Monday, August 20, 2007

Patterns

I have been finding them in things that had formerly seemed not at all my fault, nothing to do with ME, I just stumbled into them. Well, turns out if I stretch the window I am looking at out just a little bit, there is more of a pattern then I thought. I seem to like brashness that is really not much more then a thin veneer over "I don't know what the heck I am doing, but grasping at any straw that comes my way might be a good way to sum this up."

Why would I seek this out, is my new question. Do I like feeling smugly superior in a, "Yes I may be a mess but not quite as big a mess as this guy I am standing next to," sort of way? Do I have a hero complex heretofore unoticed by myself? I don't necessarily think I am one to look for or latch onto the easy answers (at least not at this stage in my life), but yet I end up with (or chasing after) guys who do. In fact, in my dating history (or would-be dating history) I am a little hard pressed to find someone who doesn't fall squarely in this category (except maybe one boyfriend way back in undergrad who I dated for like 5 minutes).

Sometimes the answers they find freak me the fuck out--see all things related to the great sad heap I became after Jesus boy dumped me for aforementioned Jesus. That was all kinds of smarting from serious betrayal--or at least that is how I felt, seriously betrayed, like he was all sneaky in falling for fundamentalist Christianity.

I have been contemplating this pattern for a few days now and the possible implications it has for me, and I have come up with a whole lot (I am really good at overanalyzing things like this), but nothing I have come up with has been very illuminating or satisfying. It just leads me to more thinking and mulling.

4 comments:

Jim said...

Even if you turn a guy gay, it's still a compliment that only the Lord would do.

Heather K said...

We were actually discussing today, how I seem to bring boys to Jesus--like the girl on Saved tried to do, but I actually seem to succeed.

This made us come to the conclusion that I am in fact a prophet (obviously). Little did you all know you were friends with a prophet. Maybe I should start a cult? Get people to give me their money and take care of me, and I will just watch movies and hang out and occasionally preach. Any takers for my new cult?

Heather K said...

Oh, also, seriously, how do I compete with Jesus? I got nothing. Jesus can have them, I very calmly rescind any claims I may have had.

Anonymous said...

May I point out that it doesn't seem to be your preaching that's sending them into God's arms?