need a little hope or a little magic or something. I need some faith, either of my own or of people in me. Actually, in order for me to believe it, I probably need a whole lot of faith in me from others--to counteract the nauseating doubt.

This is such a very depressing entry, and I don't feel like I am quite this depressed (or depressing) to the people I am around a lot. At least, I hope I am not, but when I am alone that is when my thoughts are left to their own devices and their devices haven't been very much fun for me since Patrick left.

Just FYI

Hey, those of you who read this but aren't blogspot blogger types, I have recently changed the comment section so that anonymous comments will be accepted. Anyway, so feel free to comment, but please leave me like your name or initials so I know who it is.

Head under the covers

I just want to spend the rest of my week in my bed with my head under the covers. I can pull my laptop in there and watch long sad movies or just sappy ones (Gone With the Wind, The Titanic, Pearl Harbor, Pride and Pejudice--yeah the two middle ones suck hard but who cares, they invite crying jags). I could play some roller coaster tycoon or the sims and forget about the world. In the Sims I could actually create a better world where my house rules, my life rules, my job rules (or I am independently wealthy), and I have a fabulous boyfriend or husband--all I need is a couple of hours and a cheat code, and I don't even have to leave my bed! If only my life could be so easily fixed.

Monday the Fire Department, today the police

Ok, so we didn't call the police today; we just talked to one when she came into the store to shop as we were trying to solve the problem. What problem?

A man brought to our attention that on the street side of our store here was a dog locked in a pick-up truck without the windows cracked. It wasn't a super hot day, but it was warm enough to worry about it. However, the man himself could do nothing but bring it to our attention since he was deaf and unable to speak. He wrote this down. My manager Liz and I had no idea what to do. I thought about calling animal control or an animal center, but I didn't think this was the job for the same people who kill rats and pick up stray dogs. Just then the policewoman came in, and she called animal control. However, all they could do was come by and put a notice on the car window. They couldn't break in. Good news, the dog was alive and moving the last time we checked on him out our window, and then the truck was gone.

Seriously, what next? Is a circus going to come into our store?

First things first

Yesterday at work we called 911, but it wasn't exciting. A mentally challenged adult collapsed outside the store for a moment, and then came inside and had some water and sat down until the EMT's came for him. I forgot to tell that story yesterday.

Today (this is angry ranting) I was told to not sit on the floor while I put together a stool. This stool does not even come to my knee in heighth which means while screwing the screws in I had to lean over that much. This was bullshit! I sit on the floor at work frequently but not inappropriately. Sometimes that is the only way you can put glasses away or get them out (we have shelves that low), and it is often the best (or at least the most comfortable by a significant margain) way to put things together. When I am doing those things, that is what I do. I can't kneel very long with my but on my heels because I have flat feet and they cramp really badly when bent that way. Sitting crosslegged is the only way I can do it. Also, for real what the FUCK is wrong with sitting?!!! Only for a few minutes and while not neglecting my work, I ask you? Uhh!

I feel rather befuddled with life lately. I generally feel like I am a fairly intelligent person, but life seems to just get me. Why can't I seem to figure out the regular things in life, like finding a decent job? Finding a career at 26 with a Master's degree shouldn't be this hard, should it? I was going to include relationships in there with regular things, but very few people I know are actually any good at figuring that one out, so that one isn't just me I don't think.

Another Day

I feel like I had been doing so good this weekend. I was strong, and I was coping, and then. . .

I kind of went back into mourning last night, and I have to say that this is hard. It is hard feeling like this and knowing that there is nothing you can do to make yourself feel better or make the situation better or fix anything or really do anything at all. It sucks.

Not that I want to give anyone the impression that I am some ball of mush on the couch or anything. I am going out with friends tonight and trying to keep busy and give my life some sort of structure and focus (to keep my mind occupied). Anyway, I will get through it. I will get by. I just miss Patrick. I really do.

So, it's official

Patrick and I are through. We broke up on the holiday I will now refer to as "Not-so-Good Friday." I am doing much better this time around because I feel like I know what happened, why it happened, and that I had a say in the matter. I wish that it could have worked out, but it can't, so I will just get on with life.

I am still going to be his friend, at least I would like to be, but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. I will try because I still would like to have him in my life.

I don't really feel like airing it all out on the internet right now, so that is all for today.

Procrastination

I am doing my taxes right now. Yes, I know. I know. BTW, taxes are not fun--although I am poor enough to get online help for free.

Blech!!!

I hate doing dishes--hate, hate, hate it!!!! Next year I will live in a place with a dishawasher, and that will be better.

Which, btw, means that my friends and I found an apartment for three that is in a cooler and closer to the loop neighborhood then I live at right now. It is even fairly close to Patrick--although by the time I live there he will live somewhere else, so I just hope that wherever he moves it is easy to get to from my new apartment. That was convoluted, but what do you expect? Seriously, guys.

Also, sort of invited myself to a Patrick family affair (I know Margaret I seem to be good at that a lot lately). It seemed like we were working toward that part of the conversation where he was going to ask me home to meet his family and me being the bull in the china shop I am just crashed right on past without being invited. Whoops. I don't think he minded though.

Everyone should go see the movie "Thank You for Smoking" because it is hilarious.

Nice day, nice wekend, nice sister

So this weekend I met Patrick's sister, and she was awesome!! She was really fun and funny and smart and likes some of the same things I do--definitely felt like I would like her even if she wasn't related to someone I loved. She seemed to like me as well--she said I was 'adorable' so it looks like I passed that test.

We also went to the zoo which was tons of fun for me. We got up close and personal with a bear (who was lying on the other side of the glass cage wall), and saw all manner of animals (and a one legged bird). It was cool.

Then today we went to the Museum of Contemporary Art and saw some Andy Warhols (which are way powerful in person, expecially considering they are relatively simple in composition) and some Calder mobiles (which Emily Gann-Korff made move by blowing air onto them using magazines) which were really cool being as elaborate and stark as they are. We also saw this Jeff Koons piece which was a little one person inflatable row boat cast in bronze. Get it, a boat cast in bronze! I thought that was hysterical. We aslo just hung out and had a great day. I really love that the man I love and my best friend are friends in their own right. It makes me very happy.

Other then that not too much to say. I watched some American Idol, and mostly enjoyed some people on it. I kind of hate Ace and Kelly Pickler. I harassed Patrick for having a crush on Katherine MacPhee, but I was just kidding.

OH! I almost forgot, on our way downtown Patrick and I walked toward a bus stop and all of a sudden he freaked out a little bit and turned me down a street the complete wrong direction. He did this because the ex-girlfriend was waiting at that bus stop, and he did not think it would be very fun for all of us to wait for the bus there together. Although, he is pretty sure she saw us turn and walk up the street the other way. I mostly thought it was funny. It was funny, and not awful since we didn't have to wait for the bus with her--or even worse, we could've gotten on at a stop before that bus stop (beacause Patrick lives about half way in between the two of them) and then rode the same bus with her downtown. Ick! Anyway, I am mostly bugged that I didn't get a good look at her because I have no idea what she looks like and the sick part of my brain wants me to empirically know if I am prettier then her or skinnier then her and all that sort of thing. I am strangely a little jealous of her, and I am not sure why because Patrick is with me, and he loves me, and I know that I have nothing to worry about from her. Whatever, that just provs I am still a girl.

More 5-year-old

We went to a big 'Rock and Roll' McDonald's today. Quite frankly it is amazing how happy a happy meal can actually make a kid, often much happier then real food. Then we went down to Millenium Park and saw the Bean and had Jamba Juice and ran around crown fountain which was minus the fountain part since it is turned off for the winter.

Jamba sidebar--my favorite kind is the one that tastes like orange julius more then regular smoothie, is that a copout or does it make me a wuss or neither? Does it just mean I don't really like fruit?

Then we went back to Patrick's and eventually the little one wanted to play an xbox game called "Lego Star Wars the Video Game" which was actually what he wanted to do all day (he even picked playing this game over going to a movie). Weird. Also kind of way boring.

Tomorrow I meet Patrick's older sister, hopefully. My work called me and left a message today about how they were going to change my work hours in a way that would eliminate my large break in the middle of the day (although would give me a whole extra hour of work for the week). However, this would mean I would miss the whole meeting of the sister. I was kind of pissed, but then I talked to a manager who seemed sympathetic to my plight and I heard nothing more, so I should be fine.

Also (and this is getting to be a way long post), the 5-year-old told me I could sleepover at Patrick's today. . .on the floor. Cameron (Mr. 5) would be sleeping in the full sized bed, Patrick would be sleeping on the couch, and I would get the floor (where as he--Cameron--said, I "would have way more room to roll around"). Anyway, I thought that was pretty funny, but somehow managed to resist that temptation and am spending tonight alone but in my own queen-sized, pillow-topped mattress/bed. Yeah, can you believe I chose that?

I am still tired

However, chilling in the papasan is making me feel better. Tomorrow I am going to hang out with the boy and the nephew. I sliced my knuckle open today at work, and it bled through a band-aid, but it feels better now.

That is all that I really know for today.

Wow, I am whupped.

A five year old kicked my ass and my boyfriends too, and all he had to do was go to a museum with us and then to The Rainforest Cafe.

Seriously, the Museum of Science and Industry is way fun, and I would love to go back sometime when I could actually read some of the exhibits and pay attention to something other then a five year old who likes to push buttons. He was exhausting. Then he fell asleep on me on the bus to the restaurant. The resaurant which has a full bar mostly to make it bearable for the adults who take children there. It wa pretty cool theme-wise (probably the coolest with an indoor waterfall and animatronic animals and whatnot) but the food was mediocre, and it was humid (I know from the rainforest part) and loud and full of crazy children. The five year old, however, LOVED it.

Patrick's nephew is adorable, and seeing Patrick with him is amazing. He is so good with him--even when the kid is making it way harder for adults to be good with him. It was really sweet actually. Makes me love Patrick even more--although I am not going to lie, I cannot wait to see him after the kid leaves and it is just us. Other people's children can sure put a barrier between me and the good lovin'.

Did anyone watch the Simpsons?

I heard something about a mushroom cloud logo for a football team. That is awesome because a high school near me (the Richland Bombers) has a mushroom cloud logo. See www.richlandbombers.org for yourself. Richland always claimed a Matt G tie, and maybe they are right.

Drunk, just a little bit

I like the way things seem when you are just a little bit drunk (like I am right now). Everything seems just a little more elemental, sharper and yet not so sharp. The night air is crisper, and walking is a serious process clearly defined into each individual piece of the flow that it normally is. Things you see, seem different then the 800 other times you have seen them, also it is way fucking harder to type on a computer.

Ick, I don't want to go to work

I don't. I want to spend the whole day in bed. I did wake up to a phone with a lovely text message from Patrick waiting on it. That was very nice, and accentuated the wanting to stay in bed.

Beautiful Day, Sleepless Night

It was gorgeous out today! Lovely, wonderful, perfect! Also I have West Wing to look forward too--even if Leo dies--and some Donna and Josh hanky-panky. Maybe even some Extreme Makeover Home Crying Edition while the taping is happening. Maybe.

Last night I stayed up all night. I got off work late and then went to Patrick's for his last night in town before a little spring break trip home to Michigan. He needed to clean up the apartment for his return home with his nephew (who is 5) later in the week. I thought he would be mostly done cleaning and packing before I got there, but he hadn't started, so I ended up helping him a bit and just spending time with him. It was nice, but the next thing we knew it was 5something in the A.M.--no thanks to daylight savings time--and there would be no sleeping. I was going to see him off at the train station, but he ended up taking a taxi, and I just saw him off as I left to catch a bus home. I get to meet his nephew next time I see him.

Also, I am trying to write some of my stories down in a David Sedaris inspired style memoir collection thing, so if any of you out there have any particular memories of one story or more that particularly tickle you, remind me, so I know which ones are the really good ones.

Undumped

That's right, Patrick and I are back together (thank God!). It was awful without him, and I am so happy to be back with him. It wasn't easy. Last night I went over to get my stuff, and we had a long and at times very painful conversation/argument for hours. The end result of which was we want to be with eachother, so that is what we are going to do. It's nice. I missed him a alot. Although, this weekend he goes back to Michigan for some of his spring break, so I will have to miss him for a few more days--but in a much happier way.

So now everyone knows

Well not everyone, but my family and the people at work and all my friends here in Chicago which means most of the people I am in contact with regularly. This is kind of a relief because now I don't have to tell anyone anymore because I hate that moment and the sad look they give you. Sad looks just piss me off. I know I am sad, but looking at me like that does not actually make me feel better it just makes me want to kick you.

Not you, obviously, but the looker.

I also hate seeing or hearing or reading about things we had plans for together. Now I have to do them alone or without and just that little reminder makes my day crappy. I would like to have a crappy-free day. Last week had lots of them, this week not so much.

Another Day

I went out with the girls last night, and they took care of me, and I got wasted. Thanks girls.

Tonight some people from home are coming in for a teachers convention/workshop thing, so that will be a nice distraction, I guess. I am doing okay though guys. Thnaks for worrying about me.

Dumped

That happened to me, last night. It sucks, and there was/is crying. All I really want to say about that right now.

Long day

I had an interview with a consulting firm this morning that seemed much more promising then the last one. I filled out tax paperwork and everything, and the interview portion was much better then last time. Anyway, hopefully soon I will have some for real jobishness. We shall see; I was there for two plus hours, and then I went to work for a full day. I am beat.

The Symphony

It was great! We went tonight and sat way up high looking down on everything. I enjoyed it because watching them play and hearing this amazing music somehow didn't quite connect--what I was hearing seemed like so much more then what they were doing, what I was seeing. It was way cool. I am doing it again, and when I win the lottery I am getting season tickets and a box of my own.

The lottery I speak of is the imaginary $365 million dollar one in my head. I will also have a fabulous condo and my own theatre and some sort of theatre company/producing agency and an ipod (60 gig since I am so fabulously wealthy that I can afford it like buying a cd).

I also have another job inerviewy thing tomorrow, and I should get my butt in bed. Although I need to say that myspace is way hard. I put in that I want to approve messages and comments before they post, but I am having a hard time finding them. I click on the link in my email, and I can only approve the first link I click--the rest of the comments/messages are locked in the ether or something. It is way annoying.

I have joined my space

I did it. I am there somewhere. I am having a time trying to get people to pick me as their friends so far since I don't seem to just get it yet. Anyway, find me, love me, friend me if you are there.

Also, I am getting my hair cut today--probably--by my friend/coworker Kristy. Here goes! But seriously, how bad can you fuck up a cut of my hair? It is super ridiculous long right now, so even if it did get fuckd up we could still correct it and I would still have long hair. Right now I look like some kind of crazy horse person, hippy, homeschooler, and that is not okay.

Tired and Cranky, but I got a raise

That is right, I make $8.20 an hour instead of $8. Yeah, I am just a teeny tiny bit less poor. I also got my first Pier 1 evaluation, and I am good. Literally that was my review, I do a good job. Oh, and I found out the other night that I am associate of the month again (two times in 6 months). Yeah, that is what too much education gets me being good a a gig I need no formal education for. Oh well, it just barely pays the bills.

Other then that, not too much happening excpet for Wendy's being out of chili, so I couldn't get my favorite salad.

Long day

Nice day, but long day. Patrick and I walked literally miles today--from my store to downtown and from the Lincoln Park zoo to my store. The zoo was great and so was being with Patrick. It was especially great considering we had a state of the relationship chat this weekend that had its rocky bits--do not worry we figured things out, just needed to actually talk about it as opposed to relying on psychic powers to figure things out.

After work (which was way fun today), I took a big long bath in super hot water. It was fantastic. I also saw "V for Vendetta" which was good but not great and a relief from the crap movies I had been seeing lately. I recommend it.

I did see Emily

It was nice. Mostly girl talk, but that is the fun part of having a best friend. Today was my day off , and I did very little. Although I did ensure that I didn't have to start paying off my student loans because of unemployment (or really, lack of full-time employment). So, that is kind of cool and a huge load off my mind.

Anyway, that's all.

Waiting for Emily

She is going to call me this afternoon, and we are going to hang out this evening, but as it approaches 5pm, I begin to wonder if it will pan out. I like--no love--seeing her and spending time with her anyway I can, but the let down when she backs out is kind of a pain in the ass, and the let down happens more often then I see her--or it seems like it. Really it is probably a 1:1 ratio. I see her once; she stands me up once or some sort of craziness falls down around her ears.

I will grant her that it doesn't help that our schedules are almost incompatible, but that makes the disappointment so much worse. The anticipation of seeing her is always so great. Anyway, here's hoping. I am going to call her soon just to check.

I got beads

And it wasn't even Mardi Gras. I got a strand of green beads during the parade on Saturday, and Patrick got a sunburn because it was so hot and sunny. However the hot has left the city, now it is cold. However Saturday was a great day. There was wonderful weather and a wonderful boyfriend and jamba juice. The parade was a little boring, but made better by the boisterous college students who stood behind us and yelled ridiculous things at the people parading by.

Later we had lunch at Harry Caray's which was good, but I miss Seattle fish and chips. Then we walked about and had ice cream and saw tons of drunk people wearing green including a guy passed out in an alley with two friends hovering over him. Although Friday night a guy threw up on himself on the street a little ways behind us.

Last but not least we hung out at a bar with Emily and her husband and we played trivia games. Patrick and I are a good team. We seem to know complimentary chunks of trivia; I like that. He's competitive too, which is also nice. Saturday was a great day.

Then I worked Sunday, and I worked Monday--all day! That was the first day in almost two weeks where I worked a full shift. Insane. Please let me get a real job soon. I have not heard back about the church job, and I will probably email her today with an update of my available times for an interview.

St. Pat's Day in Chicago

I saw the green river and I saw a really long parade, well two plus hours of it before that was all I could take. I saw Emily and her hubby and that was fun. This is the very short version of my weekend. More later.

Whew!

This is an update to the earlier blog entry from today, so go read that first.

Okay, so that was way easier then I expeceted it to be. I got a 90% on the excel test, and that is flat out amazing since I have almost never used excel. I probably took a little more time then most people because I futzed around when I was unsure, but I figured out what would happen when you were right and I kept retrying the questions until it showed me the right result. Also I am fairly decent at logically figuring things out and using what I learn from the test as I go, so I would remember a new thing I learned.

Warning: Rant ahead! Slow down for dangerous curves.
Sometimes my test taking instincts weird me out--not that I think I am oh so brilliant or anythig--but I just know how to beat tests. I never learned this in school. Kids now get taught actual test taking skills so they can pass their WASL or ISAT or whatever state mandated standardized test they are forced to take to prove they are learning, but I was way before that started. I just strategized that it was better to read the questions you have to answer before reading the selection that has the answers in it (quicker, you know). Stuff like that I remember doing as far back as third grade. I really think over half my smarts are in my ability to think of a way to beat the tests at their own games--which may be why I look real smart on paper and can be a complete dumbass in real life. Rant over.

I am going to a scary movie tonight, and it might get bad. Me no likey scary movies. Me tend to go screamy-screamy a lot, even when I know what is going to happen. Me big wussy.

Job Interview Update

It went well. The woman who interviewed me was really nice and fun (and maybe a little older then me), and she seemed impressed by my resume update, so that is good. If nothing else, my resume is way better because of this dealy. Now, I have to take some tests on the internet to see if I am proficient enough with some software.

That is freaking me out a little bit. I mean, I do fine with word and things like that when I am using them, but I am no way an expert, and who knows what the test will ask me? Also I can't use the mouse for shortcuts, I can only use the task bar which I almost never do, so here goes. I will check back in after I take them.

The Good and the Bad

That was my day folks. I personally took $1000 in returns to our store, and I still managed to end the day with a positive associate productivity number (which means I sold $21 more then I took in returns). The most amazing part of that was that I did it in three and a half hours because they sent me home early. I worked three and a half hours of my possible eight hour shift today. I figured I wouldn't get all eight, but I thought for sure I would at least get the regular five. This sucks! I will maybe work 24 hours this week which is bullshit. I cannot live on that.

The good news is that I got a phone call at work for a job interview. I did a phone interview with a consultant today who is trying to hook me up with a gig as an administrative assistant to a church's ministry and day school. It sounds like it has lots to do and gives me quite a bit of self-reliance and I get to see little kids a lot. It also makes a regular salary. Not the fabulous salary of my dreams, but way better then right now. I will be able to pay off debt, put some in savings, occasionally afford trips out of town, and be able to shop and do fun things. Although I actually have to get this job first. Tonight I am going to revamp the resume to send back to the consultant. Here's hoping.

Although if I get this job it wouldn't seem to terribly fair since I haven't been looking all that long for a new gig, but holy crap do I need it. I am beyond broke right now.

I need a nap

Fortunately, I am done with work already and can go to sleep right now even. I didn't win the lottery last night. I didn't win anything.

I Hate Being Sick

Okay, so I am posting again today, but this time from my house instead of Patrick's. I am sick, but I was productive. I paid some bills, and I applied for like 20 jobs online--some of them at temp agencies--so we shall see how things go because I need to make more money like yesterday.

Two days ago on the train, I was waiting on the platform and there were bomb sniffing dogs and like 6 or 7 cops and hardly any people on the opposite platform. I found this strange. Also, on Saturday two cops got on the bus Patrick and I were riding for like ten stops and just sat there in full cop gear and rode the bus. Again, strange. Was there some threat this weekend that elevated the patrolling or what? It was weird big city life things, like when I lived in NYC in fall 2001 and would see military and national guard personnel on the streets with very large guns just standing there.

Things I think about when left to my own devices too much. Plus I am going to buy a lotto ticket tonight. 18 million bucks could be mine if I win. I would pick that over a new job. I would get a sweet apartment and pay off all my college loans and credit card debt. It would be great. I could get an ipod, a 60 gig one even. Yes! I will tell you all tomorrow if I win.

I have a cold

Patrick jinxed me. On Saturday he asked me how I managed to not get a cold while he has been sick for like a month, and then on monday I woke up sick. I am taking lots of zicam, and hopefully I will get better.

I saw "Dave Chapelle's Block Party" this weekend (I know, movie no one expected me to see on the opening weekend, right?), and it was great. I really enjoyed it. Dave Chapelle is hilarious and there are some very funny normal people he finds while planning the concert, and the music was pretty good too. I am not so much a big fan of the hip hop or the rap music, but the people in the movie were a lot more intelligent then I have previously been exposed to--their lyrics were I mean--and a lot more melodic (courtesy of the Roots). I recommend it.

I did Margaret and Ken proud

Yesterday I focused spot lights for an hour and a half. I stood on a ladder and moved it all around the store refocusing the lights on the furniture and fixtures we have moved all around over the last week and a half. Personally, I think it a little sad that that is the amount of work my two theatre degrees have been getting lately although the fault is absolutely all mine.

I was also a cranky little beast yesterday, and I don't know why. I was just antsy and bored I guess, but on the flip side I wasn't interested in doing anything in particular. We did find the movie "Can't Hardly Wiat" on Patrick's on demand cable, and freaking everyone on earth is in that movie--in particular half of the young people who later appear on "Six Feet Under" and I feel that is a weird crossover.

I leave you with this. "All right! You're both Kiss dolls!"

AMC and Loew's have merged!

This means that I can go see way more movies at way more theatres in Chicago and still get points and free popcorn on Wednesdays. That means tonight at Good Night and Good Luck there will be free popcorn.

So, not teaching at Whitman College

Just got the letter today saying they think I am great but not great enough. I find that I don't really mind. That job seemed great when I was really homesick around Christmas, but I don't want to leave Chicago anymore. More accurately, I have a wonderful reason to stay here now.

Sometimes, having not seen your boyfriend for a day or two

. . . Makes seeing him again so much better!

Also I went to the train station here, and Penn Station and Grand Central Station are way cooler. Although a lot of people take the train. That was weird. I didn't think anyone did that anymore, but that may be how I go and visit Bohon.

Ummm, made a lot of money at work today for my store. Not for me, which sucks. Although I did single handedly beat last years sales. Yeah, that's life.

Come on Woody Allen

Please oh please let this be one of your good movies! I am about to watch 'Melinda and Melinda' so here is hoping it is good. Remember that Woody Allen made good movies for a while? Little worried that it is Will Ferrell because I hardly ever like whole movies of him, but there are lots of other good people in it. We'll see.

I miss Patrick. He called me last night to say good night. Allen Bush's friends stole his phone and called me last night too and left a very bizarre and obscene message, but they were drunk and just trying to get Alan in trouble, so I think that is pretty funny.

No Patrick for a weekend

He is about to get off a train in Lansing, Michigan right now for the birthday of a two-year-old nephew and the hockey game of a five-year-old nephew. Yeah, that is way cute, so is my boyfriend. He is.

My job is being way sucky because we are having a low sales week or two which means all of our hours are being cut becuase we have too damn many managers at our store and they all have to work lots of hours. That sucks and doesn't because I do get to hang out at home some too.

Harold at IO

I went to the 'center of the improv universe' last night and saw some long form improv, and I forgot how much I like it. We saw three teams, and two were very, very funny and one had two hilarious people in it but just didn't gel. It was a good night, and it was free as are all their 8pm shows on Wednesdays. Patrick and I will definitely go again--it will probably be our fallback cheap date night.

Speaking of improv, my roommate got into the second city training program, so she is way psyched, or she would be if she got more then three or four hours of sleep a night.

Patrick is going away this weekend--to see his family for his nephews 2nd birthday. I like that he has nephews; it is cute how much he likes them. They are pretty freaking adorable in their pictures.

Date Night Again

We are going to a show at Improv Olympic, and it is a for reals date night this week. Getting back on track after a few weeks of illness and whatnot. My boyfriend is so great, and he is even better since he has gotten over his cold. And he forgives me all manner of annoying girlfriend sins. ;)

Sorry so lazy

I was doing so good staying up to date with this, but I have slipped recently. Anyway, I will get back on the track with the posting all the time.

Yes, Jim you saw right. Whatever, it is true. Read my last post and the comments if those last two sentences were confusing. Umm, late for work almost (will be if I don't get off the computer.

Things are good.

Long day that wasn't

I have only worked five hour days the last two days, so they weren't long, but they felt that way. Work sucks. I need a job that at least pays me well even if I hate it, and it would be nic if it didn't come with manual labor.

Patrick is taking me to a play tonight, at Steppenwolf. Dan Rydell is going to be in it. That will be cool, although it is possible the lack of Sports Night banter may make me like him a little less (Dan, not Patrick of course I love him).

Best Valentine's Ever

Patrick is wonderful. There were more flowers (roses and lilies and such in purple), and a fabulous dinner with Mojitos at The Mambo Grill, and on top of all that I got a gift (tickets to see a show at Steppenwolf featuring Dan Rydell from Sports Night--well, Josh Charles who was the actor who played him). Plus a lovely, ovely card with a quote from my favorite poet that made me cry. It was beautiful and wonderful, and I can't believe someone did all this for me. He is amazing.

In other news my balloons to him were never delivered. The website says they were, but he never got them. Things that suck.

Coming Home

I am so confused right now. I have been in three time zones since Friday. Friday I was Central and Pacific, Saturday and Sunday I was Mountain and Pacific, and today I have only been in one, but I am so mixed up who cares. Tomorrow I move from Pacific back to Central, but the best news of all is that I get to see my sweetheart for Valentine's Day. I have missed him on this trip. Anyway, enough gushing. Those of you who are bitchbarn members, I am soon to post a story on the bulletin boards that will make you laugh.

I have decided that I am the star of a show just for God called "Candid Heather" which is llike candid camera but just me having crazy things happen and God laughing hysterically. Go read the post on the bitchbarn, then you will understand.

Kind of a tired kitty

That is so what I am right now. Patrick and I did not go to the flamenco last night. He was sick and I was going to go alone, but I wanted to spend time with him, so I did that. We had a very cold and snowy trip to Kinko's for him to make some teacher copies, but I was rewarded for not whining about the cold (I wore my chuck taylor's instead of boots into the snow for no reason except that I am a goober) with a hot cocoa.

He felt bad about not letting me go to the show (like people don't let me do just about anything), but I didn't mind. He actually asked me if I ever complained which I found very funny (as I am sure do many of you). He knows my blog address now, so who knows--he may read this (feel free to tell him about the real me in the comment section).

I leave for a big family fun trip home and to Idaho for a wedding, so I may not be so frequent a blogger until I get back next week. Just fyi. Tonight though my friend Renee is making me roast beef for dinner (home raised beef). Patrick is coming too and so maybe is my roommate.

I like blogging way too much

It is kind of like a whole new audience for all of my stories, only it isn't really ew since most of the people who read this are all my friends and pretty much only my friends. Hmmmm. Sorry if I bore you then guys.

Today the weather kind of made it seem like I was stuck in a snow globe. That is what the snow looked like. It would be all normal and then snowy in a circley-swirl and then it would almost stop before someone shook us up again. Weird.

I am going to a flamenco concert tonight, but I think I am going shopping first. Woo Hoo!!

Aaaack!

I have a million things to do in the very few days left before I go home. I can get a lot of them done today and tomorrow (since I get off of work very, very early), but I also have plans the next two nights (flamenco dance show and dinnner at a friends house). The crappy thing is that what I really want to do is just sleep and spend time with my boyfriend. Basically my life would be better if I didn't have to work. That's it I am buying a lottery ticket! Hmmmm. . .

(Perceive how I was able not to make this a super gushy email about my wonderful boyfriend.)

(I guess that first parenthetical sort of wrecked it. Oh well, he is totally worth it.)

My boyfriend is so cute

He dresses all nice for school and irons his clothes for work and everything. I like to watch him get ready in the mornings. It is nice.

Things to know

I saw a guy coming out of the little chinese food joint by my train station with a five gallon bucket of soy sauce! Think of it--five gallons! Whoa. I knew it was soy sauce because of th big kikoman label on the side. I think it was crazy.

Patrick saw me drunk last night for the first time. I was really and truly drunk, and [STOP READING IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF TOO MUCH INFORMATION] we had really great drunken sex (well, he wasn't drunk which is probably why it was great), but--get this--his next door neighbors yelled at us to keep it down. We were told to shut up. Awesome. I am a part of the having loud sex neighbors. I apologize to anyone who didn't ever want to know that much about my sex life.

Dude crazy news!

I was dinking around the internet today on my day off, and I started looking up some old friends I keep tabs on. One of them acts as part of the Guthrie's acting company, so I went there, and he is Hamlet in their production of it. He's Hamlet! What the Fuck! I remember when he was my pudgy sweet little friend who sang musicals with me off stage, and now he is Hamlet. I am really proud of him, and I hope to go see him when it opens in March.

What do you get a boy for Valentine's?

I am not really sure. I don't think it should be expensive since we haven't been together all that long (and also I am poor), but I don't want it to be generic. Last night we were at a music store, and he was looking at some claves (cylindrical pieces of wood that are percussion somethings) but decided it wasn't quite worth it to buy just now, so I was thinking I would go back there and buy him some. They are in the $10-20 range, but they also show I pay attention to him, and they will be useful--I hope.

I was also thinking I would get whatever the gift is plus a card to Emily before I leave for Washington, so that she can give him the present at school on the morning of Valentine's Day. That would be good huh? Forethought and kind of a surprise--because he knows I don't get back until the afternoon of Valentine's Day.

Date Night

My Patrick has decreed that Wednesdays are our date night. Every Wednesday we will go on a date which rules! How sweet is he seriously? Tonight we are going to a movie at a theatre near his house, but we aren't sure what one--it will depend on when we get there. Something artsy (we have bizarrely similar tastes, he and I, which is nice).

BTW the movie "Prozac Nation" is weird but mostly just sucky. Not at all good weird, also it has the really anorexic version of Cristina Ricci, and that makes it worse.

This Year's Love

The title of this blog is a song title (my wanting to be Chrissy being pushed right on out there into cyberspace). Anyway, I hae had a lot to think about lately and my brain is starting to seem kind of full, but that is okay since I don't want to pay any attention to my brain anyway.

I go to Washington in a week and a half. It should be fun with a big family wedding thrown in for good measure. The bad news is that I don't get a whole day with Patrick for maybe three weeks or more, and that sucks. It sucks when I don't get to see him for a day at all. I like being with him even when we are just sitting on the couch watching silly TV (like Extreme Makeover Home Edition). He called his couch our couch the other day. It made me smile.

My sister is giving up teaching and going back to school for interior design. Weird.

Best Weekend Ever

Ummm, so that is what I had. I went to his house Friday night and was basically there until today when he left for work (except I went to work on Sunday). We hung out and last night after work he made me dinner, and I wathed him do schoolwork, and it was great. We are great. Said the big scary b and g words (because who are we kidding, we are boyfriend and girlfriend now--or as he says it the symbolic varsity jacket has been passed). He's amazing, and I am so amazed and lucky to have him!

I bought new clothes

Yesteday after work I stopped in at a little boutique on my way to the train and bought a really sassy blue-green top that can go off the shoulder and that wraps around all pretty. It looks good, and I also bought a pair of expensive designer jeans for $50. Probably going to wear them both out to the movies tonight with my boy.

My roomate approves of him, and says I am a more fun person since then. I guess that is true. Seeing someone who makes you happy does bring you out of a major funk.

Weekend with the boy

We both have the day off on Saturday, so the weekend should be good. We are going to go to the Chinese New Year parade and who knows what else and tomorrow night we are going to see Glory Road (he even likes cheesy movies). Where did he come from? How has no one else snapped him up before me? What was wrong with the girl he moved to Chicago for? Seriously? Seriously!

Anyway, walked a bunch of merchandise around to the front of the store from the back alley today. That was our excitement. Oh yeah!

Most fun ever and eulogy for a TV show

Maybe not ever--ever, but really fun. Last night I went out for $ beers with the girls from work, and it was great. We each bought a round and sat and gossiped and talked and of course I got way more drunk because I am a light weight.

It was especially funny because for the first hour or so we were like the only women in the bar on punk night. Yeah, that's right. I kept wanting to take my shoe and sock off and stick my foot up in the air so everyone could see that I too had a tattoo and that it was script and just black no cute multi-colored unicorns or flowers for me, oh no. Good news, I didn't' do that. Although getting really drunk means getting home really drunk on the 'El. That's right I was drunk walking to the train, drunk on the train, and drunk on the walk from the train home. I got a little nauseous on the train, but I held in their like a champ and didn't vomit. Four beers should not equal vomiting no matter what a wussy you are. Then I came home and slept and slept and slept! It was great.

Today I plan to spend the whole day watching movies from netflix (I am way behind), TV shows I have taped (Sunday's West Wing and Grey's Anatomy), and sitting in my jammies--until the boy comes over after work. Speaking of West Wing, they canceled it, finally! It deserved to die a nice peaceful death and they stretched it out way too long, making it about the drama of the world instead of the drama of the people who are behind the scenes in making the world run. West Wing, I love you , but I won't miss you the way I would've if they had kicked you off in your prime--your Sorkin prime.

I am happy.

I am probably the kind of happy that makes the people around me want to throw up in their own mouths a little. It's nice. It's nice having someone around who thinks you are wonderful, and it is even better when they are wonderful too. Although Emily is just way beyond too pleased with herself for this one.

I don't really have anything to add to that. I'm just happy.

Dinner Party ruled, boy rules, life rules

I got to work today and one of my bosses asked me, "So, do you have a boyfriend now?" and I had to answer, "Yeah, I think I do." This is a little insane to me. It is especially insane that it only feels a little weird to like him so much as a boyfriend already (we realized tonight--he came over--that we have only known eachother a week and that we have only met four times, that makes my brain almost splinter apart). He is fantastic and so funny and great; I actually kind of wonder if I will wake up and this will all be a dream because nothing in life is really this great.

I owe Emily Gann (Korff) so big for this. He is so wonderful I almost wonder if she has known he was perfect for me for a few months now and has slowly been working me up to meeting/going out with him while also not mentioning anything that might make me think him great in order that I would actually fall for him. She is an evil genius you know, lurking behind her shy smiles.

Dinner Party and Waiting

I have been acting like a crazy person all day trying to get ready for a dinner party tonight. I hung new pictures (or rather finally hung old ones up on the wall) and cleaned like crazy and fixed some chicken enchiladas. I need to go put those in the oven, and my people should be arriving at any moment--including Patrick, the man of the flowers.

People at my work think the flowers were great (I went in today to pick up my paycheck and get a few things for dinner), and exactly the right kind of flowers for me. They are right, roses would have just freaked me the fuck out!

Dude, he sent me flowers at work!

That was an exclamation point of astonishment not of excitement (although no lie, it is kind of exciting to get flowers delivered to you). This means that the date went well, I guess. I mean it did. It was a great restaurant, great food (Italian), and he is a fun guy, plus a whole bottle of red wine. Great first real date, and then he came back to my house for some conversation, and we had a nice goodbye, but it wasn't fantastic or incredible or anything--just plain old good.

But flowers? Seriously who does that? No one I know, I swear. Although the good news is they weren't scary flowers. By scary I mean the stalker, way too involved, crazy kind of flowers (an example would be a ridiculous amount of long stem roses for a person you have known less then a week). Instead they were cute, sweet flowers. He sent me maybe three dozen purplish-pink daisies in a vase. Nice, but not creepy. But who gets flowers like that anymore? Doesn't that only happen in movies? This is so far beyond what my brain is used to thinking of as normal that I don't even really know what to do, except smile. I guess I will just smile.

He called me last night.

Which is great, but I was going to call him and be all cool that way, and he beat me to it. However, he is taking me to dinner tonight! I have to go get ready. I feel sort of ridiculously girly about all of this, but he seems great, and I haven't been on a date in ages. Anyway, (barring disaster) there will be a kiss on this date.

P.S. The girls at work are all a twitter about this.

So, I have decided. . .

That I am going to call the new boy (of the aforeposted blind date). I had a good time, and he was way fun, so I am going to call him and tell him I had a nice time. Also, when my phone rang yesterday I was always a little disappointed that it wasn't him, so that's a sign. I am calling him (putting things in writing makes them true).

Silly me

I met a boy last night (thank you Emily Gann--now Korff), and he was pretty cool, so we shall see what happens. I was a little worried about the being fixed up thing, but I now realize (as I should have all along) that Emily is to be trusted and wouldn't do something like this in a stupid way because she does know me very, very well.

I got my digital camera, so hopefully soon I will have photo albums on the web and things like that. I have been a pretty productive person lately, so that is cool. Working on making that a permanent thing.

I don't really have a lot to say today--heard a crazy story about my younger brother and porn, my parents are in Reno and my mom bought a pair of sevens jeans because she is obviously having a midlife crisis and that means she will live past 100, my sister is shockingly insane in what she expects from the opposite sex, and that is really all. But here is my message for my blog friends--how come Jim is the only one who can get his ass together and blog when his computer is in fact in the computer hospital? Margaret gets some what of a pass for being on the bulletin board. That is all.

Tired and bored

Your Japanese Name Is...

Fujita Saionji

What's your Japanese Name?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Earth Ranger Your Superpower is Gadgets Your Weakness is Booty Your Weapon is Your Rusty Army Your Mode of Transportation is Capsule

What's your Superhero Name?

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Champagne Waters

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Your Monster Profile

Demon Dictator You Feast On: Pie You Lurk Around In: Shopping Malls You Especially Like to Torment: Priests

What's Your Monster Name?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I particularly enjoy the porn star name and my superhero and evil demon thingy. That is sweet and some of it is eerily true. Eerily is fun to say and fun to spell. I have to admit the last one is way the most true though!

Dude, dude, DUDE!

Seriously crazy thing just happened (beyond the weather here in Chicago today), I was dinking around friendster and I clicked the 'find people like me' button for my hometown. That was when it got crazy! A lifelong friend of my younger brother's (whose parents are my parents' friends) picture/profile showed up listing seeking relationships (men). Friendster outed this kid to me. Admittedly kid is probably the wrong word to use since he is like 23 or something. Not that I remotely care that he is gay, and actually (now that I think of it) it kind of explains a lot of stuff. How really strange. I actually wished I knew this when I was in Idaho because I could've hooked him up with some of my friends.

Really, really weird!

I am watching Beauty and the Geek

Yeah, that's right. My soul is being consumed by the evil tv and the evil kutcher empire, but I like it. It is a fascinating 'social experiment.' I think my favorite nerd right now is the rubik's cube guy. The girls are way annoying, but amusing.

So, Emily has kind of set me up with this guy she works with. I am going with her and her husband to his birthday part on Sunday, and he has my number and may be calling me to go out to dinner sometime soon. I will keep you updated on what is happening.

I was going to post a list of weird things that are true

But that was going to be after I took a nap. Only I never took one, and now I am busy with dinner and clean-up. Plus that would take time away from playing the Sims2.

Woo Hoo!

Even more exciting, I just reformatted my computer so it is back to normal. Last night I only got windows XP to work and nothing else, but now I have everything!!!! All right, that is all.

My computer lives again!!!!!

Oh yeah, it works, and I am on it. It took my friend Donald in KC my downstairs neighbor Tony, and some mojo from a polish version of windows xp home to get it going but it is going now, and I am happy! All that is left is to put the Sims 2 back onto it, and I will really be in heaven!

Why?

Why is it I can never find the men who are actually present and want me attractive? Why? Why do I always pine for people who don't return phone calls or emails or my affection? Is it that much to ask? Am I that unloveable or unappealing? Obviously not because these other perfectly nice and attractive men seem to think I am great? Why not the one I atually want?

I hate boys!

I hate waiting

In line, for emails, for anything really. I wish my computer would be fixed, but I am not sure if it would be smarter and/or cheaper to send it to HP to fix and send back or take it to Circuit City (or other computer fixing place) here and have them do it. Also contemplating just buying a new fucking laptop--although absolutely have no money to do that, don't really have the cash to fix it. Whatever. I hate waiting.

God hates my computer

Well, it is my fault really. I killed it, but then it won't let me quickrestore it to factory settings. I am going to call the help line to see if they can help me, but anyone who has ideas (the first disk went fine and then the second disk was spit out midway through saying error 48!) can please, please call me and give me advice. If you don't know my number call Chrissy or someone who does--or email me at my same old same old account, or bitch barn types can post help there. I hate computers!