My boss just sent me cupcakes for my birthday. I am sure he ordered them on Friday before he left on vacation when he realized that no one had done anything for my birthday at the office while I do all the birthday planning, but I feel this in no way diminishes how tasty and awesome they are. They are from a bakery called More Cupcakes and they are totally delicious (and more frosting than cake).
So I am 30. For sure. So far it feels exactly like 29.
Last night's birthday extravaganza was awesome! Seriously wonderful food at Graham Elliot which included a couple of dishes that I wanted to keep on my tongue forever they were so incredible (Kung Pao Sweetbreads with sesame sauce and chili sauce and peanut brittle which tasted in credible no matter how scary it sounds and the dessert of Darjeeling panna cotta with lychee and raspberry yummies and sunflower seed shortbread ooh and ginger sorbet)! Sally and David go eat here once you live here, well worth the train downtown. They even put a candle on the dessert plate. Very sweet.
The limo was great and no vomiting. Everyone had a great time talking and laughing. We got to Navy Pier with just enough time to get on the boat which was a speedboat which added to the sparse rain meant face massage by raindrops. It was crazy and so ridiculous that it made it a better time than if we would've had lovely weather, and then there were fireworks right in front of us and the skyline off to our left. It was beautiful and exactly what anyone could hope it to be. Then we walked back to Sam's along the lake for some snacks and some camaraderie (and we stayed up late all discussing possible end of the world disasters and we discovered that Jared knows big geology words because his dad is a geologist).
Today I was almost too pooped to do anything, so there was much napping and watching of tivo'd stuff. Oh and reading. . . on my new Kindle!!! Which I love! I haven't put too much onto it yet being a little short of cash, but I put the free books Sally recommended, plus every free book I could find that seemed appealing to me including a crap ton of trashy cheapo romance novels. Yeah, that's right, and the best part is that no one will ever have to know I am reading them on the El anymore. I also downloaded the Kindle app for the iphone to my iphone touch, so that I can put book I am currently reading on them and read that if I leave the kindle behind.
Funny story, my mom was on a teacher trip for most of the last week and one of the women on the trip had a Kindle. My mother had never heard of one until that moment, and she saw it and thought, oh my God Heather would love this soooo much I should call Sam and tell him because it would be the perfect birthday present. So when I told her that he got it for me, she screamed. Hilarious.
It is wrapped in Amazon wrapping and there is basically no way it is not a Kindle! I AM SO EXCITED! This will be so dangerous because this book can just get other books in it from the air! Well with the help of a credit card. My current worry is how to fill it before said trip.
Ummm, also it is soooooo hot here and my house is sooooooo not air conditioned that I am staying at Sam's for the duration of this feels like over 90 degree weather that doesn't cool off enough overnight to cool places down inside. It just is too hot. Last night was my first night at his place and it is sooooo nice to be able to sleep in a coolness rather than having to take a cold shower and go to bed still damp so that you are cool enough to sleep as long as the ceiling fan is hitting you and making the still dampness feel like actual cool.
Also, taking cat to vet tomorrow, so that should be awesome because he is an angry angry kitty when we go there, but he has been vomiting lately and we want him to be ok before we leave.
It is upon me. Like really, really upon me. Like Sunday. And I had some good things planned and then thought I would fill the rest with Pride and then head home for the family wedding which would include some birthday for me as well, and then Sam got excited. I also think he is probably trying to atone a bit.
By the way, sidebar--he has attended his first AA meeting and it seems to have made a very strong impact on him and he plans to keep going to that specific one and maybe add another one or two to his weekly rounds at first. He sounds very different in how he speaks about this now, like a switch went from kinda get it, to oh shit i get it in his brain. I am still letting this progress to see what really happens and taking it day by day, but I feel calmly optimistic about this.
So, next tuesday is the BNL concert in Grant Park with Taste of Chicago. Sunday is the Pride Parade (which has absolutely nothing to do with my birthday but it will be a fun party where many of my friends will be out and about for) and a wind down from Pride event at friends' house that will likely have some sort of dessert confection with candles on it. BUT Saturday night is where things get a little out of control (and totally awesome).
Sam and I will be picked up by a limo and driven to dinner (totally walking distance from his house but whatever) at Graham Elliot a restaurant by a James Beard nominee (and maybe winner) who was on last week's Top Chef Masters, Graham Elliot Bowles. Bring it on molecular gastronomy! Then we get back into limo and drive around Chicago to pick up a select few friends (sorry other friends but I just couldn't take everyone). The last friends are way up North, so we drive down Lake Shore Drive (with champagne and sparkling grape juice) to Navy Pier where we get on a boat to take a boat tour/ride. Oh yeah, we get on that boat in time to watch the fireworks that happen every Wednesday and Saturday night during the summer from Lake Michigan over the city skyline. WHAT?
There is no way this won't be totally awesome!! And way too extravangant, but Sam keeps telling me I only turn 30 once.
So, going to the wedding quite soon. It will involve two long plane flights and two long drives and likely some serious airport time. I will bring my itouch, but I am contemplating bringing my laptop and air card along.
Pros: Can watch movies streamed off netflix in airport, in car, even hanging out if applicable (likely not I know), Can read ebooks from library and check out new ebooks from library (this is why I want a Kindle), Can blog and check email super easy, Can upload pics easy
Cons: Carrying a laptop everywhere, maybe unecessary as Sam will have his (with aircard), Sam's has netflix on it too (but he works and won't just let me watch what I want), Will likely also be carrying real books
What say you faithful readers, bring it or leave it?
Because when I tried to open a window it came right back on down closed but with enough time for me to stick my hand under it, and then there was blood and some swelling mitigated by ice lots of ice. And it is possibly hotter than actual hell here in my apartment right now because of course my boyfriend picks the first freaking heat of the summer to be a disaster and keep me far the fuck away from his air conditioning.
Hand is better, but will be stiff and probably bad looking for a few weeks. Window still not open. Mani/Pedi postponed since finger seemed a bad choice for that until it gets a little more healed. Apartment still hot but not as hot as it will be tomorrow. Waiting for Sam to finish his meeting.
I started watching Homicide Life on the Street last night. It is based on a book by the guy who made The Wire which is really genius brilliant television if you watch it long enough to let it into you. Homicide is really good too, although I guess this changes midway through its whole life as it became too much regular tv, but I like it right now.
Sam relapsed again. I told him I don't want to speak to him and will not speak to him until he has started AA. He left me a voicemail while drunk, so I didn't speak to him this morning, I left him a voicemail and sent him an email saying that I am done talking to him. I imagine he hasn't gotten that yet because he is still sleeping it off. I am pissed off and exhausted by all this. I met my breaking point, so I will stay strong on this. I am looking into Al-Anon and listening to some podcasts.
Had an interesting weekend. On Friday, we got caught in a downpour or a deluge on the way to friends' Shakespeare show and was so soaked we couldn't (Sam and I) very well go to the show anymore. Literally we were wet through, my bra was drenched, we were dripping, the only possible way we could've gotten more wet was to go swimming. So, we headed home and had a quiet night (where I learned how to download ebooks for free from the library (you only get to keep them for 21 days, but they have audiobooks you can get that way too).
Saturday was a lazy day at home until Sam brought delicious food over for dinner and another friend joined us. Then we went to see the 500 Clown's latest production loosely taken from Brecht's Man is Man into a sort of crazy cabaret type thing. It was awesome and great fun. I will probably try to grab another showing of it before it closes (which means sometime my birthday weekend).
Then yesterday I was even more lazy before heading over to Sam's for a dinner he made and we had some friends over for that too.
Unfortunately, Sam had another relapse this weekend. He seems to have bounced back from it, but he still went out and had a party night Saturday after the show. I could tell he wasn't feeling himself at the show, and he intended to go home and sleep but when he got home there was a work emergency involving the Seattle Mariners and the Jonas Brothers (different events). It stressed him out, so he decided he should go out to a piano bar and drink until 5am. Then he texted me about it.
I let him know my displeasure about it, and the fact that his one night relapses seem to be forming a new pattern within his "not drinking" that makes me crazy and makes me fear he isn't getting as better as he thinks he is. I also let him know this is a major reason why I think he should try AA, so he would have a person to call when shit starts pulling him the wrong direction. Instead of having to call me or his friend who barely ever drinks or someone who doesn't really understand the complications of addiction because they haven't really had to fight it.
Mostly at this point it freaks me out because I was sure he would get things figured out enough that I could move in by the time my lease is up at the end of August (or mid-August if Azar gets a school roommate). And right now, I am not sure he will. And I don't know what I am going to do then. I mean I can find myself an apartment or a sublet or somewhere to crash. I have done it before. I'm a grown up, but I sure haven't planned for it. And moving to my own place, well it just isn't what I had hoped for or wanted. That is the bottom line. I don't want it. It sucks.
Once upon a time I had a best friend. We met in college and seemed to have an affinity for eachother that drew us together. Eventually we took classes together, acted together, worked together in the costume shop, and even lived together for a while. Then I graduated, but thanks to emails and cell phones we stayed in touch. She came to visit me in Washington, and I went to visit her after she graduated and moved to Chicago.
We were a bit distant, but things were good. Even though we might go a long time in between catching up, we still caught up, and that was the important part. Yes I am sure there were ebbs and flows in our catching up as I fell for this deity nicknamed boyfriend and was ecstatic or as she struggled with the jealousies of her long term boyfriend, as said deity boy dumped me to be closer to his deity and as her relationship eventually splintered under its own baggage and the allure of the world outside of it. When one of us needed more support or when one of us needed someone to celebrate with, the other was there at the end of the phone line.
Then I went to grad school and her relationship ripped itself apart. I was not able to be as available to her as I had before because I was in grad school. I had class, I had rehearsals, I had to memorize lines, I had to do homework, I just had a life that suddenly became full.
She got out of a bad for her relationship, and she got into one with her current husband. I would tell you more about how that worked, except that I don't really have a good recollection of it. I also probably was not as excited as I was expected to be when she told me she was engaged because it seemed like such a quick jump from one relationship to a marriage in another. But I was happy for her, and she asked me to be in the wedding. I had to say no though because I couldn't get there. I was a broke ass college student. Plus I was in summer rep and couldn't get permission to leave in advance, but I had to do the rep that summer in order to get my student loan money which was paying for my life (and getting me able to move away) and enough credits to graduate. In the end I found out about a week before that I could've made it out there, but by that point there was no earthly way I could afford to pay for it.
Apparently this was a MAJOR sin on my part. I still feel there really was no good choice for me there. Yes I did make the choice that was more selfish. I chose to eat all summer, to graduate from my master's program, and to make it possible to move away right away instead of a weekend at a wedding of my best friend (at the time) to someone I had never met. I don't think she ever understood or forgave me for that choice.
Then I moved into the same town as her, and didn't see her for two months. She didn't come help me move or welcome me to town. Our relationship got better about 6 months after I moved there when she fixed me up with a coworker of hers. For the three months we were together, she hung out with me a lot. She called, we did stuff, there was double dating, it was great, like back when we had been in school together.
And then I got dumped, and I freaked out in that dumping. There was a lot of tears, and I soooo freaked him out, and I initially took it a lot harder than I should of. But she wasn't very there for me in my tears and my pain, and I think I was fairly understanding of that. I mean, she was stuck in the middle of that break up, and that is a sucky place to be, so I tried to pour my vitriol out to others and be a little more chill (if not totally fine) to her.
After about a month or so I snapped out of that break up and came back to life. But it seems that I had dropped out of her life. She never managed to find room in her life for me again. We would go months without seeing eachother, even longer than our conflicting schedules would suggest. I would find my way out to her shows and performances, but she wouldn't find her way to mine. Her calls would get less and less, my emails would go unanswered. I would only get emails from her when her theatre company wanted my money or support. I started dating Sam, and I really wanted her to meet him. She ditched late on a double date night arranged like 6 months into our relationship.
She still has never met him. She hasn't returned a call from me in over a year, or sent me an email, or messaged me on facebook or myspace (well she still hasn't accepted me as a friend on facebook). I guess we are broken up. I mean. . . yeah, I guess we are broken up. What else would it be? The people who I call my friends at least try to keep up with me, they inquire as to what I am doing, they come see me, they speak to me. Hell I have enemies that are currently better friends to me than she is. I mean at least they are interested in what I am doing.
For a long time I tortured myself about this. I beat myself up for missing her wedding. I tried to figure out what I could have done to offend her. I tried to think of ways that I could make it back up to her, but none of my overtures were accepted. It made me really sad. It hurt. I blamed myself.
I do not anymore. At this point, I have to accept that it takes two people to hold up a friendship and she has not held up her end in a long time. I am letting this go. We had a great friendship even if it seems it was never meant to be a lasting one. And I have come to a point where I need to stop kicking myself for this because at this point the end of our friendship is on her and not me because she is the one who stopped trying and stopped participating. So that is what this blog post is, closure. Closure on this part of my life.
Or maybe her coworker somehow won her in the break-up?
WARNING: If you do not like gore or blood do NOT read on.
I totally slice myself open with a brand new razor while shaving in the shower, and this morning I did it the worst I have done it in six or seven years. This meant the shower looked like we had been filming psycho in it. Seriously about a one inch gash in my thigh that would not stop bleeding. Pile of blood stained tissue in the trash. It looks like I was performing bad battlefield surgery on the toilet seat. And the worst part is, it wasn't from a particularly bad shave. It was from when I went to rinse the blade in the stream of water from the shower and just drug it across my thigh. OUCH! I would advise against that.
Seriously I had to use band-aids (two of them) to cover it to go to work because the boo boo brushing up against my skirt was killing me!!!
On the fashion front I would like to add these little summer short/jumper combo things to stuff I really hate. If you are older than 6, you should not wear them because they do not look as cute as you think.
I am obsessed by this song called "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked" by Ida Maria (who is norwegian or something). Go here to hear it.
I want to write a big long thing in the next few days but who knows if I will get to it. A post about the end (I guess) of a friendship that I thought would always last (if you are reading this, it ain't about you).
I need a haircut REAL bad! Hopefully I will get in to get one today or Thursday.
I have decided that the lotion that gradually gives you color is my solution to looking pasty at the wedding.
Things I need for the wedding trip: some cute long slim shorts for the rehearsal dinner (so I don't have to wear a skirt and can play volleyball which will happen because it is a family outing, I can wear a skirt to the rehearsal if I have to) and what I term a "full torso sucker-inner" by which I mean something made of a lot of lycra and spandex that smashes all my jiggly bits in and smoothes me out, so it looks like I have lost a few pounds, but I sincerely doubt it will make me look like I have lost 30 pounds, so it isn't going to work as well as I want.
This whole staying at my house instead of Sam's thing got really lonely when my roommate left for the West coast on Saturday.
Also, I sent out my birthday party invites. I didn't invite people I didn't expect to make it to Chicago on a Tuesday night, but if anyone here wants the evite, I will send it to them. My 30th will be celebrated with a free BareNaked Ladies concert during Taste of Chicago but they won't know it is my birthday.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I never got a new Chase debit/check card when all the correspondance from the WaMu becoming Chase told me I would, and I was worried that all of suddden my debit card would stop working. So I go into a WaMu branch to ask them to order me one (that seemed correct as I was a WaMu customer originally), but they can't do that, they in fact can barely find my account. They then tell me that because my account was opened in Washington and is still routed to Washington state WaMu which has now fully transitioned to Chase (they are doing state by state transitioning), they cannot request that for me. In fact about all they can do for me is what an ATM can do for me. Which is fine 90% of the time but not fine when any minute now (you don't know when) your ATM card could get shut off. Oh yes, your ATM/Checking card that you use for practically everything!!!! But apparently I can "try" online or certainly go into a Chase bank and get things situated.
Alright fine. At this point I am not too miffed, I though that might be the case. So I go to a Chase bank (actually I go twice because the first time I had forgotten to put my ID back in my wallet, totally my fault not theirs no biggy whatever). When I go into a Chase here in IL, they conceded that my acocunt has basically become Chase, but not really, and they cannot see it in their computer systems, so basically here in Illinois they can't help me--although guy who was there when I didn't have my ID was totally willing to try to help me. So thanks for that Chase branch on the corner of Adams and Wabash.
So, I go down to Washington Mutual down the street where they can at least process my deposit but can only kind of give me the cash back I want. Ok, it was a lot of cash back as I was restocking petty cash for work, but I have plenty to cover that in my account already AND I was putting even more money in (which will all have extra holds because they don't recognize me totally as a WaMu/Chase customer but as some fake not quite Chase customer). Which I think is a totally crappy way for these banks to treat me for something that is their FAULT anyway. I didn't fail, WaMu did, and I have been a prefectly decent customer over the years. Not exemplary but perfectly fine.
Anyway, I got what I needed for today, but at this point it seems unlikely that anyplace here in Illinois will be able to get me a new debit card before my debit card gets shut off, thanks for that! However, if I go to the bank while I am back in Washington, they should be able to help me get a new check/debit/bank card, but lord knows if they will be able to mail it to me. Woo hoo! This has been so fun. But I tweeted @chasebank about it, and hopefully they will try to help me. Dbags!
Sally of Sallyacious.com is in town getting an apartment in preparation to move, and she brought me my birthday present early (AND SHE MADE IT) and it is AMAZING!!!! It is so lovely. As soon as I find my camera I will post shots of it here. But it is awesome, and I am so happy.
He wants to get an MS in product development which sounds very engineer-y mostly I guess because it is. I think this will be good for him. I think that it will open up a new world for him in his job, which will I hope keep him happy for a very long time. It will also open up opportunities that would lead to other jobs if he wanted them in the future. He also would be able to get this degree while working full time. So, we will have a lonely kitty in the months when I am in rehearsals.
I think this is very good for him, and I like that it will give him a focus. In other news the restaurant/bar where he played piano on Sundays and found many of his drinking buddies has closed. So no more piano for him although he is looking to see if this active seniors retirement community in the neighborhood would be interested in having him play and he might do mornings there bright and early. He played at this place on Mother's Day and they loved him. We used to know the director of dining services, but our friend moved on to another job in Phoenix. I am sad for the people we know who worked at that restaurant, but I am not sad that Sam's main drinking haunt has been shuttered.
Yesterday I realized that I am (technically) "gay for pay." Yes I am, thank you the Ville. I mean I put technically there because I am not in porn. I am just in a play where I pretend to be gay although I have pretended to do the business with a girl on stage, so there you go. This post just got awkward and uncomfortable and all I meant was for it to be funny. I am sorry.
I have welts. Some of them look awful but only hurt moderately, others look barely existant but hurt like f ing hell! But paintball was way fun! Lots of running around and I don't really shoot that many of my bullets. I conserve and shoot when I think I have a good clear shot. Plus I tend to let others do the military like stategizing and I follow their instructions because I don't really know what I am doing. But I will definitely go again in the fall when we set it back up.
Is Henry Rollins the solution? He might be. Listening to some spoken word by him. Sigh. Also I just discovered that my roommate met him. She saw him in NYC with Jeanane Garofalo and Mark Maron, and he spoke about his visit to Iran and how nice and smart and not at all like he was led to expect the people were there. This made her sob like a baby (her parents are Iranian who left around the time the Ayatollahs happened--I could be mistaken on some of that) because so few Americans realize that. So she talked to Mark Maron after the show and asked him to relay her thanks to Henry, and instead he went and got him and Henry talked to her for about 20 minutes. I am so jealous. She confirms he is super hot in person too. (Insert Sally shaking her head and disagreeing here--she doesn't get what I see in him.)
I feel like I am punishing myself. But that is not how I feel. My thoughts on what I have done to my own relationship which I know was vitally necessary, vitally, vitally necessary like it was on a path to totally wither and die in a horrendous horrendous way a year or two down the line and this sort of upturning was what it needed IF it was going to survive (which at this point I am pretty confident it is). I mean I get that. I also get that it was less than two weeks ago, so nothing is really changed now, but I keep having to remind myself of that.
This is so jumbled. And I don't know how to untangle my thoughts and my emotions here, and I think that writing them here is better than vomiting them all on Sam because he feels like he ought to have a cure or a fix for them and then he feels like he caused them and not drinking is really a hard enough big deal for him to focus on. So I am going to ramble here instead.
The great news is that he isn't drinking and has been filling his life with projects that have languished around his apartment like pictures that need hung and learning new songs on the piano. He also bought a printer/scanner/copier that he used to make his own personal fake book with the best sheets for every song that he knows from his many fake books, so he just brings a binder instead of a bag full of music. He looks better, he seems to be feeling better, and I think he is on the right track. I worry that he hasn't yet reached out to get a support net outside of himself, but it is still early on and he takes some time to psych himself into taking big scary steps. I am so glad that he is getting better.
I hate that I can't be with him while he does this, even though I think that the space he is getting is important to him getting better, but it is just a total bummer. Like tonight, I am wiped and just want to go home and chill and cuddle. But since plan is in effect, I am going home to my house. Sam has to stay late at work and will not be coming over. So I can go home and I can chill, but as for cuddling there is no cat no boyfriend. I get what a pillow? A cell phone? Not the same dudes. Not the same. And I have my stuff (my good stuff) all split in two places. Which is a weird way to live. It is kind of living out of a hotel room that you are in long enough to put stuff in the drawers but not long enough that you have all your stuff. And I am kind of an asshole, so I resent that he still gets to be with all his stuff. He gets to cuddle with the cat. He didn't have to be uprooted. He still gets cable and tivo. And these are totally stupid things to resent.
In fact I think that I just resent this situation. I resent that this had to happen. Really it isn't even resentment, it is just the way I funnel how upset I am about this. I don't know. It is a big pain, and I don't like it, and I would just freaking move back in if I didn't still think this is an important thing for him to have right now until he really has a good track record of being healthy and having his stuff in order. I just don't like it. I don't like it and it makes me unhappy. And I feel like a toddler. Because I want to just sit down and cross my arms and pout. Big pouty pouty face.
I have a coworker who is a bit of an exacting asshole who loves to jump on other mistakes and fly them like flags. I am also in a position to support him with administrative assistance, so often I am in a position to do things for him. But he is very exacting while still being resistant to offering help in any way like not even feeling obligated to give me the full and correct information on something. I feel it is not shocking that this leads to me screwing up. I screwed up a few weeks ago when I ordered letterhead.
I mean, I thought it was ok from the PDF proof and the communication to help me read it and approve it. I thought it was ok. I could've gotten a paper proof, but it would've added another week onto the production time, and this coworker was already breathing fire that this letterhead was a month too late. So I thought it was ok, as best as I could tell, and I opted for speed instead of total surety. And that seems to have been the wrong choice. The letterhead is wrong. It is too small and printed in not exactly the right place and looks overall kinda weird.
This is the second time I have made a major purchase for his division and something went majorly wrong. This is the second time the catalyst has been the pressure and even the voice raising (not quite to yelling) that he has done to me about what I am ordering.
When I have done orders like this for other divisions, there have been no mistakes in the year I have been there. I have taken a lot longer time (well, just the time needed to insure it is done right), and no one has yelled at me or put crazy undue pressure. Well not entirely true. My boss yells but only because he doesn't realize how loud his voice is, and I will yell right back and then he quiets down, apologizes, and shapes up. But shocking, letting me do my job allows me to do my job, who knew?!
Anyway, the discovery of said fail just ruined what had been a good morning. Awesome! Thanks Douchey McDoucheface.