I am about to become a housewife, even if it will be a temporary thing, well temporary until we have babies. The babies thing is a couple years off at the SOONEST.
This is weird and hard for me. First because I like to think of myself as a feminist and a strong independent woman who can take care of myself. Which I am and I can, BUT I won't be for at least a while. This is weird and hard, and I also wonder if it makes me a hypocrite because I make snide comments about people from my hometown who have a gajillion babies and maybe a religion I do not look so fondly on and maybe less education then me and maybe who craft a ton and extreme coupon. I have no plans to coupon or join any religion or lose my education BUT I will be home, not so much with the working and quilting at least sometimes if not a lot. DOH! So there is that.
Also, ummm feel squiggy about Sam footing all the bills. In part because I got me, although for a while I won't be able to get me, although by choice because I would obviously not just not work if my circumstances did not allow it.
So I also feel squiggy about my circumstances allowing it. So many of my dear friends and just other people across this nation are fighting for jobs and survival and I will be at home quilting and not even raising babies. Unless Steve McQueen counts, but I have a feeling he thinks he does not AND he also will hate my infringing on his alone time. I know Sam and I are very very fortunate to have weathered the last few years and the recession with the only financial impact on us being totally self imposed and negligible compared to what so many others are facing. And I feel crushingly guilty about my good fortune. And I feel guilty about flaunting my good fortune.
I now even feel guilty about whining about my good fortune.
Also I hate that I am kind of a kept woman. Or something. What the fuck is this? Mona Lisa Smile? What if I go all Betty Draper? Ok I probably won't, but if Steve gets mouthy at dinner I may just slap him around, and then buy him riding boots to make him love me.
Why I am such a mind fuck basket case about simple, FORTUNATE choices in my life? Why can't I be at peace with happiness and good fortune? What is wrong with me?
Where's Beebo?! There she is!!!
11 years ago
3 comments:
I felt the same way when I went to grad school- since it was online I was a "stay at home student".
you're not gonna be betty draper. you're gonna be the wierd, creative mom that writes elaborate stories for preschools and bakes carrot cake cupcakes and Makes Things. you're gonna be awesome.
I felt the same way. I had lots of guilt over not contributing to the relationship because I wasn't adding money.
Hell, even when I was adding money, I felt guilty because it was so much less money than Dave brought in. But if I wasn't earning, I felt like a parasite. Even though he said many, MANY times that he didn't see it that way at all. (And this was when things were good between us, so it was probably true.)
I wish I could tell you the secret to feeling better about it, but I ever figured that out for myself. If you find it, let me know.
Post a Comment