Dear Taylor Swift

Just say no to John Mayer!

I recently heard via totally obviously true internet gossip that you are 'more than just friends' with said crooner, and although I get the appeal, I am older and wiser than you, and I warn you to walk the eff away.

I get that he probably told you that your body is a wonderland, and I get that it probably felt awesome to hear that (and sure I bet your body is but still there are way way way way better and less skeezy men who think the same thing and plus dude that was a song about a whole nother girl with way bigger boobs, is that really ok with you?).

I mean, I of all people get that for little bit country white girls John Mayer is somehow our Barry White (and I get way more than you do just how totally humiliating and just plain lame that is).

I too would love for him to croon some tune about how wonderful my body/person/love is in my ear, and write a song about he can't be around me because it destroys him because I put myself in for those girls in his songs BUT it is reasonably ok for me to do this because John Mayer and I will never date, and if I met him in real life I would run screaming into the night (or day) if he started to hit on me. Because the man is a sleeze ball. I bet Jen Anniston would take your call and explain, and you should trust her because that girl knows about being fucked over by a dude.

Taylor honey, I am not meaning to be judgy, if you want to get secretly get down with John Mayer no strings attached. If you can do that, you go girl! But your songs suggest you come with strings, and I don't think I can like songs about John Mayer breaking your young girl heart that you will inevitably write when this inevitably goes south. Please don't date him so you don't have to write them.

Also, as a sidebar, when are your songwriting themes going to mature? I keep selling people on the fact that in five years when you grow up you will be not just super fun but totally awesome, and I am willing to give teenage you a pass on writing teenagey songs, but since you have turned twenty, you have a very short lease on that pass. Please think about writing songs that aren't about teenage boys doing you wrong, for me, as a trade for this awesome advice on not getting entangled with that charming fuck up John Mayer.

Thank you Tay, and good luck. If you want to date someone in their 30s and frat boy boyish, go for Seth Meyers. He is the same kind of type, but I think he would treat you right.

Love,

Heather