Great Friends

I love my Chicago girlfriends!!! They are awesome, and I should spend more time with them because my life is better when we are together. We went out to our favorite punk bar tonight and had a few beers and a ton of laughs. It ruled (even if my throat is now sore from the yelling you do in bars and smokiness).

Also, I am kind of amazed that they all read my blog. I guess a lot of people read this on a regular basis. The three of them, and then Robyn and Jim and Margaret all regularly comment, and Holly and Jenny read this too. Patrick used to read it and still might for all I know. I write in it with basically the assumption that no one really reads it, so it gets kind of confessional. Lots of the things I put in it used to go in my journal which now only really gets the stuff that I want to keep absolutely private. Blogging is weird. I just never dreamed that people find what I have to say interesting enough to read it on a regular basis. Plus, when I go for days without a comment I guess I jut assume no one is paying attention (although I read Jim and Margaret and Robyn and everyone else I know who has a blogs' blogs everyday--or chck them anyway--and I only rarely comment, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they/you don't comment all the time either). That's cool. I am flattered by that. Thanks guys.

I got a new gig

I guess it is another gig. I will still be Pier One-ing it, but now I will baby sit a 27 month old and a 7 month old. I think it will be cool. The kids seem wonderful. The parents seem very nice, earnest types--a little high strung, but they are trusting me with their kids for like whole days at a time, so what do I really expect? Anyway, I hope this works out.

Ummm, so I have been thinking of turning some of my more rageful and or pathetic inner monologues (the ones that have been plaguing me lately since the boy left) into actual monologues of the outer variety that potentially could be a play or an audition piece or something (or just more healing then keeping them in). Anyway, I thought about posting them here for people to read, but that seemed too much, but I am interested in sharing them, so if you are interested in reading them either email me or friendster or my space message me and I will send them out as I get them done. Jimmers, you already expressed interest in my memoiry stuff, so I will for sure shoot them at you. Please feel free to comment on them, even if they are sort of raw experiences for me--just know I may not read the criticism right away, but I will want it for the future if I ever put these things to use.

That's all I got today. I talked to my mom last night, but only briefly because they had some sort of garage door opener emergency like it turned into a monster and was attacking the car or falling off the ceiling or something. Anyway, she had to get off the phone and help my dad. She might call me later tonight.

Was going to be an interesting post

It was going to be one about how I met a potential employer (babysitting a couple of days a week) and what we talked about and whatever, only she flaked and forgot the meeting. Kind of crappy since Bucktown is sort of a long bus ride away from my house, but whatever. This seems like just the sort of second job I need right now (since the lotto isn't panning out for me, haha), but of course it can't happen easily. Not in my life right now.

Anyway tomorrow I meet her, the kids, and the husband, and we shall see how it all goes. Hopefully the two little ones are nice, and she sounds great. Plus this is the kind of side job that doesn't involve contracts or paperwork which is extra great, if I get it that is.

Still haven't talked to my mom. Hopefully we will catch up tonight before I get to bed. We shall see. I am far more rational today then I have been recently.

I lost my lotto ticket

I bought one thinking that if nothing is going well in my life something ought to, and the lottery would be a nice thing to go right. $20 million dollars would rule, but so would enough to eliminate my credit card debt or my student loans or both, and now I can't find the ticket which of course means it will win. Hopefully I will find it whether I win or not (my avid fantasy day-dream life doesn't need any more fodder).

I am going to buy one again for Friday too I think. Why not? It is a buck, and I would be psyched to win just twenty dollars right now, I am that kind of poor.

Being Nice to my mom

That is my plan for talking to her on the phone. She called me today while I was at work and left a message, and she had totally talked to my sister before she did. Many, many times she told me she had been thinking about me and praying about me.

Sidebar, it weirds me out when my mom talks about praying for me because I feel like she rarely seems like a religious or spiritual person (there is no vibe like that off of her in everyday life), and then she tells you that she is praing for you, and that is hard to believe because it just comes out of nowhere.

Anyway, I want to not get hysterical or defensive on her from the start. If she is going to show up and be there for me, I want to be gracious in accepting that support as it is and not hold anything against her because I feel it showed up to late.

On a different note, today started as a really wonderful day. Last night I did some NIA with the focus of healing, and it really brought me to a nice place of calm and peace, and for the first time since Patrick I felt like I had worth and fullness where there had been gaping emptiness. That fullness was me. But tonight is a diferent story, I am crying again. I wish that I wasn't.

Pissed

That's me right now pissed! In descending order I am pissed with my mom, Patrick, and my sister, and all of it really is Patrick's fault. He broke up with, so I had to tell my family--I kind of put my sister to do it since she lives with my parents and she was the only one answering the phone on Easter. However, last Monday I called my mom to tell her since she had left me an irrepressibly perky message on my answering machine (just what I had wanted).

Anyway, I ended up leaving a message on her machine saying that Patrick and I broke up, and that she should call me soon. That was Monday. It is now Sunday. Have I heard from my mother? Ahhhh, no. No I have not. WTF?!! She is my mom, and now that I am 26 there isn't a whole lot left for her to do in that capacity, however the main job left is to be a shoulder to cry on when my life is sucky. That would be now. My life is sucky now. The man that I love broke up with me, and it hurt a lot, and she is supposed to be there for me, and she didn't fucking call me back.

Admittedly, I might be more pissed at her then I ought to be as a nice change at being pissed at Patrick and/or being a terrible puddle of tears because I miss him so much. I realize my mother may be catching some misdirected feelings, but at the same time I think I am legitimately pissed at my mother.

Then enters my sister into the predicament. I called her the other night to bitch about my mother, but she only called me back this morning. Guess what she did? That's right she fucking defended my mother!!!! She had some valid points. Point A is maybe my mom hasn't checked her messages for a week, but that just makes her careless, and you shouldn't get a free pass for that one. Point B is maybe she thinks I am overreacting since I tend to be 'melodramatic' or 'overdramatic' over little things. However, I feel being dumped by the man you love would quite obviously fit into the actual serious event category and not the hysterical for no good reason category, and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see the distinction there. Sucking at being my mother is again something that shouldn't let you off the hook. Point C (my favorite) is that maybe she was distracted when she listened to her messages and didn't hear the part about me being broken hearted. Here is the killer, fucking ignoring me or really not listening to me; not a good way to be there for me. Not a good way for my sister to convince me that maybe mom isn't doing this maliciously to me. I didn't think she was, but I do think she is falling down on the job of being my mother.

That's why I am pissed at her and my sister. All I need is a mom who will tell me (even if I think it is a lie or empty fucking words) that everything will be okay. A mom who will offer to send me cookies in the mail or something else simple yet significant in their meaning, their attempt at consolation. All I need is a sister who will be on my side. I am not saying I am not irrational at this moment or even overdramatic, but I got a dumped 9 days ago. I have had 9 days of being heartbroken, and I think that means I still get to be pissed and hurt without yet being pathetic especially to my family. I don't think that is too much to ask.

God dammnit! I hate this. I want things to start getting better, something, anything. Please? I just want it to be better or at least improving. I just want some improvement. That's all I want.

Doubt

I am at that point in post-break up fallout where I am questioning everything I know to be true. Since the relationship I was so sure of wasn't sure at all, maybe other things I am sure of are faulty as well. I am not really in any kind of position to talk myself out of this. I am confused, and I am flummoxed by love, by jobs, by practically everything, so it is easy to think that I am wrong and have always been so and have just been convincing myself otherwise with no substance behind it.

I guess I just really need something to go right. I need a little hope or a little magic or something. I need some faith, either of my own or of people in me. Actually, in order for me to believe it, I probably need a whole lot of faith in me from others--to counteract the nauseating doubt.

This is such a very depressing entry, and I don't feel like I am quite this depressed (or depressing) to the people I am around a lot. At least, I hope I am not, but when I am alone that is when my thoughts are left to their own devices and their devices haven't been very much fun for me since Patrick left.

Just FYI

Hey, those of you who read this but aren't blogspot blogger types, I have recently changed the comment section so that anonymous comments will be accepted. Anyway, so feel free to comment, but please leave me like your name or initials so I know who it is.

Head under the covers

I just want to spend the rest of my week in my bed with my head under the covers. I can pull my laptop in there and watch long sad movies or just sappy ones (Gone With the Wind, The Titanic, Pearl Harbor, Pride and Pejudice--yeah the two middle ones suck hard but who cares, they invite crying jags). I could play some roller coaster tycoon or the sims and forget about the world. In the Sims I could actually create a better world where my house rules, my life rules, my job rules (or I am independently wealthy), and I have a fabulous boyfriend or husband--all I need is a couple of hours and a cheat code, and I don't even have to leave my bed! If only my life could be so easily fixed.

Monday the Fire Department, today the police

Ok, so we didn't call the police today; we just talked to one when she came into the store to shop as we were trying to solve the problem. What problem?

A man brought to our attention that on the street side of our store here was a dog locked in a pick-up truck without the windows cracked. It wasn't a super hot day, but it was warm enough to worry about it. However, the man himself could do nothing but bring it to our attention since he was deaf and unable to speak. He wrote this down. My manager Liz and I had no idea what to do. I thought about calling animal control or an animal center, but I didn't think this was the job for the same people who kill rats and pick up stray dogs. Just then the policewoman came in, and she called animal control. However, all they could do was come by and put a notice on the car window. They couldn't break in. Good news, the dog was alive and moving the last time we checked on him out our window, and then the truck was gone.

Seriously, what next? Is a circus going to come into our store?

First things first

Yesterday at work we called 911, but it wasn't exciting. A mentally challenged adult collapsed outside the store for a moment, and then came inside and had some water and sat down until the EMT's came for him. I forgot to tell that story yesterday.

Today (this is angry ranting) I was told to not sit on the floor while I put together a stool. This stool does not even come to my knee in heighth which means while screwing the screws in I had to lean over that much. This was bullshit! I sit on the floor at work frequently but not inappropriately. Sometimes that is the only way you can put glasses away or get them out (we have shelves that low), and it is often the best (or at least the most comfortable by a significant margain) way to put things together. When I am doing those things, that is what I do. I can't kneel very long with my but on my heels because I have flat feet and they cramp really badly when bent that way. Sitting crosslegged is the only way I can do it. Also, for real what the FUCK is wrong with sitting?!!! Only for a few minutes and while not neglecting my work, I ask you? Uhh!

I feel rather befuddled with life lately. I generally feel like I am a fairly intelligent person, but life seems to just get me. Why can't I seem to figure out the regular things in life, like finding a decent job? Finding a career at 26 with a Master's degree shouldn't be this hard, should it? I was going to include relationships in there with regular things, but very few people I know are actually any good at figuring that one out, so that one isn't just me I don't think.

Another Day

I feel like I had been doing so good this weekend. I was strong, and I was coping, and then. . .

I kind of went back into mourning last night, and I have to say that this is hard. It is hard feeling like this and knowing that there is nothing you can do to make yourself feel better or make the situation better or fix anything or really do anything at all. It sucks.

Not that I want to give anyone the impression that I am some ball of mush on the couch or anything. I am going out with friends tonight and trying to keep busy and give my life some sort of structure and focus (to keep my mind occupied). Anyway, I will get through it. I will get by. I just miss Patrick. I really do.

So, it's official

Patrick and I are through. We broke up on the holiday I will now refer to as "Not-so-Good Friday." I am doing much better this time around because I feel like I know what happened, why it happened, and that I had a say in the matter. I wish that it could have worked out, but it can't, so I will just get on with life.

I am still going to be his friend, at least I would like to be, but I don't know how well I will be able to do that. I will try because I still would like to have him in my life.

I don't really feel like airing it all out on the internet right now, so that is all for today.

Procrastination

I am doing my taxes right now. Yes, I know. I know. BTW, taxes are not fun--although I am poor enough to get online help for free.

Blech!!!

I hate doing dishes--hate, hate, hate it!!!! Next year I will live in a place with a dishawasher, and that will be better.

Which, btw, means that my friends and I found an apartment for three that is in a cooler and closer to the loop neighborhood then I live at right now. It is even fairly close to Patrick--although by the time I live there he will live somewhere else, so I just hope that wherever he moves it is easy to get to from my new apartment. That was convoluted, but what do you expect? Seriously, guys.

Also, sort of invited myself to a Patrick family affair (I know Margaret I seem to be good at that a lot lately). It seemed like we were working toward that part of the conversation where he was going to ask me home to meet his family and me being the bull in the china shop I am just crashed right on past without being invited. Whoops. I don't think he minded though.

Everyone should go see the movie "Thank You for Smoking" because it is hilarious.

Nice day, nice wekend, nice sister

So this weekend I met Patrick's sister, and she was awesome!! She was really fun and funny and smart and likes some of the same things I do--definitely felt like I would like her even if she wasn't related to someone I loved. She seemed to like me as well--she said I was 'adorable' so it looks like I passed that test.

We also went to the zoo which was tons of fun for me. We got up close and personal with a bear (who was lying on the other side of the glass cage wall), and saw all manner of animals (and a one legged bird). It was cool.

Then today we went to the Museum of Contemporary Art and saw some Andy Warhols (which are way powerful in person, expecially considering they are relatively simple in composition) and some Calder mobiles (which Emily Gann-Korff made move by blowing air onto them using magazines) which were really cool being as elaborate and stark as they are. We also saw this Jeff Koons piece which was a little one person inflatable row boat cast in bronze. Get it, a boat cast in bronze! I thought that was hysterical. We aslo just hung out and had a great day. I really love that the man I love and my best friend are friends in their own right. It makes me very happy.

Other then that not too much to say. I watched some American Idol, and mostly enjoyed some people on it. I kind of hate Ace and Kelly Pickler. I harassed Patrick for having a crush on Katherine MacPhee, but I was just kidding.

OH! I almost forgot, on our way downtown Patrick and I walked toward a bus stop and all of a sudden he freaked out a little bit and turned me down a street the complete wrong direction. He did this because the ex-girlfriend was waiting at that bus stop, and he did not think it would be very fun for all of us to wait for the bus there together. Although, he is pretty sure she saw us turn and walk up the street the other way. I mostly thought it was funny. It was funny, and not awful since we didn't have to wait for the bus with her--or even worse, we could've gotten on at a stop before that bus stop (beacause Patrick lives about half way in between the two of them) and then rode the same bus with her downtown. Ick! Anyway, I am mostly bugged that I didn't get a good look at her because I have no idea what she looks like and the sick part of my brain wants me to empirically know if I am prettier then her or skinnier then her and all that sort of thing. I am strangely a little jealous of her, and I am not sure why because Patrick is with me, and he loves me, and I know that I have nothing to worry about from her. Whatever, that just provs I am still a girl.

More 5-year-old

We went to a big 'Rock and Roll' McDonald's today. Quite frankly it is amazing how happy a happy meal can actually make a kid, often much happier then real food. Then we went down to Millenium Park and saw the Bean and had Jamba Juice and ran around crown fountain which was minus the fountain part since it is turned off for the winter.

Jamba sidebar--my favorite kind is the one that tastes like orange julius more then regular smoothie, is that a copout or does it make me a wuss or neither? Does it just mean I don't really like fruit?

Then we went back to Patrick's and eventually the little one wanted to play an xbox game called "Lego Star Wars the Video Game" which was actually what he wanted to do all day (he even picked playing this game over going to a movie). Weird. Also kind of way boring.

Tomorrow I meet Patrick's older sister, hopefully. My work called me and left a message today about how they were going to change my work hours in a way that would eliminate my large break in the middle of the day (although would give me a whole extra hour of work for the week). However, this would mean I would miss the whole meeting of the sister. I was kind of pissed, but then I talked to a manager who seemed sympathetic to my plight and I heard nothing more, so I should be fine.

Also (and this is getting to be a way long post), the 5-year-old told me I could sleepover at Patrick's today. . .on the floor. Cameron (Mr. 5) would be sleeping in the full sized bed, Patrick would be sleeping on the couch, and I would get the floor (where as he--Cameron--said, I "would have way more room to roll around"). Anyway, I thought that was pretty funny, but somehow managed to resist that temptation and am spending tonight alone but in my own queen-sized, pillow-topped mattress/bed. Yeah, can you believe I chose that?

I am still tired

However, chilling in the papasan is making me feel better. Tomorrow I am going to hang out with the boy and the nephew. I sliced my knuckle open today at work, and it bled through a band-aid, but it feels better now.

That is all that I really know for today.

Wow, I am whupped.

A five year old kicked my ass and my boyfriends too, and all he had to do was go to a museum with us and then to The Rainforest Cafe.

Seriously, the Museum of Science and Industry is way fun, and I would love to go back sometime when I could actually read some of the exhibits and pay attention to something other then a five year old who likes to push buttons. He was exhausting. Then he fell asleep on me on the bus to the restaurant. The resaurant which has a full bar mostly to make it bearable for the adults who take children there. It wa pretty cool theme-wise (probably the coolest with an indoor waterfall and animatronic animals and whatnot) but the food was mediocre, and it was humid (I know from the rainforest part) and loud and full of crazy children. The five year old, however, LOVED it.

Patrick's nephew is adorable, and seeing Patrick with him is amazing. He is so good with him--even when the kid is making it way harder for adults to be good with him. It was really sweet actually. Makes me love Patrick even more--although I am not going to lie, I cannot wait to see him after the kid leaves and it is just us. Other people's children can sure put a barrier between me and the good lovin'.

Did anyone watch the Simpsons?

I heard something about a mushroom cloud logo for a football team. That is awesome because a high school near me (the Richland Bombers) has a mushroom cloud logo. See www.richlandbombers.org for yourself. Richland always claimed a Matt G tie, and maybe they are right.

Drunk, just a little bit

I like the way things seem when you are just a little bit drunk (like I am right now). Everything seems just a little more elemental, sharper and yet not so sharp. The night air is crisper, and walking is a serious process clearly defined into each individual piece of the flow that it normally is. Things you see, seem different then the 800 other times you have seen them, also it is way fucking harder to type on a computer.

Ick, I don't want to go to work

I don't. I want to spend the whole day in bed. I did wake up to a phone with a lovely text message from Patrick waiting on it. That was very nice, and accentuated the wanting to stay in bed.

Beautiful Day, Sleepless Night

It was gorgeous out today! Lovely, wonderful, perfect! Also I have West Wing to look forward too--even if Leo dies--and some Donna and Josh hanky-panky. Maybe even some Extreme Makeover Home Crying Edition while the taping is happening. Maybe.

Last night I stayed up all night. I got off work late and then went to Patrick's for his last night in town before a little spring break trip home to Michigan. He needed to clean up the apartment for his return home with his nephew (who is 5) later in the week. I thought he would be mostly done cleaning and packing before I got there, but he hadn't started, so I ended up helping him a bit and just spending time with him. It was nice, but the next thing we knew it was 5something in the A.M.--no thanks to daylight savings time--and there would be no sleeping. I was going to see him off at the train station, but he ended up taking a taxi, and I just saw him off as I left to catch a bus home. I get to meet his nephew next time I see him.

Also, I am trying to write some of my stories down in a David Sedaris inspired style memoir collection thing, so if any of you out there have any particular memories of one story or more that particularly tickle you, remind me, so I know which ones are the really good ones.