Thursday, September 28, 2006

There was screaming

I was going to use my day off to write something interesting about my parents a la my one day collect them in a memoir thing, but instead I did some house cleaning and watched a whole lotta netflix. Then thre was screaming for the end of "Grey's Anatomy" which was way, way, way too good last night.

Really, I actually am not even talking about the whole episode being good. Naked McSteamy was good! Really every episode of every tv show should feature a naked McSteamy. When he walked out with the towel, my roommate and I screamed and she stood up and I went from lying on the couch to kneeling up on the couch. It was intense tv for not a series finale or a series premiere or even sweeps week. Screaming, for real. I am sure the boys upstairs wondered what the hell was going on.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I won!

A ten dollar gift certificate to either Barnes & Noble or Borders. Not quite the lottery but something. My odds were better too, something like 1 in 5. Must get sleep more talkie/writey tomorrow.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Instead of Prozac

I walk about two miles a day five days a week--to work and back. In these walks I have a lot of time to think, and I think about all kinds of things. What I would do with fictitious lottery winnings? What do I want to do with my life? What am I doing with my life? What was this episode of my life about? What were my motives about doing something in my past and what did I tell myself were my motives at the time?

Bascially, I just examine things about my life and myself and see what I can learn from them. Lately something occurred to me about the two serious relationships I have had in my life. I entered into each of them following a period of depression. In the first, it was after my sojourn in NYC which was a rough time for me. It got so bad that I would sleep 16 hours a day (on average) for about a month--a month when I left my house basically only to buy food. Pretty classic signposts of depression. Moving back to my hometown was not an intant fix. Last fall and winter in Chicago I was waffling on a similar path. I had a job and a few more friends, so it never got anywhere near that bad, but it was a hard time. It was hard to be that self-sufficient, expecially as the friends I had brought with me here started to find their own lives an be less available to me (jobs, hobbies, new friends, etc.). The lack of community bith times hurt me. I like being a member of a community of friends; it is important to my emotional well-being.

Both Eric and Patrick showed up in my life at times when I felt alone and depressed, and both relationships started hard and fast. I jumped in way over my head immediately both times (although with Eric, I refused to label any of the things I was feeling but that didn't make the feelings any different). My life underwent a change with/because of both of those relationships. I went from sad to happy, depressed to joyful. Other people treat depression with therapy or drugs (Zicam, Prozac, whatever), and it seems I treat them with men--with falling in love.

I have never had a serious relationship that started with me in a normal, healthy frame of mind. Okay, so maybe normal and healthy can't really ever be assigned to my frame of mind, but what I mean is I have never started a serious relationship in a mental emotional state that corresponds to my usual self. I have only started them in periods of turmoil. I would say that I started dating Dan and John in that mind set, and whatever happened with Luke was from a normal mind set, but in those situations I didn't seem interested in fully participating in the struggle of a serious relationship or really fighting for them to be in my life. Now, in some cases (John) they totally didn't deserve it, and in others maybe I wasn't actually interested in anything more then what happened (Dan and Luke), but it all begs the question what would happen if I ever met a truly fantastic guy that I really liked when I was at my norm or was happy? It also begs the question, would I ever really like a guy if I met him when I was at my norm or even happy?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Not winning

The lottery. I am not winning it. Not a dime, not a buck nothing. Not that I spend that much on it, maybe $10-15 in the last 6 months. Probably not even that, but I never win. I could use some extra cash some way. I could. Even if it was just like $20 or something. Plus the $ I spend on lotto would be spent buying candy or junk food, and lotto is at least not going straight to my tummy and my upper ass fat. Lotto is going straight to crushed dreams.

See Margaret's blog progression for the logic behind this posting.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Yea for free movies!

Although I am a little embarassed to admit that the free movie I saw was "Number 2" the Jackass movie, and I enjoyed it a great deal. There was laughing until I hurt. Lots of laughing. Plus, I got to go see it before it opened and make my siblings really, really jealous. That may be the very best part.

Monday, September 18, 2006

My legs were so tired they stopped

Really all of me. I was tired. Super long (though not bad, just busy/hard) day at work Sunday, and then this morning was truck day. I spent the last hour at work with tired, itchy eyes, and I needed a nap when I got home. I didn't take one for like an hour and a half. First there was eating, and second there was watching an hour long thing on the History channel on "Spontaneous Human Combustion." I am not joking. It had some pretty grusome pictures and was kind of totally fascinating at first and then just padded out at the end.

Tomorrow I will be sleeping because it is my day off. Also I was sleeping a little while ago, and I will be sleeping very soon because it is night. Sleeping is very important to me.

All of this will hve to wait until after football though. That is right, I am watching football. Well, half watching and half ignoring football. My roommates are watching. They are Steelers fans. They have terrible towels out on the couch, and we are one of those houses that have a sports flag or poster in the window (although thank god just the poster). Football, I know. And not even the good kind with cute boys you can see.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

West Wing Overload

I watched the first four episodes of season 5 today--in a row. In case you are forgetting those are some of the "Oh shit Aaron is gone and he left us with a fucking republican president" episodes. Also known as the real bad ones. They pull it out a little bit near the end of season 5 with Donna gets a sexy photojournalist boyfriend in the middle east and then gets blown up with Fitzwallace double header, and a shout out to Sarte and a really cool documentary episode following CJ--very meta. But basically this season is real crappy at the beginning, but I must suffer through so that I can say that I have seen them all, and I did not watch most of season 5 out of protest.

Also, I think I may need, need, need a new ipod nanon in shiny colors. I might need it. Plus we have an apple store so I can go instant grat it downtown. We shall see because I can't really, really afford it, and I could probably go visit my friend Jessica in Orlando (which comes with several days of free Disneyworld), so don't expect to read that I got an ipod nano tomorrow or this week or anything.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I need to light a fire under it

Next weeks, I am going to research like crazy and pursue theatre education here in Chicago. I am going to research some companies to see what their theatre ed programs are like and then I am going to volunteer (or seek paid positions) and make myself an expert on theatre education (obviously this is the beginnings of a long term plan. but that is what it is. I don't really feel like acting that much anymore, but I miss teaching the kiddies. I would love to work with them. Creating myself a niche in teaching children's theatre is a totally fascinating thing to me.

Now, I don't want to do crap theatre for kids. I am serious about educating and engaging them in productive quality (emphasize QUALITY) productions. I am serious about treating children of all ages intelligently and being serious about creating engaging entertainment for youth, hopefully it can also be educational but not hit you over the head with a hammer in anyway. Yeah, so that is my plan.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Why am I a lazy slob?

More importantly why do I not weigh 300 pounds? Today I sat on the couch or laid in bed, except for a little two block walk to the convenience store to buy lunch. Breakfast was two hot dogs, and that lunch I just mentioned was a little bit of leftover popcorn, some almond M & M's, some dark chocolate M & M's, and some Mentos washed down with diet coke. Then for dinner I had chili drowned in sour cream and cheddar cheese. Seriously?

Things I need to do: first get off my ass and do something other then going to work. Or something like that.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I may be asleep by 10pm tonight

Like I was in the 7th grade or something. I am tired, and I must be at work at 6 am, so I guess it is a good plan, but it is a little embarassing. Blech. I don't want to go to work early in the AM. However, I will be very excited to get off work early in the PM.

Friday, September 08, 2006

I am a Mermaid bitches

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.













What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Why my brother is my hero

My brother is a really brave man, and I never really knew how brave until this past weekend. He told me a story about his day, but it wasn't a story about rescuing babies or kittens in peril, it wasn't about fighting wild animals, and it wasn't about a battlefield during war. His tale was far less glamourous, but maybe even harder.

My brother is in the Air Force, but his brave tale wasn't from any danger of gunfire or big scary place in the world. He lives in Northern California, and is an ammo guy at his base there. The big danger in his day to day life is, well there really isn't all that much big danger. He very slowly drives bombs around, so I guess being around bombs confers some degree of danger, but he wasn't brave about the ammo. He was brave at work in other ways.

Last week, he was sent a survey--an anonymous survey (through his Air Force assigned email address)--to fill out online. This survey asked him about all manner of minutiae of life in the service; it asked about food in the mess, living in the community, the base grocery store, and military policy.

It asked how he felt about the military's no tolerance policy of homosexuality in the service. Did he strongly agree with it, agree with it, feel indifferent to it, disagree with it, or strongly disagree with it? He answered that he strongly disagreed. How did my brother feel about don't ask don't tell? He strongly disagreed with it because he believes a person's sex life shouldn't have anything to do with their worklife unless they are a sex worker or they want it to.

At the end of the survey, he was told that the last few questions would be a more in depth exploration of five 'random' questions he had already answered. What do you know, two of the questions it explored were 'no tolerance to homosexuality' and 'don't ask don't tell.' Thomas passionately defended a person's right to love whoever they want regardless of gender. This was the beginning of his true act of bravery. I am sure (and so was he) that the military had a way to track the survey back to him, so it seems likely that, "They'll think I am gay pretty soon," as he said to me. That could put his job at risk (theoretically, probably a long shot since he does like girls).

His act of bravery was taking the survey aloud in his shop. He was surrounded by young straight males from backwater America who don't just dislike homosexuality, but they hate it. It disgusts them. They may not have any sort of realistic comprehesion of it--to them it may just be, at best, Jack and Will from "Will and Grace" and colored by the 'scandalous' sex scenes from "Brokeback Mountain" (which was a movie they never saw)--but they hate it all the same.

My brother knew this when he started answering his questions, but that didn't change his answers. In fact, it only made him madder. He passionately defended his answers in the face of ignorance, hate, and bigotry to people who's minds he doubted he would change. He answered all comers. He answered in the face of people who could probably report him for some of this. They could report that he is gay (I am sure the thought crossed their minds), and that could bring him trouble like he has never before known. He answered with arguments that simply say that homosexuals are just like heterosexuals, and they deserve exactly the same rights and opportunities.

My brother was brave. It is easy for me to say that bigotry is wrong and homosexuals are the same as everyone else because no one I see on a regular basis (or work with or hang out with) thinks otherwise. Big deal. Have I defended my beliefs in the face of real hatred? Have I really ever stood up to people in defense of the unpopular? No. I have even let things go unchallenged that bothered me deeply, that made me feel sick to my stomach. I just sat there quietly and allowed them to pass, but my brother, Thomas, doesn't do that. That is why he is a hero, and hopefully not just mine.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Inspired by Robyn and Jim

These guys (minus the lead singer) stayed at my house in July when they played the Metro in Chicago. They are pretty good guys, and I do like this song and this video--plus everyone else was putting up music, and I wanted to hop on the bandwagon.

Remind me later to post why my brother is my hero; it is a good story.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I should just give up

on throwing parties because seriously I cannot get people to show up for anything. Last night there was free food and beer and there were less guests at our party then live at our house. I had a friend come and my other two roomates had a friend come, and that was it. I have nicknamed it "The Little Party That Couldn't." It was pretty freaking sad.

Almost as sad as the fact that I have watched four episodes in a row of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It was a marathon what can I say? Also there was crying. I couldn't help it; they were some sad farmer family that lost there dad but got farm equipment, a new barn, and hay. It made me cry.

Umm, so tomorrow I may be a bum, I may cook dinner, and I may go to a free movie showing. We shall see.

Oooh, also I watched Serenity this weekend, and it was WAY, WAY better then the show was. I really liked it. I just wanted all of you firefly nerds to know that. I am sorry Jim, but the movie was way good.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I was useful this much today

I did get a pinch done. I used the wonders of the internet to schedule the turning off/closing out of my gas and electric at the old apartment (yes, I know that I am a little bit late in getting to that, but whatever). I also paid my electric bill there and at the new place, and I still have money left in my account which I don't fully understand, but I guess I have been better at sticking to my budget then I thought or something.

All this and I am still in my pajamas because days off rule. I needed today off hardcore because I was whupped, and this is the first day off that I have had in a while that I actually didn't have stuff planned for. Granted some of the 'stuff' I refer to was way fun like hanging out with my friends who just moved here and meeting up with old friends from high school and entertaining hardcore bands who sleep on my floor, but it was good to have a for real break. Sleeping was necessary. Now room cleaning looks like it will be necessary and maybe I will find the charger to my old cell phone so that I can get an alarm clock with a snooze button again.

The snooze button seems to actually be important to my life. I enjoy the half-awake, half-asleep time that you have when you push it. I revel in it. It takes on a golden pink haze in my life, and when I have an alarm that only rings once, I lose all of that, and I miss it. I also end up going back to sleep and not getting up in time. Snooze is my friend. All hail snooze!