For a variety of reasons. I am kind of on the verge of a nervous breakdown/collapse something. I suspect it may have to do with being over tired and exhausted since sometime last September and it turns out the adrenaline of the initial euphoria of meeting Sam may be wearing off and forcing me to deal with the realities of how hard I have made my life for myself. Not that that should indicate I am anything other than totally happy with Sam. He is wonderful and calm and a calming presence in my life and I adore him. Everything else may actually be trying to kill me.
I was a total ass all during the process for the last episode of the Ville and I couldn't stop myself from being one. Well at first I didn't really notice, and then I noticed but could not seem to correct what I was doing. I apparently caused Chris and Anna to worry for my sanity and health mentally since being crazy. There was yelling at Sam a few weeks ago, and some crying at rehearsal this weekend. All of this was pretty awful. Good news is that there is actual sustained light at the end of this tunnel for the first time in so long I don't even know. The bad news is, I really hope I can hold the tenuous grip on my shit for long enough to make it to a nice long weekend of almost nothing. In July I will have a 3-day weekend. Like really. I mean I have a bit of rehearsal, but mostly nothing.
Today, the almost last straw happened to me at work. I kind of thought I was going to lose it because I made a toner cartridge full of cyan toner explode ALL over me. I mean all over me. I had to wipe it off my legs, it probably ruined clothes, it is embedded in my necklace and on my sandals (although those two things were mostly salvaged), but it most severly damaged my dignity. God bless our lawyer for being so nice to me when he discovered me flecked with toner. Instead of joshing me (and he seems like the kind of guy who would), he said all the right oh no, oh poor you, oh that's awful, can I help you things that people should say. I cleaned up the mess. I still felt like maybe just leaving to go home and cry would be the best choice for the day, but instead I went to Filene's Basement (a discount store a la TJ Maxx and Marshall's) and bought a $20 dress to change into--I actually wore it out of the store, after chatting with the sales girl about why I needed to wear it out of the store. I got some ice cream at Baskin Robins, and I came back for the rest of the day. However, I would prefer that this day had just not existed.
Later tonight I want to snuggle up against Sam and just sleep this whole day off into oblivion, like it never happened. Sam is very good at snuggling.
4 comments:
Wow. That sounds like a horrible day. But hold on. You have, what, 3 more weeks left of two jobs? You can make it.
You know, it's perfectly okay to lose your shit when you're feeling stressed. You've been doing a lot. And sometimes these things happen.
I am sorry to hear about the toner explosion, though. That's just sucky.
Oh no! That sucks. At least you could go get new clothes and not sit in blue ink all day. Hugs.
Is it the job that's doing it? Why are you going crazy?
And: Don't go crazy. I'm guessing that if snuggling with Sam is a relief from the crazy, maybe more snuggling would prevent the crazy in the first place.
Geez, now I want to snuggle with Sam.
I really have no idea why I am going crazy. I guess the main thing is that I am overtired. But it is probably the accumulation of not getting enough sleep for like 9 months and more, being so busy that I eat irrgularly and usually terrible stuff for me, not drinking enough water and milk and juice and drinking way too much diet coke (actually started cutting back the last two weeks, which could also have added withdrawls to this whole mess), not getting hardly any excercise, and basically sort of running myself into the ground. At some point things have started to fray and break, and on some days it is very overwhelming.
Post a Comment